DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend recently sent me a link to a Web site with information about her niece and her intended who are getting married six months from now.

The backfield was crimson. The print and wedding-theme logos were white. There was a grid of nine boxes to click, pulling up different windows listing dates, events, accommodations, attendants, guest book and bridal registries for which the engaged couple had signed up.

There was a box marked "photo album," which, if clicked, pulled up a slide show of family photos. There was a box "about us" which, if clicked, pulled up a photo of the couple and prose about who they are and how they met.

I thought the Web site looked so high tech as to seem like a promo for an upcoming theatrical release. I thought it vulgar -- perhaps a bad joke. And it could be somewhat exclusionary in light of possible older family members who are not computer and Internet savvy.

I asked a couple of friends if they had ever seen such a wedding announcement Web site; only one had.

Is this a new trend? Is the romance gone from weddings in the name of slick merchandizing of the couple hoping to take in a truckload of gifts? Does one assume there will be a prenuptual agreement, too? It is all so show-biz. I'd enjoy knowing what you think about it.

GENTLE READER: In the years immediately preceding the wedding Web site (which is now common, although your circle has been fortunate enough to miss it), invitations sent by mail were so stuffed with directions, hotel choices and sightseeing opportunities that the marriage seemed like merely one choice of amusements among many.

For that reason, Miss Manners would consider the Web site a useful improvement. But that is only until she looks at what is stuffed into it.

The unlimited space on the Internet seems to have turned everyone into the person no one wants to sit next to on the airplane. And beyond the widespread general desire to pour out their lives and thoughts to all and sundry, lovers are notoriously susceptible to believing that they are the center of the universe and the envy of all.

Of course, they are influenced by show business. Do you think the couple has spent that long engagement gazing at each other? They have been working on the set, the costumes, the make-up, the props and the extras (that's you, the wedding guests).

So they not only create the promo but include a sort of illustrated fan magazine story about themselves.

True, it is not in the best of taste. But kindhearted people are inclined to indulge them in this on the grounds that they are not, at this moment of their lives, in their right minds.

And it is useful to have the map and the hotel list, and easy to make printouts for the computer-less.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my mother's house, I was just hanging out and having a drink, which I was slurping. When my mother realized I was slurping, she said it was rude to slurp -- but we did not have any company. I know it is rude to slurp in public, but is it rude to slurp in private?

GENTLE READER: No, but you were not in private. You were in the company of your mother.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of your gentle readers used the phrase "people of breeding," and indicated that they knew certain rules of etiquette. I cannot help but think of dogs and horses as objects of breeding rather than people.

Is the phrase still an acceptable way to refer to people well versed in basic etiquette?

GENTLE READER: People do breed, Miss Manners is given to understand. But you are quite right that those who believe that it is something about which to brag in public cannot be considered polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent road trip, I stopped at a small-town auto parts store to buy a replacement brake-light bulb. Realizing I would need a socket wrench to complete the repair, I went inside and asked for assistance.

I asked if they had a wrench I could borrow for a few minutes, and the young man kindly offered to put in the replacement bulb himself, as I am a young lady who (as evidenced by my confused look) does not know much about car repairs.

When he was finished, I went inside to pay for the bulb, which was about a dollar. I gave the young man three dollars and said to keep the change, as well as verbally thanking him for his assistance. He silently handed me back all of the change, and gave me a look to indicate that he was insulted.

It is my understanding that a tip is given when a service is performed. Considering this young man worked at an auto-parts store and not an auto-repair shop, I thought it would be appropriate to give him a little something for his trouble, so to speak. Was I wrong to do so?

GENTLE READER: Evidently. But how were you to know that you had encountered one of the rare survivors of the once-universal American disdain for tipping?

A mere century ago, as Miss Manners recalls, tipping was considered an affront to both the dignity of labor and the generosity of helpfulness. The idea was that we all earned our wages and that if we did extra favors, it was out of the goodness of our hearts. It was therefore insulting to imply that we were trolling for handouts.

Then came the ugly notion that employers could avoid paying fair wages for service jobs when it was implied that the quality of service depended on how much extra the client was willing to throw in. Honest workers, who took pride in doing their best anyway, had no choice; they were forced to depend on tips to make a living.

In recent years, the last vestiges of pride seemed to have vanished, and cupped hands or tip cups are everywhere.

Except in that particular auto parts store.

Miss Manners is sorry about your embarrassment, which you can avoid in future by asking, "May I pay you?" so that it sounds like a regular charge rather than a tip. But she can't help admiring the cause.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to the rampant trend of people soliciting gifts and charging cover fees for birthday parties?

One month, I had two party invitations for the same night. The first was a 30th birthday party with a minimum $35 cover for coffee, tea, and three hors d'eurves I could not eat (I'm a vegetarian), and $50 to attend a later performance. When I RSVPed that I could not attend because it was a bit pricey, the organizer (a friend of the b-day girl) sniped at me that it was quite a bargain.

The other party that night was a house-warming/40th birthday party for a high-earning friend who has everything she and her high-earning, live-in boyfriend could need.

This weekend, I am attending a bridal shower for a 35-year-old friend who is about to have her second wedding to a well-to-do man, with whom she already lives. The wedding follows in a week or two.

Both of these invitations specified where they were registered.

I think all this mandating of presents is utterly crude -- not to mention not applicable to their life stage or status. These are intelligent people who should be capable of deflecting consumer programming and seeing the crassness of their behavior -- or are they?

A co-worker thinks I need to recruit new friends. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Good luck in finding them. The self-celebration, complete with self-selected material tributes but guest sponsorship, is, as you say, rampant.

The only way this crude practice will stop is if the targets refuse to cooperate.

Miss Manners suggests that you make a start by declining such invitations. This does not require an explanation or excuse, only a conventional expression of regret that you will be unable to attend. If you send your congratulations and good wishes to your friends, it may eventually become clear that your objection is not to them but to their form of entertainment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the social director for my department in grad school. This means that I have a small budget with which to throw parties and other events for the grad students in my major. This is fine and so far the parties have gone well.

Once in a while, a student will bring along their significant other or favorite professor, who I have served with the rest of my guests. In small numbers, this is manageable, but how do I subtly remind them that these events are for grad students only?

I would like to accommodate everyone, but I cannot afford it. Also, what do I say to others who ask if they can bring guests after this ad hoc precedent has been set?

GENTLE READER: Subtlety is a lovely quality, but it is not always the most effective method of getting information across. Or even the most polite one, if it leaves your guests in doubt.

Bringing along a professor to a department party, or even a friend, is not quite equal to the crime of bringing unexpected guests to a private party, and goodness knows there is a lot of that going on.

Here it strikes Miss Manners as a simple misunderstanding. You should say when you announce the party that it is only for the graduate students themselves, and answer queries with an apology that you are unfortunately unable to accommodate others.

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