DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette of giving or regifting a fruitcake for the holidays? Should I start a vicious cycle by giving someone a fruitcake? And should I get one, is it OK for me to regift it to someone else? What if I get one...what is the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Vicious cycle? And here Miss Manners thought it was a holiday tradition.

The proper response is to thank the people who gave it to you. And to remove the card before passing it on. After proper aging, it will eventually reach the two or three people in this world who love fruitcake.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would really appreciate it if you would put this up for your gentle readers to have a better understanding of those of us working retail.

We know the lines are long; please do not take out your frustration on us; we are moving as fast as we can without making mistakes.

We know we need to call for assistance if there are any unmanned registers; that is why we request it over the store's speakers.

Please pay attention to when we make the calls; demanding 10 seconds later that we call again is not going to speed things up. It may take 10 whole seconds for assistance to arrive from the other end of the store or for assistance to make itself available.

Please be patient; chances are good that the retailer you are waiting for was hired recently for holiday help and may not be proficient with the local registers/computers. We all have to start some time, and if we are unsure, it is safer to ask a manager about policy than let you have your way only to get written up for breaking it later.

We know there are many stores out there; please keep all of your receipts so that you are not left with a book from one store that you tried to return to a different bookstore. Yes, I assure you the inventories ARE different between stores, and that yes, they will refuse to honor each other's gift cards.

Please pay attention to who you call. There are many stores in the Yellow pages that are right above each other. The item you reserved may be in Peasanton or Pleasant Hill, and unless you are alert, you may end up reserving an item at the wrong store.

If what you ask is against store policy, please do not change tactics. No is no and the Corporate enforces these rules with audits. If it is not possible to acquiesce, becoming angry, defensive, insulted or louder than necessary will not get you your way. The "Customer from Heck" is a favorite gossip story among staff and you may be the day's top story over the water cooler.

GENTLE READER: Hang in there, Christmas rush will soon be over, and it will be time for -- returns! and sales!

Miss Manners is in tremendous sympathy with the drubbing people in retail get from those out to celebrate a festival of peace. She has observed the melee in the aisles.

With all her heart, she joins you in begging your customers to behave with the consideration, fairness and dignity that they expect in their working lives.

But she asks something of you which may be even harder. That is to remember that you are the grown-ups in this situation, and to remain calm and professional under trying circumstances.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the holidays, I usually receive numerous invitations to dinner from friends who know that I often elect not to travel to visit my family, all of whom live far away.

Occasionally one of my hosts comments that they invited me because they didn't want me to "be alone" over the holidays. One hostess even referred to me and several other of her guests as "orphans."

I try not to be offended by such comments, but if I had known their motivations, I would certainly have declined their invitation and accepted one of the others instead.

Am I being overly sensitive? Would it be acceptable, in response to such a comment, to hand the host my covered dish and say that, actually, I can only stay a short while as I have another gathering to attend?

GENTLE READER: No, but you can say enthusiastically, "Thank you. Christmas does give us all those warm impulses. I had the same feeling you did -- came here, as I'm sure we all did, because we didn't want you to be alone."

Then, as your hosts are spluttering for an answer, Miss Manners hopes you will add something charming about how nice it was of them to invite you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At this festive time of year, our office receives many tokens of appreciation from our vendors. I am told we do not acknowledge these gifts, as that is saying "thank you for the thank you."

I believe it is appropriate to send a brief note thanking the giver for thinking of us. Please let us know whether or not these items are to be acknowledged.

GENTLE READER: Yes. You realize what eludes many otherwise sensible people: that these are actual items, and therefore presents. Whether the motive of the sender is to thank, to advertise, to ingratiate, to court or to show off is irrelevant. And Miss Manners assures you that you needn't fear that this will go on forever. Your thanks, being a letter, will not require return thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The giving of gifts by elementary school students to their teachers at Christmastime can be embarrassing to those unable to buy gifts. At higher levels of school, gifts can influence grades, college recommendations and advanced placement to a serious, life-changing degree.

As a retired high school teacher and guidance counselor, I would prefer to see NO gifts to teachers at Christmastime, period. Gifts could be given at the end of a school year or following graduation. And I would agree that a simple handwritten "Thank you" kind of note is much more meaningful than any physical gift. I cherish the notes I have. Local PTAs should formulate suggestions for parental guidance.

GENTLE READER: Yes, they should, and Miss Manners has always insisted upon letters being better than apple-themed desk items, at any time of year. She also recommends individual, spontaneous giving into a fund for school use.

But the PTA of the school where you taught has a more urgent matter before it. If your casually mentioned but outrageously shocking charge that teachers there were being successfully bribed for academic favors is true, the PTA should be in emergency session.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like so many who work in retail, I have been spending lots of time helping people find Christmas presents. I love the challenge of finding the perfect gift, so I often enjoy my job.

The trouble is that most of the people who come in to my store these days just march in and ask me what their mother (or sister, or father, or cousin) would like for Christmas. When I ask what their mother is interested in, or what they were thinking about getting her, I get only glares or frustrated sighs.

It has become clear to me that what they want me to say is, "Your mother (whom I've never met) would love this fabulous _____." I have come to the conclusion that what most people are in need of this Christmas are people in their lives who are willing to take some time to think about them.

It is my job to sell things to customers, not to lecture them about what a wonderful process buying a gift for a loved one can be.

Should I talk them into something and send them out the door if that really seems to be what they want? Is there a polite way to get them to start thinking?

GENTLE READER - No -- then they will only ask Miss Manners what to get their unknown and unseen mothers (and sisters and fathers and cousins). Come to think of it, they already do.

This is the attitude that has made a mockery of the exchange of thoughtful presents and turned holidays into a time when friends and relatives pay one another and distribute their shopping lists. Without the symbolism that shows that the giver has paid attention to the tastes and interests of the recipient, it seems a futile exercise.

But neither you nor Miss Manners will be able to supply that. She will keep urging thoughtfulness, and you, who are being put on the spot, must resort to showing the items for sale and asking, "Would she like this?" "Do you think this would please him?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it challenging to decline bridal shower and wedding invitations.

I dislike going to these events, which can be time-consuming -- I recently received an invitation for a bridal shower that began at 10 am and had events scheduled through 2 -- and expensive -- particularly when they are out of town. Nonetheless, I find it challenging to provide explanations for declining these kind invitations when I am asked -- sometimes explicitly and sometimes implicitly. How can I best approach my disinclination to attend without offending the inviting party?

GENTLE READER: Disinclination? You can't mean that. Or at least you can't be thinking that when you decline invitations to endless, dreary events.

Oops. Now you have Miss Manners doing it.

What she meant to say was that you must put yourself into the frame of mind of someone who is cruelly forced to bypass a great treat. Then you will be able to wail, "Oh, I wish I could. It sounds wonderful. I would just love to go, and I'm devastated that I can't..."

If you keep this up long enough, perhaps your hostess will forget to make that rude inquiry about why not. If she does, the reply is, "Oh, I have a commitment I can't get out of -- nothing that would interest you. I'm just so sorry I can't be there..." and then you start up all over again.

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