DEAR MISS MANNERS: A novel I once read imagined a woman winning the U.S. presidency. Her husband was referred to as the first husband.

Aside from the fact that it seems that the masculine equivalent of the First Lady should be the first gentleman, would it not seem reasonable to Miss Manners that a female president could have a first lady?

In American history, the first lady has not always been the wife of the president. When the president was widowed or a bachelor, a close female relative served as the White House hostess and thus was known as the first lady.

Now that it appears that the United States may soon have a female president -- if not with this election, surely with one in the near future -- does it not seem reasonable that such a president could ask her mother, daughter, sister or other close female relative to serve as the first lady and spare her husband the need to take over the east wing of the White House?

A ruling from Miss Manners would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: She is delighted to oblige, provided we begin with the admission that "first lady" is an unoffical and rather silly title. Miss Manners agrees with Jacqueline Kennedy, who said it made her sound like a horse.

The president's spouse is a private citizen with no official rank, and thus is properly addressed, in writing and in person, as Mrs. Washington (with neither her nor her husband's given name; she would be THE Mrs. Washington, with no danger of being mistaken for Mrs. Chuck Washington).

However, courtesy accords precedence to her, or to another lady serving as the president's hostess. This was referred to, in the era of more complicated and more rigorously observed precedence systems, as her being "the first lady of the land."

Hence the title. But its history does not go back all that far. There was a lot of backsliding when egalitarianism was new around here, and Mrs. Washington was often called "Lady Washington," while Mrs. Madison relished being called "Her Majesty." Even when the title of "first lady" became popular, it never applied to the nonspouses who served as hostesses.

A female president would be the hostess at state occasions; she cannot designate another lady to preside and therefore outrank her socially. What she would need, in addition to the professionals already provided for putting on such events, is an understanding public that does not keep asking for her recipes and notions about flower-arranging.

And now to the husband. If anything is sillier than "first lady," it is "first husband" (unless this is necessary to distinguish him from a marital successor also on the scene). He would be the host, and addressed simply by his name and "Mr." or another honorific he held, such as general or governor.

Perhaps this is the place to say once again that American protocol dictates that only one person at a time can hold the title of president of the United States. Former presidents should never be so addressed, although they have even taken to calling one another that. Miss Manners would have thought that having reached that position would surely have cured anyone of status anxiety.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I were brought up learning the importance of writing thank you notes for gifts received. We have been writing thank you notes to our relatives for Christmas presents for as long as I can remember.

Now that we are both adults (25 and 22), we both give and receive gifts during the holidays.

I realized recently that the thank-you-note rule seems to only apply to the "children" and not to the adults (parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents). Is there a point where we will be "adults" too and exempt from written acknowledgement, or should we be expecting handwritten notes from our family members?

GENTLE READER: Since you cannot be asking seriously whether etiquette offers a retirement plan from the rigors of polite behavior, Miss Manners will answer the questions you meant to ask.

Yes, your older relatives are rude not to express thanks for the presents you give them. And no, that does not entitle you to retaliate by ignoring the presents they give you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I throw a yearly holiday party, and each year, I have more wine the morning after than when the party started. Each guest brings a bottle -- unprompted.

I feel honored by my guests who arrive empty-handed, who place their evening's hospitality into my (I think, capable) hands. I love a good bottle of wine, which my thoughtful guests do their best to bring; but I cannot appreciate all of them -- I do have to walk during these parties -- and am reduced to brief thanks at the door, with "you shouldn't have."

Please, could you challenge your readers to arrive at parties empty-handed, but bring a festive spirit and make the event memorable through their presence, with a well-thought-out and complementary thank you note -- the few of which I receive, I treasure -- to follow sometime after?

And I won't even mention the gifts brought which scream, "You may like us, and we're here, but we won't be inviting you to any social events next year, either; this cancels the social debt incurred by this evening."

GENTLE READER: It's funny about that correlation between bringing wine and failing to write letters of thanks or to reciprocate. Miss Manners has noticed it, too.

"I was taught never to arrive empty-handed," declare many people who were apparently not taught anything else.

Now, Miss Manners would never discourage generosity, and it is charming to bring one's dinner hosts flowers, candy or a treat to enjoy later. (Wine falls into that category, as the host will have planned the evening's wine and one bottle doesn't go far.) But it is not obligatory (and for a large party, it is likely to cause inconvenience to a busy host). Those other duties are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was just wondering: How long into the new year can you still keep wishing people a "Happy New Year!"?

Or, when does the New Year become too old to be considered new?

GENTLE READER: Right after you finish taking down the Christmas decorations, which are beginning to get on everyone's nerves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I planned a party for New Year's Eve with many close friends. I awoke on New Year's Eve day with the flu and throughout the day eventually called everyone and canceled the party. I feel guilty, as some of my guests were upset because they could not make plans at another place on such short notice. Did I do the right thing?

GENTLE READER: It does sound as if you missed an opportunity to give these people the flu. But no, we don't do that kind of thing. Miss Manners congratulates you on being a great deal kinder to them than they turned out to deserve.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long must you wait on guests to arrive before you decide to go ahead and eat?

My sister and her husband routinely run very late for dinner or lunch at my mom's house. On Christmas they were one hour and 30 minutes late! Everyone was there, including their own children, who took separate vehicles.

My mom wants to wait until everyone is present before we start. We called their house and cell phone and got no answer. My dad decided that we needed to go ahead. I was in agreement. The food was getting cold and we had to end up reheating it.

Personally, I think it is very rude to be so late. I make sure my family is there on time. But they just don't seem to get it! They are late 100 percent of the time. And it is usually at least 1 hour.

GENTLE READER: We have august precedence for the rule that absolves people from staring at rapidly chilling food. George Washington decreed that he would not delay dinner for tardy guests. And he was citing an even higher authority: his cook.

As your hostess and presumed cook dissents, you must try persuasion. It may alleviate her misgivings if you tell her that Miss Manners considers it a kindness to the tardy guests not to have to bear the responsibility for spoiling dinner for the others. She recommends bringing them to the table when they arrive by saying, "We went ahead because we knew you wouldn't have wanted us to wait."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is is possible to reciprocate too quickly? My twin brother and I hosted a New Year's Day dinner party, mixing out-of-town guests with local friends. As the party was obviously drawing to an end, a friend issued an impromptu invitation for the group to go to his house for more champagne (and a tour of his lovely home). Most, including my brother and I, accepted his kind offer for the continuing festivities.

Is this impromptu invitation considered reciprocation by our friend? We are at a loss as to who issues the next invitation. By the way, my brother and I quickly reciprocated to our New Year's Eve hosts -- on the following evening, although the invitation was issued (and accepted) several weeks earlier.

GENTLE READER: Your dinner guest was continuing your dinner party, not reciprocating, so he still owes you. But his other guests now owe him as well as you. However, you and your New Year's Eve hosts are even, which is a good thing, because Miss Manners can't figure out who reciprocated to whom. Is there any champagne left?

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