DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the proper response to a homeowner's admonition to "just ignore the mess" when entering her home? "OK!" seems insulting; "What mess?" is phony; and "Mine's a lot worse" is transparent and self-deprecating.

GENTLE READER: When there is no right answer, polite people smile. Head tilted to one side, please, and no teeth showing.

Miss Manners assures you that this can convey either sympathy for the universal human problem of keeping things neat or amusement that anyone would apologize for a basically orderly house -- depending on which interpretation the homeowner prefers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a formal invitation to a distant relation's black-tie evening wedding, but, unable to afford the attire for such an event, we chose not to attend.

However, the invitation's response card had only selections for what we would like to eat at the reception, and no place where we could let the couple know that we would not be attending. We were under the impression that when there is no option on the invitation to decline the event, then not returning the card tells the couple that we will not be attending.

Later, I received a frantic call from the bride's mother asking whether we would be attending and what we wanted to eat. My husband's family thought we were wrong not to respond immediately to say we wouldn't be attending.

Should I have written a note on the response card declining, but offering our best wishes? Or were my husband and I correct that in such a situation no response is a "No, thank you"?

This type of invitation (without a means to decline) is common for this branch of the family, and it is not the first phone call from them to confirm events. I know I am supposed to respond with the same method as the invitation, but since they generally do not provide a means to decline, and do not agree that no response means "No, thank you," should I telephone them instead? I do not wish to appear like I am snubbing them. Please tell me, what is the proper way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: May a despairing Miss Manners plead that you, and the many others who declare themselves baffled by formal invitations, apply a modicum of common sense to the situation?

If so, you would surely realize that:

1. Every invitation, no matter how formal or how casual, requires a response. Silence is both uninformative and rude. It is, as you say, a snub.

2. Responding is the obligation of the person who was invited, even if the host (probably out of bitter experience with noncompliance) tries to help by issuing reminders, deadlines or cards.

3. Responding in kind means that a written invitation is answered in writing, a telephoned invitation by telephone, and so on. So unless you are unable to put your hands on a pen, a piece of paper and a stamp, you do not lack the means of responding. And even then, some response, say by telephone, would be better than none at all.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: To my chagrin, I learned that the erstwhile object of my affections has given me a lovely memento, also known as a social disease. Additional tests are pending to ensure that there is no true cause for alarm. It is an unwelcome but extremely effective cure for a broken heart.

What is the proper way to alert him to this fact, as he will also need treatment? Must I do this in person? He is abroad for another week. My disgust is such that without your guidance, I have awful visions of denouncing his infidelity or blurting out bad puns.

GENTLE READER: Do not do that. Repeat: not.

It is not only that you want to remain a lady, even when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman. This is especially true when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman and who knows a great deal of personal information about you.

Miss Manners recommends that you inform him in writing, so you are not tempted to say more than you should. E-mail will not do, because it so easily goes astray -- and can be forwarded. Also, you need to be able to tear up your first 10 drafts so that the one you send is simple, factual and decently worded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need an effective reply to a person (usually a potential suitor in whom I'm not wildly interested) who asks for my time by saying, "How does your calendar look?" or the closely related, "What are you doing next Saturday?" Obviously, I can't say that my calendar is booked until the end of time, nor do I want to give away the fact that my Saturday is free, only to discover that the invitation is to help sharpen lawnmower blades all day. And because neither question is a true invitation, I can't say, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" without sounding a little strange.

I've tried sighing and saying, "Oh, whew, I'm just so busy lately!" but it doesn't work. My most persistent friend is patient and keeps pressing until I finally say, "Well, I'm free the first Saturday in December," and then I throw the phone across the room after we hang up.

Would you please remind people of the polite way to ask for someone's time, and provide me with a way out of this all-too-frequent dilemma?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, even people you might like to see have no business asking what you are doing before issuing an invitation. This is the social equivalent of asking for a signature on a blank check. In a person who must suspect that you are avoiding him, it is all the more reprehensible.

So you need a polite equivalent of "Not if I see you first."

That would be to say that your schedule is "crowded," and, if pressed, to say, or rather whine, "I just can't make any new engagements now."

Should someone whom you might want to see pose the question, Miss Manners recommends saying, "There is too much I should be doing -- but what were you thinking?" If the specific invitation is to help paint his barn, you can appear to think for a minute before saying, "No, I'd love to, but I really shouldn't."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This evening I found myself waiting in line with two young men who proceeded loudly to proclaim at least five different countries they would like to bomb, and advocated reintroducing the draft so that everyone else would have to share their "sacrifice."

They then loudly branded several political figures they disapproved of "---holes."

I bit my tongue and waited quietly. Then the people in front of me joined in and, incredibly, they all complained about how persecuted they were and how they should band together and "rule the world" (their words, not mine).

I live in a small, relatively liberal town in a very red state, and this is not the first time something like this has happened. At least once a week, I hear jokes or comments that if not overtly racist, contain racist, sexist or homophobic assumptions.

A few weeks ago, I saw someone in a public place wearing a T-shirt that said "celebrate diversity" covered with an assortment of brightly colored guns.

What should I do in these situations? When the people are strangers I bite my tongue for the sake of maintaining a civil society. But what do you do when they are relatives?

I don't want this sort of behavior rubbing off on my nieces and nephews, but whenever I express any kind of disapproval, I am labeled overly sensitive or a knee-jerk liberal (a dirty word in this part of the country). It seems I am expected to hold my tongue politely while they offend anyone and everyone they want.

A friend of mine says I should just keep quiet and let these people talk, that they are only embarrassing themselves.

But you know what? They are not embarrassed. In fact, they are quite proud of themselves.

I've taken to simply leaving the room or avoiding certain people, but when children are around, I worry that by remaining silent, I am becoming complicit in the bad examples set by others. And frankly, I'm getting very tired of showing tolerance to the intolerant. Any hints on how to behave civilly and still sleep at night?

GENTLE READER: What you hear in the street is called freedom of speech. And considering your relatives, it does not sound as if you need to go out looking for an argument.

Not that what you have described to Miss Manners resembles anything like a political argument. Surely you do not harbor the delusion that presenting your views or trading insults would change the minds of people who engage in such polemics.

So yes, you should ignore strangers. And if you can get away from your relatives when they are carrying on, and do so without making a scene, you should. It would be better to make an agreement with them that since you have such different views, and since airing them leads to unpleasantness, talking politics be banned when you are together.

It is of no benefit to the children for you to engage in exchanges of name-calling. However, your conscience would be proud of you if you sought opportunities with them to explain and refute prejudice -- without personally attacking your and their relatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would be the best way to discourage my parents from asking me questions about my finances?

GENTLE READER: Being demonstratively responsible and solvent.

Or asking if they meant it as an overture to helping.

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