DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother taught me not to mess with a lady's purse, but when I go to socials, I often find all of the available seats occupied by purses and coats. The ladies are chatting in the kitchen while the men are standing on sore knees in the living room.

Are these chairs reserved for the ladies whose purses occupy them? Where should the ladies properly place their coats and purses? Am I allowed to remove a purse or coat and put it in its proper place?

GENTLE READER: You gentlemen would be less uncomfortable if you stopped standing on your knees, Miss Manners would imagine. And if you understood that messing with a lady's purse means opening it, sitting on it, tossing it across the room and, in extreme cases, stealing it, but not carefully placing it out of your way, but where she will be able to find it.

Gentlemen may not appreciate the fact that there has never been a satisfactory solution to the problem of where a lady should park her purse. If she puts it on the floor, you will step on it. If she puts it on a table, you will spill your drink on it. If she keeps it on her arm, it will tire her and also hit you in the wrong place if you try to hug her.

Coats are another matter. Presumably there is a closet, or you gentlemen would have strewn your own coats on chairs. So why don't you hang up the ladies' coats? For that matter, why didn't you do so when you and the ladies arrived?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be getting married in a few months' time and have been having a hard time picking out wedding favors within our budget that will make it further than the garbage can once our guests return home.

We have allotted $1 to $2 per guest. Our gift budget does not lack as a result of money being improperly allocated; we have needed to find many ways to cut corners.

My fiance and I have thought to instead donate the money to an organization which does research on a terminal illness, to which we lost his mother a couple of years ago.

Do you think that our guests would appreciate the sentiment or be miffed that they were not given individual gifts? Would we be better off giving each guest some cookies or candies?

GENTLE READER: Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention.

Donating money for medical research is a fine idea, if you can manage it, and Miss Manners commends you. But it has nothing to do with your wedding guests. It cannot be construed as any sort of favor to them.

You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion. Drawing attention to your having considered, and then decided against, giving them little presents will not strike them as charming.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in desperate need of your sage advice concerning friends/acquaintances who continually chide my husband and me because our lives do not revolve around sitting at a computer all day.

We are educated, retired and attend many social functions with retired friends, where conversation invariably leads to stories of how much time they spend on the computer at home every day. Also about blogs, iPods, cable/dish television and radio, etc. We are avid readers, enjoy nature and bird watching, walking, interacting with our grandchildren and neighbors, attending theater and philharmonic and, most importantly, we converse. We often frequent our local library, watch PBS and listen to NPR.

We do have an old computer that I occasionally use for e-mail only (but am not online), and do not subscribe to cable/dish nor own iPods.

We would never dream of telling them NOT to spend so much of their precious time in life sitting in front of a computer. Yet we are on the receiving end of their endless, and often arrogant, remarks about how we are "out of the loop."

GENTLE READER: What makes you think it an insult to be told that you are out of that particular loop?

Miss Manners advises you to stop being defensive and turn -- well, no, not offensive, as you would be if you touted your pastimes, as your friends and acquaintances tout theirs. But you enjoy conversation, so why don't you initiate some? A standard opening to do so is, "Read any good books lately?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A number of years ago, my closest friend asked me for money in the amount of $400 to make her house payment. I had the money and I gave it to her. Through the years, she brought it up once or twice and mentioned that if she ever came into money, she would take me to Italy.

She recently inherited a very great deal of money, and I am living on a pension. The $400 repayment would be an asset, but I am hesitant to bring it up. I am frustrated that she has not made any reference to this loan.

She has always known that she would one day inherit. Now that she has, I am frustrated as there has been no mention of repayment.

Is there a polite way of bringing it up, or is this a lesson in life that I must learn?

GENTLE READER: Apparently, you have learned the lesson that it is rude to discuss money with friends. What you have not learned was that once a friend enters into a financial agreement with you, this prohibition is no longer in effect. Your friend has waived it.

Miss Manners recommends that you ask for your money back in a pleasant but businesslike manner: "Some years ago, I lent you $400, and I would like it repaid now." No special pleas, such as accompany the request to borrow money, are needed. It is your money.

Should your friend attempt to barter, brining up that vague promise of a trip, you should say, "Why, that would be extremely nice of you" -- and after all, why shouldn't she do you a favor when you did one for her? -- "but first I'd like to clear that loan."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am searching for a nice reply even though I really don't feel that nice at all.

I am expecting my first baby, and it is a girl. I have many friends and acquaintances who have been very good to me and who I would not want to hurt. But they have been telling me things that I choke in anger about. Commentary like "how fun it will be to dress her; you'll have so much fun shopping; dress shopping with matching hats ... ruffly underwear..." I find really distasteful and annoying.

I hate to be no fun, but setting up my child to look like a pretty doll is not exciting to me because I feel really strongly against enforcing the gender role that it is fun to make a girl look really decorous and fun to shop with, as opposed to a boy. I want to do my best to raise my baby with other values, although I recognize when she gets older she might want to do the pretty thing herself.

So far, I have been smilingly demurring and saying things like, "I think actually jumpers and pajamas are very cute on all babies..." but I get responses like "You'll see!" making it sound like my deep parental love is going to propel me straight to the baby boutiques. Saying anything would run the risk of:

a. sounding like an old stick in the mud

b. making some of these people feel bad if they did this themselves

c. sounding unexcited about my own baby.

However, I really feel strongly about this type of thing and hate to just agree for the sake of niceties.

First of all, what do I say? Second of all, do you see where I am coming from or are these feelings wrong? I don't think it is proper to teach little girls about appearances and shopping right off the bat, or to pose while others compliment them.

Please help because this is really bothering me, and actually embarrassed me as a little girl sometimes forced into frills herself.

GENTLE READER: But you will be the mother now. You should already know that sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you.

Well, some of them might, Miss Manners admits, but not the mindless sort of blather that has you so riled up. People don't know what to say about unborn babies beyond offering their congratulations, so they often go off in unfortunate directions. At least your friends are predicting enjoyment rather than dire consequences from giving birth or having a baby who will eventually become a teenager.

And they will not be bringing up your daughter; you will. They are not even taking a political stand. They are just blathering. So there is no practical reason for taking their remarks as a challenge.

Just let them pass. However strong you want your daughter to be, you will advise her, Miss Manners hopes, not to go around picking fights with well-meaning people.

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