DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to offer to be a surrogate mother? We have some dear friends who have tried almost everything to have a baby. They don't have any family closer than a three-day drive and I'm sure would want to be physically close to the person carrying their child.

We've known them for years, and they've been there to help us with each of our children. Is there a polite way to offer? We've discussed with them their desire for children and their frustration at their infertility.

GENTLE READER: Suppose they decline? Wouldn't it be hard not to take that personally?

There are so many supposable emotional landmines in this situation -- not only now but ever after, should such an offer be accepted -- that Miss Manners' question might seem trivial. But this is the first one to handle, and perhaps a test of the delicacy that such a relationship would require.

Because these are old and close friends who have confided in you, it would not be untoward of you to inquire whether they would consider a surrogate mother. Not you (yet) but any. If they say yes, the next question is whether they would want it to be someone with whom they had a continuing relationship. Then you might want to discuss how they think it might work. And only then, if you find that your ideas about this are compatible, do you say that you would consider it.

The idea here is not to be coy, but to allow everyone to back off without suffering or causing embarrassment when it is merely a theoretical discussion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I inquired if I could join a friend on a trip she was taking with her sister and two others, her response was that she "would have to see if there was room for me" and "this trip is not cheap."

I am asking if I was wrong to ask her to accompany her on this trip and also clarify my interpretation of her response to me. It pretty much seemed clear to me that she did not want me to go, and I also didn't know that I was low on the totem pole in our group of friends, apparently. Please help me to understand.

GENTLE READER: It is nice that you asked your friend whether you could come along on a trip she had already planned instead of just popping up with your luggage.

It is not so nice that you decided that the only acceptable answer would be, "Sure, come along, we'll start re-booking everything to include you."

Why is it so hard to understand that even a valued friend might not fit into every trip?

If you want to travel with this lady, Miss Manners suggests that you organize the next trip and invite her along. You will discover that it is quite different for five people to travel together than four, no matter where they are on the totem pole.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a waiter in a casual brunch-and-dinner restaurant. On a couple of occasions, patrons have left payment for their bill as well as their phone numbers.

My wife thinks this is an indication that I am being overly friendly to these women. Before you ask, yes, I always wear my wedding band. How can I convince my wife that I am not encouraging these advances?

GENTLE READER: Have you tried not announcing these events to her?

Miss Manners is not advocating your keeping secrets from your wife. It was the way you told her that aroused that lady's suspicions. Had you said, "I don't understand why some customers leave their telephone numbers when they're not paying by check -- and oddly enough, it is always women," your wife would have hugged you, saying, "Oh, you poor innocent dear."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that it is correct to respond to an invitation by the same means as the invitation was issued -- to wit: by telephone to a telephoned invitation; by e-mail to an e-mail invitation; by paper and pen to a mailed invitation.

But what is the protocol for responding to a mailed invitation that instructs recipients to reply by e-mail to a Web site?

My husband and I recently received such an invitation to a political consciousness/fund-raising gathering sponsored by long-time acquaintances at their home. Immediately, as soon as I opened the mail and realized that we would not be able to attend (nor really care to), I replied by e-mail to the Web site address specified for responses.

Still, I had a faint, nagging sense that I should also reply with pen and paper by mail. That seemed a bit much, particularly since I had followed instructions and, also, because it was a politically focused fund-raiser, not a personal social occasion.

I could have, eventually, put the matter out of my mind, except that the day before the event, one of the hosts telephoned me and inquired if we had received the invitation. I assured him that we had, and, in fact, had regretfully declined via e-mail on the very day it had arrived. I felt badly that he had not received our response but, in the end, felt that the fault lay -- at least partially -- with the Web site.

We do like these people, have known them for years, and want to maintain a friendly relationship.

GENTLE READER: Of course you may follow instructions to reply by e-mail and leave it at that. Your real question, Miss Manners suspects, is how you can convince your friends that you are not one of those etiquette-derelicts who fails to respond and then lies about having done so.

Let us hope that you have already accomplished this. Your word, backed by a history with these people during which you have presumably always answered their invitations, should be enough.

Written responses may be lost in the mail, telephone messages may be inadvertently erased, and e-mail may be caught in a spam filter -- but just not as often as people claim.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I met a man about a year ago through one of those online singles Web sites. We really hit it off right away and eventually became sexually intimate. At that point, I made it very clear that I had cancelled my subscription to the singles Web site, and I expected him to do the same.

He refused to do that, so I felt I had to break off the relationship. The idea that he was still active on this type of sites made me feel as if I was someone he was just "killing time" with until he met someone else.

We didn't see each other for six months, and then he contacted me recently. We picked up right where we had left off, and I was so happy to be back together with him. Then I realized that even though I had made myself very clear on the issue, he is still on the dating Web sites.

GENTLE READER: What is your question? Miss Manners is afraid that this person has also made himself very clear.

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