DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been invited to one of his close childhood friend's New Year's Eve wedding. When he asked the bride what I should wear, her response was that the wedding was to be "quite a formal event -- lots of tuxedos and suits" and that I should wear "a cocktail dress," although she would be wearing "a ball gown."

Now, I am not completely clear on the demarcations of black tie, white tie, etc., but I do not think her answer was entirely consistent. What on earth should I wear?

GENTLE READER: Modern weddings are uniformly inconsistent, so to speak. The idea has taken hold that the wedding party must be dressed in at least one degree of formality higher than the guests, and sometimes the bridegroom is yet another degree more formal than his groomsmen.

Traditionally, it was never like that. If a wedding was formal, everyone came equally formally dressed; if it was less formal, or informal, that style applied to everyone present.

The explanation for having different levels of dress at the same wedding has always puzzled Miss Manners. It is so people can tell who is getting married and who isn't, she has been told.

But if they don't know, what are they doing there?

In any event, you are right that this bride is even more confused than most. Her idea of "quite formal" seems to include everything except gym clothes.

The best you can do is to pick one of the styles she mentioned, so that you and your beau don't look as if you happened to run into each other while headed for different events. If he wears evening clothes, you should wear a long dress; if you wear a short but dressy dress, he should wear a dark suit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a final-year veterinary student, whenever someone asks what it is that I do, I invariably get a run-down on every pet they've ever had, their last five trips to the vet (including gripes about how expensive veterinary treatment is), and/or how they themselves were going to go to vet school once upon a time. Not to mention the inevitable hit for free veterinary advice, to which I always answer, "I think you should bring Fluffy to a vet."

The thing is, I foresee that this will only get worse once I'm actually a licensed veterinarian. Is there any way to circumvent this?

I don't fancy performing health checks for free, and while I do love animals, when I'm not at work, I do like having a break from them. Am I being terribly rude to decline checking poor Fluffy's itchy rash if I'm not there on a professional basis?

GENTLE READER: It is not only the free-advice cadging that creates this problem. That you seem to be handling well. The other standard reply, should the speaker persist in demanding your opinion, is "Make an appointment to bring Fluffy into my office, and I'll have a look."

But you still have to deal with the mistaken notion that people go to parties with the hope of being able to talk about their jobs. There may be bores who do, but the rest of us enjoy having time off and getting to know other people.

The flattering way to put this is, "Oh, I won't bore you with that -- I'm off duty and here to enjoy myself. Now tell me about yourself." This is an open-ended question that allows the other person to pick the topic. And let's hope it's not his own shop talk.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I rented a movie from a local video store while they were running a charitable promotion, which gave customers the option of adding a dollar to their purchase, which would be donated to the sponsored charity. The woman who rang up my purchase, the manager of the store, asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar.

"Not today," I replied. The woman shrugged and sighed, in the hearing of all the customers in line behind me, "Oh well, I guess some people aren't very generous."

Miss Manners, the cash I paid with was my mother's, which had been given to me for the video rental. I had no cash of my own on me to spend, and my mother was not in the store with me, so I could not have asked her permission to donate a dollar. I have given money to charity many times and would almost certainly have donated this time if I had had money of my own on hand, but I do not believe I have the right to spend another person's money without their permission, not even a dollar and not even for charity.

Furthermore, I frankly don't think it was any business of this woman's whether I chose to donate or not. When I worked in retail we ran similar charitable promotions every now and then. If a customer declined to donate, I kept my mouth shut and made no assumptions. I think it was incredibly rude of the woman at the video store to imply that I'm not generous because I didn't donate a dollar that day.

What would have been an appropriate response to her insinuation?

GENTLE READER: First, Miss Manners requires you to promise that you will say it in a quiet tone of sadness, rather than of anger. But you may interpret "quiet" as being just loud enough for the rest of the line to hear.

Then you say, "That's not a very charitable assumption, is it? After all, you don't know my circumstances, do you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine that I knew in high school recently became engaged. She is 20 years old, marrying a man in his late 20s who has a child from a previous relationship. They are planning a wedding after he gets back from military training, and she is not only planning her wedding but preparing to move 15 hours away with him and his young child.

I personally do not approve of her marrying at such a young age and am concerned for her jumping into an "instant family" so quickly, since they haven't been dating for very long. It seems like nobody else finds this early and mismatched union strange except for me!

How do I respond to her excitement when she talks about her wedding? It wouldn't sit well with me to lie and tell her that I am "so happy" for her, nor would it be appropriate to express my disapproval. Help!

GENTLE READER: Can you squeak out, "I wish you great happiness"?

Surely this is true. Please don't tell Miss Manners that your lack of enthusiasm for the bridegroom and lack of belief in the success of the marriage translates into the hope that your gloomy predictions are right.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every Christmas, my mother-in-law sends my husband and me a huge box in the mail. The gift box contains gifts of cookies and brownies that are home-baked, greasy, extremely sweet and stale (due to the long time it takes the package to arrive from my husband's hometown to our city). She also puts in generic brand deodorant, shampoos, conditioners and bodywash.

My husband and I are heath conscious and do not like the stale sweets. We also do not use the generic store-brand toiletries, as we have our preferred brands.

I wonder what would be a good way to communicate this to my mother-in-law. I know this is her way of showing love to her kids and that she put a lot of time and effort into preparing these packages. She is also an extremely sensitive person who cries frequently (at least two times a week) at the slightest stress.

GENTLE READER: So you think she would take it in stride if you told her that the treats she has been lovingly and laboriously making all these years are offensive?

The very thought of such cruelty drives Miss Manners to tears, and she is by no means fragile.

A good way to communicate to your mother-in-law would be to thank her profusely for her efforts, and not let her know that you consider them the opportunity to pass things on to those who will appreciate them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You have addressed the issue of those who prefer cash/checks as gifts instead of things they "don't want/need" or "aren't to their taste," but I have the opposite problem. My mother and father each send me checks for birthdays and holidays, saying, "We don't know your taste."

I have searched myself for evidence of ungratefulness, but I do display enthusiasm on occasions when I receive a gift, whether it matches my exact tastes or not. I have even tried telling them (nicely!) that it would mean more to me to receive something they selected with me in mind, even if it isn't exactly what I would have chosen for myself, but to no avail.

You have noted that etiquette arguments are usually about underlying emotional difficulties rather than the etiquette question itself. This definitely applies to my question today.

I wouldn't mind their when-you-come-right-down-to-it generous and, in fact, optional gifts if it didn't represent for me their detachment from me in general. Which I find very painful. And which I suspect affects my ability to form close relationships, both romantic ones and even now with friends. While this is a little out of your purview, I wonder if there is some way for me to accept the state of my relationships with each parent, to appreciate what they are able to give me, to mitigate the distress over what they are not able to give me, and to build relationships with others that have more, does it make sense to say, "spiritual etiquette"?

GENTLE READER: No doubt you expect Miss Manners, who has so consistently and thoroughly opposed the substitution of payment for presents, to support your grievance.

But as you rightly observe, this problem is not about etiquette. If it were, there would be a simple answer. This is that what your parents are doing is commonplace today, not obviously intended to hurt, and it behooves you to accept their limitations as graciously as you do their checks.

And while it is indeed out of Miss Manners' purview to deal with the psychological subtext, she would think that behaving as if you accepted their etiquette lapse would go a long way toward making you feel unhampered by them in your pursuit of other relationships.

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