DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find that I am sometimes asked for small favors by complete strangers, and while it might cost me little to comply, sometimes what I perceive as their expectation that I will makes me uncomfortable, and, indeed, less likely to help.

At the corner store today, a lovely young lady in line behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could go on ahead of me, as she had only one item. I merely told her, "I have three" and turned back away.

Her audibly exasperated reaction made me want to ask you, was this an unreasonable or rude response on my part? She gave me no reason to believe there was a reason for her request -- some emergency, perhaps -- other than her desire not to wait in line.

GENTLE READER: It is possible that this lovely young lady was out to take outrageous advantage of you, as everybody these days seems to believe everyone else is.

It is also possible that she did have an urgent reason to rush. How much of a supplication would you require her to make in order to obtain what you admit is a small favor that would cost you little?

Miss Manners acknowledges that courtesy did not require you to yield as long as you treated the request politely. She just wishes that our society was not bristling with so much hostility and suspicion as to consider it an affront when someone asks for what you admitted to be a small favor that would have cost you little.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever my in-laws visit -- which is not very often -- they like try to discipline my children when my husband and I are right there and are often already in the midst of handling any "bad behavior" during their attempts.

I can understand, maybe, if we were allowing our children to do dangerous things or annoy them or be impolite, but that is not the situation. We always handle things with our children as they happen and have a good grip on what is going on.

They just seem to like to add to whatever we are saying and often end up yelling at our kids or talking sternly to them when we are already doing so. They have even resorted to popping the children.

I am hoping you can help me come up with a very nice, respectful way of saying that they should just enjoy their visit with my children and leave the disciplining to us.

GENTLE READER: These people don't understand the concept of grandparenthood, do they? The whole idea is to have a jolly time playing with them and then, when they get all hepped up and out of control, to say, "Well, it's time for my nap" and hand them over to their parents.

Instead, it is these grandparents who seem out of control. Yelling and "popping"? Uh-oh.

Miss Manners suggests that you gently enlighten them. The way to put it is: "We want the children to enjoy your visits, but they've become frightened of you. They know that if they misbehave, they'll be in trouble with us, so you can afford to be the good guys."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I try to appreciatively acknowledge when I receive superior service with organizations like chain stores, tech support, government employees, etc. I've done the obvious:

-- Said thanks to the person (profound grasp of the obvious)

-- Mentioned their name to their manager. If in a rush, made a note to myself to call later before I forgot

-- Gone to store Web site to use "Contact Us" (time consuming, but perhaps there is a better way)

-- Asked for them on subsequent visits, as applicable

If I've got something like flowers for my wife with me, give them one (but not in a flirtatious manner and done very carefully if my wife is not with me, and only to females after mentioning in passing at least twice something like, "My wife and I live a couple of miles from here," as fits the circumstances).

I'm looking for the best r.o.i. (return on investment) -- less time consuming so I will be inclined to do this more rather than less, especially when I am in a rush to get home to prepare a backlog of thank you cards.

I suppose I could have some small cards made up?

GENTLE READER: Nobody believes in commending good service, both to the person who provided it and to that person's supervisor, more than Miss Manners. Or so she would have thought until she saw your routine.

The commendation to the manager, the letter and the Web site offer alternative ways of notifying the supervisor; doing all three is overkill. Thanking the person is gracious; handing out flowers and cards is, well, a bit bizarre. You are not only burdening yourself unnecessarily but perhaps scaring these good people and making their supervisors suspect that you must be related to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am feeling incorrect. A colleague recently became engaged and was delightedly showing her ring to the women at work. Each one squealed "Congratulations!" While I am as happy as the others are for her, it seems a bit like she won the grand prize on a game show rather than committed to a lifetime of caring and responsibility.

What is the "correct" response? I settled for something along the order of "I'm sooooo happy for you!" which did not seem as celebratory but was the best I could do on short notice.

There are many young, unmarried, women in my office, and I am sure to have to know the answer to this question in the near future.

GENTLE READER: It is you whom Miss Manners must congratulate. You have stumbled accidentally on the correct approach.

Strictly speaking, a lady should never be congratulated on her engagement or marriage, however charming the gentleman. It is he who is officially the lucky one, to whom congratulations are given. She is properly wished happiness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, I have had several invitations to different parties that note at the bottom "No gifts please" or other similar phrases.

What exactly does that mean? Some have told me it means cards only; others have said it means no wrapped gifts, but that money is appropriate. Can you clarify this for me?

GENTLE READER: Which is the part that is unclear? Even forking over cash, crude as that is, constitutes a gift.

These are not coy times, when people trouble to put a veneer of decency on their greed. Miss Manners can assure you that those who mean to hit you up for money will say so.

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