DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently accepted a date on Valentine's Day from a gentleman I have known and gone out with from time to time for some four years. While I didn't think it was going to be the ultimate romantic evening, I thought we would at least have fun as friends.

It went from dinner out to a partially microwaved meal. He quibbled over going out for dessert because he was "full" and didn't see the need and then asked for the check after his friend paid for everything.

He went out of his way not to mention Valentine's Day. No flowers at the table, not even a balloon. I found it strange that he would treat me in such a way after we have known each other for this amount of time.

I smiled and kept a conversation up with him and the other couple and went home right after dessert. Am I wrong to think he could have done something more to make the evening a little more festive? I asked if I could bring anything and was told no. I just felt he could have asked me out another weekend if he didn't wish to celebrate with me, and I could have made other plans. It would have been just fine with me!

GENTLE READER: What other plans? Miss Manners doesn't mean to be harsh, but surely if you had had a Valentine's Day offer from a gentleman in whom you did have a romantic interest, you would not have accepted one from whom you did not expect romance.

Perhaps if the gentleman had a calendar, he would have avoided a day so loaded with expectations. But then, you said you didn't expect a romantic evening, so perhaps he fulfilled yours. Miss Manners' advice is to choose more carefully next year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most appropriate way to tell a former boyfriend (also a friend) that I am now seriously dating someone else with whom he is acquainted?

I presume that a simple, "(New gentleman) and I are seeing each other. I thought you would appreciate hearing it from me" would suffice, but I am concerned with sounding either callous or else presumptuous.

I suspect that the first man in question will be displeased with the news, so I want to be kind, but not so much that I embarrass him by giving the impression that I think he is still "madly in love" with me. Is it better, perhaps, to just let him hear the information from mutual friends, to whom he could vent his displeasure with a clear conscience?

GENTLE READER: It is that tag line, "I thought you would appreciate hearing it from me" that could rankle. Miss Manners assures you that you were doing fine until you got to that.

If the gentleman has only the purest feelings of friendship for you now, the part about appreciation does unduly suggest that he is in a wounded state. And if he really is, that word, "appreciate," will be taken bitterly. Just tell him as if you expected him to be pleased for you, and allow him to live up to the expectation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am worried that I might have offended our window contractor beyond where a mere apology can fix things. He was replacing a broken window in the kitchen, and was there unattended for some time before presenting his bill and leaving.

Later, as my wife was leaving for a doctor's appointment, she said that she could not find her keys, which by habit she always puts in the kitchen drawer directly under the repaired window.

We could not find them in the car or her purse, so I lent her my keys. After she left, I turned the house upside down looking for her keys. No luck. Then I remembered the window repairman. After much internal debate, I called his company, explained the situation, and said roughly the following:

"This is extremely awkward, because I don't know the young man who came here and have no reason to doubt that he is trustworthy. But is there any chance that he picked up the keys in the drawer, possibly by accident?"

The receptionist replied, "Well, he is the owner of the company, and he just got back, so I'll check with him. Hold on." The owner had not seen the keys, and while neither he nor the receptionist seemed offended by the imputation that he might be a thief, I was mortified.

We later found that the keys had slipped out of my wife's coat pocket and were under the car seat. I went back to the glass company with a second broken window to be repaired; while I was there, I apologized profusely for any possible insult I might have offered. They said it was OK, that I had to ask.

Nonetheless, I worry that something more is necessary. If this were 1800, would I now be facing the contractor on the field of honor? Can I get out of this with a gift card to a nice coffee shop?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- you said they were not offended. So why are you fussing?

The reason that they were not offended is that you handled the matter politely. You excused yourself every at every step and never accused the contractor of anything more than an accident. This is not the time to send a guilt presents, which would make only too clear what you really thought. Miss Manners suggests instead a letter saying how much you admired the work and that you would be recommending the firm to your broken-windowed friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am only 21 years old, but I have been called "ma'am" for a couple years now. I always thought that "ma'am" was reserved for, quite frankly, older ladies or women like my mother and her friends, and that "miss" was for members of the same age group that still requires identification to purchase alcoholic beverages.

I understand that the people calling me "ma'am" are only trying to be polite. Has this become the accepted form of address, and am I somehow behind the times?

GENTLE READER: "Ma'am" is also the traditional form of address for female royalty of whatever age. Miss Manners would consider it a mistake to bristle at being treated like a princess.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a woman in her 50s who never married. I've begun dating again after a long hiatus, and usually a man will ask me on the first or second date, "So how come you never married?"

I understand their curiosity, and at our age there's no time to waste, so perhaps they want to get right to the point. But I'm flummoxed when this question comes up with men I hardly know.

I realize that if a relationship develops I would need to explain my past, but I'm uncomfortable doing it so soon. The answer is complicated and might not put me in a flattering light. How can I answer these men without either giving them an embarrassing emotional answer or being rude?

GENTLE READER: What makes you think you have to answer questions, especially when it is ever so much more flattering to ask them?

Miss Manners presumes that you are not dating other people's husbands. So these also-unattached gentlemen may be asked (after you demure that you don't really know in your own case), "How come you never married?" or, in the case of the divorced or widowed, "How come you never remarried?"

If there is anyone whom you happened to meet on his way back from divorce court, it could be, "Do you remember why you married?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a group of divorced or widowed women in our early 60s who belong to a number of singles clubs. We often give open potluck suppers.

There is one man, never married, in his early 70s, who always attends. The problem is he brings almost inedible food. For example, once he brought a "salad" that was cut-up iceberg lettuce with three sliced tomatoes on top.

I tried to suggest precooked, inexpensive food for him to bring, but it's hopeless. After the event is over, he takes home as much food as possible, declaring that he rarely gets homemade food. On holidays, we get, one by one, calls in which he invites himself to our family dinners.

We are running out of patience. In general, he's a nice person, but sad to say, a classic moocher. We've tried gently to make him understand, but he gets upset. What should we do?

GENTLE READER: Give up on trying to make a cook out of him. Or even a carry-out food shopper. It is not going to work.

But you find redeeming qualities in him, and you might also find that he has redeeming skills. Can he fix things? Do errands? Offer any sort of professional advice? Clean up after the suppers? Drive people to and from the meetings?

Miss Manners understands that the time in which domestic work was assigned by gender is past. But so is the time right afterward, when both genders were supposed to take turns doing all the exact same tasks.

Sensible people have, Miss Manners hopes, come around to realizing that everyone is happier if allowed to contribute what he or she does best.

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