DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague has offered to bring coffee to an upcoming meeting of about five people, and I'm wondering if it's appropriate to offer my co-worker's particular coffee preferences.

With everybody's unique coffee demands nowadays (half-caf, double whip, extra hot, with room), is it reasonable to offer these known preferences, or do I wait for the person offering to ask?

I'm pretty sure they want everybody to be happy with the coffee they bring, and I think the others would certainly appreciate that personalized touch, but I feel like I might be turning the kind offer to bring coffee into more than what was initially offered.

I realize it would be unreasonable to make these specialized requests for a group of 20. What would be your threshold for how big a group this would be acceptable?

GENTLE READER: "May I get anyone some coffee?" is such a courteously collegial prelude to a meeting that Miss Manners hates to see it disappear.

But it is not going to survive if the generous colleague is pelted with orders for espresso, regular, cappuccino, mocha, Americano, frappucchino, caramel or iced and instructions in pseudo-Italian about the size and whether the milk should be steamed, foamed or spillable.

This is not to say that people should not get the coffee they want, which they can easily do by bringing it in themselves. But a casual offer is different from designating someone to get the lunches, which involves writing down who wants a sesame seed bagel and make sure not to get poppy seeds, who wants only the kind of yogurt that has to be stirred, and so on.

Miss Manners would say that the number of special coffee requests should equal what a reasonable person -- or the particular person making the offer -- can remember without writing anything down.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You probably haven't encountered this question before:

At my wedding, a very close friend asked her daughter to get up and dance. To which her 30-something daughter tossed her water over her shoulder on her formally dressed mother. It's very lucky she didn't hit my elderly aunt sitting behind her.

I didn't find out about this until after the fact. However I find myself still very angry almost a month later. At her own wedding, this woman would have personally thrown someone out for doing that.

Should I say something to her or just try and forget about it? I know it was her mother that was hit and she's still not talking to her daughter, but since it was an event we put on, should I mention it or just keep my mouth shut and forget about it?

I should mention that I'm not just angry for the drama at my wedding, but my poor friend was embarrassed, and so were the other people at her table, which they have all made me aware of.

GENTLE READER: What is it you thought of saying?

"Don't you know it's rude to throw water at your mother?"

"You almost hit my aunt"?

"I'll never invite you to another wedding of mine again"?

Miss Manners could go on, but you probably see her point: The scene is over and done with, it was between mother and daughter and you were not even aware of it at the time. You don't even need to let this person know why you -- and probably everyone within range of her waterfall -- are now steering clear of her. She knows.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question about appropriate bar etiquette for college-aged women. While I believe it is a nice gesture for men to offer to buy women a drink, I do not believe women should ask or tell a man to do so.

My friend seems to think her bold/forward requests for a beverage make her seem traditional. This friend is often shameless to the point that I am so embarrassed that I will interrupt the exchange to tell her I will buy the drinks for us.

I feel her confidence and simultaneous helplessness in this situation is an odd dichotomy that comes across as cheap and using.

Am I wrong to wonder if under these circumstances liberated behavior of a young woman has been confused with plain old poor manners?

GENTLE READER: It is always touching to Miss Manners to hear of a young person who wants to behave in a traditional fashion. Too bad that the tradition your friend has adopted is that of cadging drinks in bars. What she is doing was not seen as bad manners so much as professional manners. It was the profession that was bad.

Last Miss Manners checked, it was still considered so.

Your friend seems to have made the unfortunately common mistake of confusing the concepts of liberated and lewd.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am interested in the etiquette of informing applicants of errors in their resumes.

As the primary contact for staffing in our company, I recently received a resume from an applicant that used the word "tenet" instead of "tenant" in several locations of their resume. I dismissed them completely because I believe if there is one thing you should proofread it would be your resume! Having been in this field for many years, I know that most of my colleagues feel the same way -- they won't even consider a resume with typographical, spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors.

What I am torn about is whether or not to inform this applicant that they are sending out a document that is damaging their chances at obtaining employment. Is it rude to point out the flaws in a case like this one?

GENTLE READER: Correcting other people's writing is rude unless you are authorized to do so. This is why Miss Manners will say nothing to you about pairing single subjects with plural pronouns.

However, it is a common complaint of job seekers that they are left wondering why they were rejected. It would be within your purview to let them know, in a matter-of-fact way, that you are sorry to inform them that they will not be hired, and that you and your colleagues disqualify those who have sent resumes that contain mistakes in the use of language.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's outgoing voicemail message ends in "bye." We have a disagreement over whether this is necessary. I say no, since she isn't talking to a real person. She says since the message is heard by a real person, it is polite to end the message that way. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your friend has grasped a concept that you seem to have missed: Voicemail is a device that enables a person to address other people; it is not itself being addressed.

Miss Manners can only hope that you do not compose your e-mails under the impression that you needn't be courteous because you are only addressing a machine.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think white linen suits look smashing in the summertime. I have had one of my own (off-white or ecru, to be honest) for a few years now and believe it flatters me quite a bit. (More importantly, my wife agrees.)

Having searched without success for the etiquette involved in the wearing of such an outfit, I have been forced to invent some rules for myself based on other etiquette rules. (I know, very dangerous.)

I never wear the suit before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, as if it were white shoes. Come to that, I never wear white shoes with it as it is not sportswear. I also never wear it in the evening.

How am I doing?

A recurring (and current) question is whether it is appropriate to wear as a guest to a daytime summer wedding. My mother (who remembers when such things were more widely respected) thinks it is correct, but it seems to break the ban on wearing white to a wedding. While I'm about it, would it make a difference if it were a "country" or "resort" wedding?

And what about seersucker? You have been so generous in clarifying the terms of seasonal dress for the ladies; can you give any guidance to us gentlemen?

GENTLE READER: You are doing fine, so long as you keep out of the ladies' rule book.

They are not supposed to wear black, red or white at weddings. Gentlemen, in contrast, must wear black at formal weddings, should wear red only when they are out hunting, and may safely wear white or off-white (seersucker being slightly more sporty) to informal daytime weddings without fear of being mistaken for the bride.

However. Miss Manners is pleased to note that you realize that the seasons govern gentlemen as well as ladies. And if they violate this by wearing white other than in the summer, they are more likely to be asked where they parked their ice cream trucks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A standing ovation seems almost de rigueur at concerts, etc., these days, no matter the caliber of the performance.

Is it considered rude to sit and applaud when others are giving a standing ovation? Or is this a time to "go with the flow" even if I disagree with the other audience members?

If a standing ovation now means giving encouragement and appreciation to thankless performers, instead of feedback for an outstanding production, then I will gladly participate.

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to discourage kindness, Miss Manners feels obliged to report that the purpose of curtain calls is to garner audience reaction, not to receive thanks. As you know from real life, people who expect thanks, such as hosts and the givers of presents, do not bow to provoke it.

Naturally, the performers hope that the reaction will be praise, if not adulation, in the form of applause, ovations and roses tossed at their feet. But they must take their chances. And they should realize that when ovations are routine and automatic -- as opposed to having a thrilled audience jump to its feet -- they are meaningless. If you think the performance good but not extraordinary, it is not rude to remain seated while clapping.

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