DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am living with a gentleman who was separated from his wife for about a year and a half before we got involved. They are in the process of getting a divorce, which should be final at the end of next season. We have been together for a year.

He says that he wants to marry me, but that he cannot possibly ask me until after their divorce is final, because it would not be proper.

I believe that it is no less proper than him living with me, which he says might be proper, depending on whose rules you live by. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

Under the circumstances, is it improper for us to become engaged? I am worried that he is putting me off.

GENTLE READER: It seems that the rules he lives by are that extramarital arrangements do not count: One is either married or one is not, and a married person cannot contract a marriage with someone else.

Miss Manners recognizes these rules, which dominated society back when... Did you think she was going to say when lovers were more patient? No -- when they were more discreet.

You have a point, in that your living arrangement -- and for that matter, society in general -- has done away with discretion. Still, it does seem an extra affront to the wife's dignity to have her legal husband publicly celebrating an engagement to someone else.

Surely it is a tiny concession to make to her, and for that matter, his own feelings. Your worry about whether he intends to marry you will not be resolved by nudging him to violate these feelings.

If you want the answer to that, you could declare a new recognition of propriety, move out, and see how he takes it. Or you could spare him the drama and yourself the moving costs by being patient for another season, after which he will either propose to you or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I departed a hotel after midnight and walked to an elevator to go to the parking garage. The area near the elevator was deserted except for a woman who was a stranger. The garage itself was undoubtedly deserted too.

I made some small talk to attempt to put her at ease and she was positively responsive. Then when we entered the elevator she pressed the button for the same deck where my car was parked. When I didn't press a button I noticed a hint of alarm in her eyes. I began to wonder what would happen if our cars were parked in the same area and it appeared that I was following her.

Normally I always step aside and let a lady pass through a door before me. But in this case, I exited first, wished her a pleasant night, and walked ahead of her toward my car. I now wonder if I panicked and assumed too much.

GENTLE READER: Whether you were correct in assuming that the two cars might be parked near each other, or even in assuming that the lady was alarmed, Miss Manners cannot say. But it was astute and correct of you to assume that the formality of allowing the lady to exit first was trumped by the thoughtfulness of not appearing to be dangerous.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment building that has a security door and intercom system on the main floor. When a date comes to pick me up, should he come all the way up to my unit or should he remain in the vestibule until I come down? Or should I buzz him into the lobby and say that I will be right down?

Does the answer vary depending upon how many dates I've had with him?

GENTLE READER: Hold on. The question of how many dates it should be before he goes to your apartment surely has to do with the other end of the date. And Miss Manners prefers not to be involved in that.

A gentleman picks up a lady at her front door, but you may, if you wish, define this as the front door of the building. Having him come up suggests that some form of hospitality will be offered, and Miss Manners has already excused herself from deciding that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be going to a formal dinner party soon. It has been years since I have been to one, and I am not sure what utensils to use. Can you please help me?

GENTLE READER: Only if you promise not to tell anyone how easy it is. That would ruin etiquette's reputation as a mysterious, if not sinister, rite, unfathomable to -- well, to practically every except Miss Manners.

A properly set table, formal or informal, provides diners with the exact tools, neither more nor less, that they need to eat the meal being served, arranged in an outside-to-inside pattern. And that's it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need some advice on the privacy of e-mails. I recently had a situation where I wrote an e-mail to a friend discussing some sensitive matter. This friend forwarded my email to somebody else in our circle, which in turn created a very unpleasant situation. The obvious solution is not to put private matters in e-mails, but due to a very irregular work schedule and a difference in time zones finding a good time to call can be a challenge.

How do I communicate that I consider an e-mail sent to a single recipient as private as a face-to-face conversation, phone call or letter?

GENTLE READER: By delivering confidences in person or by telephone. Then, when people repeat what you have said, at least you can deny it.

Miss Manners is sorry to deprive you of writing your friends on office time. But people really must learn that e-mail, convenient as it is for so many purposes, is not a proper means to communicate things that you do not want repeated. Nor, for that matter, are letters. In pre-e-mail days, one was always hearing about letters falling "into the wrong hands," either because someone snooped or the recipient passed them around.

The standard advice then was, "Don't put it in writing unless you want everyone to know." This applies even more to e-mail. Not only are snooping and forwarding both easier, but a third possibility -- that of your hitting the wrong button and circulating it around your workplace -- is only too likely.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: After 40 years of marriage, I think that I can speak to which sorts of wedding gifts will bring joy and sweet memories over two joined lifetimes, and during those times when the marriage may feel like a longer sentence than that. That is, the lovely piece of silver (however modest in size), the crystal sugar bowl and the additions to one's table services.

As the children of siblings, cousins and dear friends marry now, however, I find "requests" for increasingly strange gifts. I can easily ignore the registries of, for instance, barbeque tools and plastic dishes. If the bride has descended to that level in her quest to match her gifts to her current shabby housing, not believing that she will ever live elsewhere, then I can set her straight with appropriate nudges -- a crystal vase or silver something.

But here comes another "idea," with the filip of a load of guilt. The happy couple wants their guests to contribute to a particular charity -- "we only want your company," etc. Is this a new twist on the "just send us money for our honeymoon?"

I am happy for their devotion to charity. But am I whining when I say to you that the joy of picking out just the right congratulatory gift, knowing that it will be displayed (my taste is impeccable, so of course it would be), and that auntie may be thought of fondly as the years go by, is a pleasure not to be denied?

Must I now, though, feel guilty at even thinking of depriving starving children of my largesse? Which, while tasteful, is not large enough to change history, medicine or politicians' hearts.

Or send a spoon and a check? Or throw up my hands in exasperation, send them their darn check, and forget about weddings until sense and manners reign again?

GENTLE READER: When will that be? Miss Manners can hardly wait.

The charity plea is at least well meant. It says, in effect, "We know it is customary for guests to pay for attending weddings, but we are donating the proceeds to a good cause."

The problem is their premise. Yes, wedding guests customarily give wedding presents, but it is still rudely presumptuous of their hosts to tell them to do so.

Even Robin Hood and Maid Marian are not supposed to reach into the pockets of their own guests.

But try telling that to bridal couples who see the present potential as a shopping service or source of income, or to guests who don't want to put thought into pleasing the recipients. Among them, they have turned the charming custom of exchanging presents into a meaningless commercial transaction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper etiquette to lick your knife at the dinner table? I have told my granddaughter it is not but await your answer.

GENTLE READER: No, it is not. And Miss Manners hopes she caught this in time, before your granddaughter slices off her tongue.

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