DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am often in a situation where I realize that the two people that I am talking to probably don't know each other or haven't been introduced to each other. It seems so stuffy to say, "Jason, this is Emma. Emma, this is Jason." And should you always start with the "higher ranking" person's name, or the newer person's name, in the intro?

To avoid the above stuffiness, I will usually say, "Emma, have you met Jason?" but then I feel like I might be insulting one of them by only directing the question to one. "Have you two met?" causes problems because then I am again faced with the stuffy, "Jason, this is Emma. Emma, this is Jason." What is a smooth way of making sure they know each other's names? Does any of this matter?

GENTLE READER: Stuffy? And, pray tell, exactly what, if you please, is wrong with being stuffy?

Miss Manners admits that her natural predilection for the stuffy has been stiffened by the way its opposite, "casual," has come to signal the sloppy and the uncaring. But even if she allowed you to get away with that slur, she could hardly imagine a more plain, simple, straightforward set of statements than "Emma, this is John Tweedledom. John, this is Sarah Tweedledee."

Yes, stuffy old Miss Manners has added their surnames. She finds it ridiculous to withhold half the identity if the introducer is to be of any use. And she has addressed the lady first, although a large difference in age also counts, and a 17-year-old Emma would be introduced to a 54-year-old Jason.

Those are small courtesies. What matters most is that you take it upon yourself to introduce people you know instead of letting them stand around awkwardly, and that you do so in the conventional way rather than struggling to reach for something original.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents are planning a party and had already invited the guests when they were subsequently invited to a different party that they're dying to attend on the same night.

What are the rules when it comes to canceling one's own party for another? Is it equally as rude as trying to get out of an invitation because you've been invited to something better? I think they want to pretend that they were already planning to go to the second party and made a mistake when scheduling their own.

GENTLE READER: No, it is not equally as rude. It is ruder. The defaulting guest has inconvenienced his hosts, which is bad enough. Defaulting hosts have inconvenienced their entire guest list -- which might contain people who might also have had better subsequent offers that they are now too late to accept.

Miss Manners supposes that the false excuse they propose is better than admitting that they want to enjoy a more interesting evening than they were planning to offer. And what are they planning to say when any of their own dismissed guests show up at the same party, knowing perfectly well when the invitations were issued.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I separated a few months ago, and I am now dating someone else. Recently my ex sent me a present with a note saying that he was surprised and sad that I began dating again so quickly, and that he wanted to remain friends.

Is there a required period of mourning for ex boyfriends? Please understand that he is not trying to get back together with me; we now live in different countries, and he has told me many times that he does not want a long distance relationship. He and I have been writing e-mails about once a month to keep in touch, which is how he found out that I had a new boyfriend.

Should I not have told him? How should I respond to his letter?

GENTLE READER: By thanking him for the present and chatting to him about your classes, you job, your garden, your dog -- anything but your new romance.

Your former beau is mistaken about there being a convention of observing a period of mourning for a dead romance. But Miss Manners is afraid that you are mistaken about there being no gestation period for a post-romantic friendship.

Did you really believe this was just another old pal to whom you could exalt about your new love? Did you imagine that he would take delight in hearing that he had been so easily replaced?

However mutual your decision to part, the effect of this is to trivialize the past and call into question the genuineness of your emotions at the time. It is, at best, thoughtless to tell someone to whom you recently professed love that you are doing the same with someone else. Not as damaging as doing so to someone to whom you are still pledged, which has been known to happen, but hurtful all the same.

Miss Manners presumes that you did not mean to insult the gentleman's retrospective feelings. But mere thoughtless disregard of the feelings of someone you once loved is callously wounding. The way to square that knowledge with Miss Manners' assurance that you need not actually curtail your social life is by practicing a useful but much-forgotten virtue called discretion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was eating at a cafe with a friend of mine when she took off her shoes and put her feet up on the chair at the empty table next to ours. There were not that many people in the restaurant, but I was still mortified. What, if, anything should I have said or done?

GENTLE READER: Well, you could have spread out, too, putting your coffee on the adjacent table -- even if you had to order a cup for that purpose and mistake the table on your return - and, oops, spilled it. That would have made the lady sit up in a hurry.

No, wait. Miss Manners does not actually advise hurting people, even when they seem to be asking for it. It would be better to warn her, after setting this up, that you are afraid you might spill your coffee and wouldn't want to take the risk of hurting her.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you give some advice to a professional opera singer who is frequently asked to give impromptu performances at social gatherings?

Much like the comedian constantly harangued for a joke or the doctor cornered for an opinion on a growth, I am struggling to find a graceful response to frequent well-intentioned entreaties for an aria from Boheme in the midst of an otherwise perfectly delightful occasion.

I feel like a heel to decline, but I don't care for winging it. I don't want to come off as the "diva" who refuses to sing except for a paying audience, and I don't see how I'm ever going to get people to stop asking. So, I need a few tools in my arsenal for handling these occasions gracefully.

GENTLE READER: If it is any comfort, you would also be criticized if you complied. Oh, sure, people would stand around admiringly. But however enchanting your performance, one or two would be bound to drift off in the middle, murmuring about your "showing off." The word "diva" would be used pejoratively -- which, by the way, you of all people should not be doing.

So do not weaken. To refuse, you should say, "Oh, I'm so sorry -- I'm flattered to be asked, but I'm under orders to rest my voice." You needn't mention that those are Miss Manners' orders.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am blessed with an 8-month-old adoptive son. He's delightful and sweet, and a very handsome little fellow, in my (perhaps biased) opinion.

When we're out together, strangers often comment to me, "How cute he is!" or "What a beautiful baby!" I never tire of hearing these comments, having waited a while for this adoption and considering him to be the light of my life.

But what is the polite way to respond to these kindnesses? "Thank you" seems a little odd, since my son is a different race than I am and it is quite obvious that I share no credit for his good looks. Silence seems inadequate, even if accompanied by the usual delighted beaming.

I've taken to addressing the baby and saying jokingly, "Now say thank you, dear!" but that doesn't feel quite right either. It doesn't seem fair to fob off my confusion on the little one, who can't yet speak for himself except for the occasional raspberry. Any guidance as to a polite response would be much appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Then you cannot escape the term "thank you." Please stop analyzing it; it is merely the conventional, polite reply when given any sort of compliment. If a guest said he liked your sofa, Miss Manners trusts that you would be able to murmur your thanks without the qualification that you did not construct it.

At any rate, you probably should get some credit for your son's charm: Adored infants tend to look adorable right back (when they are not hungry, wet or cranky). And you are certainly going to be held to account for his manners, which is why Miss Manners has no objection to your solution of prompting him to express the thanks.

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