DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you enlighten my husband and me on the correct way for him to help me into my coat? The nights are turning chilly now, reminding me that I will soon have to pull out my winter wear. I have this heavy tapestry coat that I love wearing for the holidays and special occasions. Invariably, however, at the end of a lovely evening, my husband will try to help me into my coat. That's when the trouble starts. I circle in vain, looking for a sleeve, while he's pumping the coat up and down saying, "Over here. Over here." I would gladly put an end to this ritual.

GENTLE READER: Please tell your husband that Miss Manners says he should stop being funny. He knows perfectly well how hard it is to hit a moving target, let alone to enter one with one's hand behind one's back. And if he doesn't, insist that he allow you to demonstrate by helping him with his coat using his method.

To perform this maneuver properly, the gentleman should hold the coat's shoulders at the height of the lady's shoulders. When she puts her hand behind her (some using the over-the-shoulder method and others the up-from-the-waist method), she should hold it still. He then moves the armhole down until he is able to slip it over her hand. When both hands have entered the sleeves, he moves the coat up and over her shoulders.

It is actually a charming ritual, provided both of you refrain from flailing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know what my options are for sending thank-yous to my daughter's friends and family who have given her birthday presents. She's 4 years old and can write her name, but not much else.

Is it appropriate for me to send a note of thanks written in her "voice"? (e.g., "Dear Grandmother, I adore the curtains you sent for my birthday. They match my bedspread so beautifully! Thank you so much for thinking of me. Love, Alice" -- written in my hand?)

Would her contribution to the note in the form of her "signature" and perhaps a drawing be good? When her friends give her gifts, is a note addressed to that friend and his or her parents together appropriate?

I am hoping that writing thank-you notes will become second nature for her, but I want the notes I'm sending on her behalf to be appropriate, too.

GENTLE READER: Her contribution should be the wording. This may take some work on your part, Miss Manners is afraid. You will have to pull it out of her. And before that, you will have to put it in.

It goes something like this:

"Alice, dear, what shall we say to Grandmother about the lovely curtains she gave you?"

"Thank you."

"Yes, very good. But we need more than that. Do you like them?"

"I guess."

"Did you notice that they have the same color that is in your bedspread?"

"They do?"

"Yes, look."

"How did she know that?"

"Remember when she came up to your room to see your dolls? She must have noticed your bedspread. Isn't that thoughtful of her?"

"I guess."

"OK. How does this sound?"

Then you read her the gracious letter that you have created by quoting your questions as if they were her answers, and you have her sign it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently went to a play with some other couples from our church. Afterwards, one couple invited everyone else over to their house for refreshments. We were served some delicious cake and iced tea, and had a nice time.

Later, someone from the church told me that this couple was vegan. I didn't know what vegan was, and she explained that they don't eat any animal products. So I guess the cake didn't have milk or eggs, but I don't care. My husband, however, says they shouldn't force their dietary preferences on other people. He says there might have been soy milk in it, and he hates soy milk.

I think he's making a big deal out of nothing. Do you think it was rude of them to serve us vegan food when they know we're probably not vegan?

GENTLE READER: These people offered you some delicious cake that may or may not have contained an ingredient to which your husband would have objected if only he had detected it at the time? The nerve!

The charge of force in connection with this gentle little visit would amuse Miss Manners if it were not so outrageous. Was your husband taken to this couple's house by force? Was he force-fed the cake? Was he even lured in by the thought of an after-theater barbeque?

Apparently, the gentleman does not understand the concept of hospitality. Miss Manners advises keeping out of social circulation until he does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a veteran and have been retired for some time. To the best of my knowledge, no one ever tried to kill me, and I never killed any one. I'm proud of having served my country. I wear service-related items from time to time, such as a ball cap or a jacket, and have service-oriented decals, including a base sticker, on my car.

In the past few years, complete strangers have come up to me and said, "Thank you for your service." I have just returned from a service unit reunion, where 150 of us gathered in a hotel for several days, exchanged sea stories, took tours around the host city, etc. Most of us wore our reunion badges, with name, rank and years of service. We were constantly approached by folks who thanked us individually, or as a group, for our services.

I don't know what to say in response to those kind words. I cannot say "It was a pleasure" or "At your pleasure" because it wasn't.

One woman approached me, thanked me, and then shared that she had three relatives presently in service in Afghanistan and Iraq.

I managed to tell her "It was an honor," which it was, and thanked her for the service of her family.

Can you suggest some better generic response, hopefully short and succinct?

GENTLE READER: You have put it beautifully, and Miss Manners knows better than to tamper with natural graciousness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents have generously offered to pay for our wedding. My mother also offered to take on the job of preparing invitations, about 200, for which I am very grateful. She selected wonderful tasteful invitations, and I was very pleased.

However, my mother-in-law saw the invitations and erupted in tears. The invitations stated: Mr and Mrs. Bride's Parents invite you to attend the wedding of daughter and fiance.

My mother-in-law has been divorced twice, and she told my fiance and his brother that she believed that my parents did not list her name on the invitation because of her divorced status.

I am furious. My parents would never do such a thing.

I am certain that my mother consulted etiquette guidelines when she selected the language and form for the invitations. Question Number One: Were the invitations properly drafted given that my parents are paying for the wedding?

Question Two: How shall I handle this personally with my future mother-in-law? Right now I feel angry and insulted that she would accuse my parents of such an action.

GENTLE READER: Your prospective mother-in-law's notion that her name was omitted because of her divorces is only pathetic. What is insulting to your mother is your own notion that she might think she has bought exclusive rights to be on the invitation by paying for the wedding.

That fact is that this is a simple misunderstanding about the traditional wording of a bridal invitation and a common, practical variation of it.

The form dates from when a single young lady was married from her parents' roof and protection -- a situation that, while rarely true nowadays, is still honored in the custom of the father's giving the bride away. So they -- not the couple, and not both sets of parents -- did the inviting as the hosts of the wedding.

The bridegroom did not need family identification because he was likely from the same town, or at least had conducted the courtship under the eyes of all who were likely to be wedding guests. All of them had long since inquired, "Who are his people?"

Now that brides live and choose husbands where they please, the bridegroom's family's guests may be puzzled to receive an invitation from people they don't know. So his parents' names are sometimes included. Or they may include a personal card with the invitations they send.

Miss Manners recommends that you and your mother gently explain the misunderstanding to your prospective mother-in-law, and offer to change the wording or suggest that she include her card. Or you could turn this into a full-fledged family feud poisoning your wedding, not to mention your married life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I very recently gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. My friends and co-workers have all been very thoughtful and sympathetic; we have been sent flowers, plants, cards and meals. My problem is that I'm not sure how to phrase the thank-you cards to them. Somehow, "Thank you for the lovely plant and for your prayers" doesn't seem quite enough, yet I can't think of what else to add.

GENTLE READER: "They meant a great deal to me." Sometimes, Miss Manners assures you, the most conventional statements are both true and welcome.

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