DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a waiter in a casual brunch-and-dinner restaurant. On a couple of occasions, patrons have left payment for their bill as well as their phone numbers.

My wife thinks this is an indication that I am being overly friendly to these women. Before you ask, yes, I always wear my wedding band. How can I convince my wife that I am not encouraging these advances?

GENTLE READER: Have you tried not announcing these events to her?

Miss Manners is not advocating your keeping secrets from your wife. It was the way you told her that aroused that lady's suspicions. Had you said, "I don't understand why some customers leave their telephone numbers when they're not paying by check -- and oddly enough, it is always women," your wife would have hugged you, saying, "Oh, you poor innocent dear."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that it is correct to respond to an invitation by the same means as the invitation was issued -- to wit: by telephone to a telephoned invitation; by e-mail to an e-mail invitation; by paper and pen to a mailed invitation.

But what is the protocol for responding to a mailed invitation that instructs recipients to reply by e-mail to a Web site?

My husband and I recently received such an invitation to a political consciousness/fund-raising gathering sponsored by long-time acquaintances at their home. Immediately, as soon as I opened the mail and realized that we would not be able to attend (nor really care to), I replied by e-mail to the Web site address specified for responses.

Still, I had a faint, nagging sense that I should also reply with pen and paper by mail. That seemed a bit much, particularly since I had followed instructions and, also, because it was a politically focused fund-raiser, not a personal social occasion.

I could have, eventually, put the matter out of my mind, except that the day before the event, one of the hosts telephoned me and inquired if we had received the invitation. I assured him that we had, and, in fact, had regretfully declined via e-mail on the very day it had arrived. I felt badly that he had not received our response but, in the end, felt that the fault lay -- at least partially -- with the Web site.

We do like these people, have known them for years, and want to maintain a friendly relationship.

GENTLE READER: Of course you may follow instructions to reply by e-mail and leave it at that. Your real question, Miss Manners suspects, is how you can convince your friends that you are not one of those etiquette-derelicts who fails to respond and then lies about having done so.

Let us hope that you have already accomplished this. Your word, backed by a history with these people during which you have presumably always answered their invitations, should be enough.

Written responses may be lost in the mail, telephone messages may be inadvertently erased, and e-mail may be caught in a spam filter -- but just not as often as people claim.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I met a man about a year ago through one of those online singles Web sites. We really hit it off right away and eventually became sexually intimate. At that point, I made it very clear that I had cancelled my subscription to the singles Web site, and I expected him to do the same.

He refused to do that, so I felt I had to break off the relationship. The idea that he was still active on this type of sites made me feel as if I was someone he was just "killing time" with until he met someone else.

We didn't see each other for six months, and then he contacted me recently. We picked up right where we had left off, and I was so happy to be back together with him. Then I realized that even though I had made myself very clear on the issue, he is still on the dating Web sites.

GENTLE READER: What is your question? Miss Manners is afraid that this person has also made himself very clear.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student working toward a degree in English teaching. My classmates and I find ourselves facing the following comments in a social setting:

"Oooh, you're an English major, I better watch what I say!" or when we slip up and say something grammatically incorrect, many around us laugh hysterically and holler, "I thought you were going to be an English teacher!"

We all find this rude, and it makes us uncomfortable, and we are not sure how to respond correctly to this. We do not wish to be snippy, but we would like to make it clear that we do not appreciate this sort of commentary.

GENTLE READER: You are getting off easy. As an English major in her time, Miss Manners recalls those tedious remarks, as well the one about how you expect to make a living out of that.

But she can assure you that there is a set of equally tedious remarks for every major, and that it only gets worse when you enter a profession. For example, when a committee of lawyers took Miss Manners to lunch to complain that they are bombarded with lawyer jokes -- but only after nearly every one of them had delivered a version of "Oh, Miss Manners is here, so I'd better watch my table manners!"

Talk about tedious.

But we cannot be rude in return. The most you can do is to refrain from smiling, as a way of conveying how many times you have heard this lame humor before, and to resolve never to voice the first silly thing that comes to mind about other people's majors and professions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lady I know begins mopping her floors while the guests are still seated and milling around. When and what should be cleaned, and to what extent?

GENTLE READER: A lady properly mops her floors while entertaining guests if one of them has been sick on it. Or if she is hoping they will go home. And now that Miss Manners comes to think of it, the two conditions are not mutually exclusive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Clapping for oneself seems to be the norm these days, for example, when one's name is called at a gala dinner.

What is the proper thing to do when one's name is announced for congratulatory reasons? I can imagine rising a bit in one's seat, but what about when it would be awkward, for various reasons, to stand up?

GENTLE READER: As you seem to realize, Miss Manners does not espouse "the norm," but what is proper. With all the self-celebrating going on today, she expects to hear choruses of "For I'm a Jolly Good Fellow," which she does not intend to applaud. If you are singled out for attention, the proper procedure is to rise "a bit," as you put it, or just wave, with a modest smile and a word of thanks that may be simply mouthed. If you are listed with others, you need smile modestly only at those nearby who turn around to look at you.

: