DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I separated a few months ago, and I am now dating someone else. Recently my ex sent me a present with a note saying that he was surprised and sad that I began dating again so quickly, and that he wanted to remain friends.

Is there a required period of mourning for ex boyfriends? Please understand that he is not trying to get back together with me; we now live in different countries, and he has told me many times that he does not want a long distance relationship. He and I have been writing e-mails about once a month to keep in touch, which is how he found out that I had a new boyfriend.

Should I not have told him? How should I respond to his letter?

GENTLE READER: By thanking him for the present and chatting to him about your classes, you job, your garden, your dog -- anything but your new romance.

Your former beau is mistaken about there being a convention of observing a period of mourning for a dead romance. But Miss Manners is afraid that you are mistaken about there being no gestation period for a post-romantic friendship.

Did you really believe this was just another old pal to whom you could exalt about your new love? Did you imagine that he would take delight in hearing that he had been so easily replaced?

However mutual your decision to part, the effect of this is to trivialize the past and call into question the genuineness of your emotions at the time. It is, at best, thoughtless to tell someone to whom you recently professed love that you are doing the same with someone else. Not as damaging as doing so to someone to whom you are still pledged, which has been known to happen, but hurtful all the same.

Miss Manners presumes that you did not mean to insult the gentleman's retrospective feelings. But mere thoughtless disregard of the feelings of someone you once loved is callously wounding. The way to square that knowledge with Miss Manners' assurance that you need not actually curtail your social life is by practicing a useful but much-forgotten virtue called discretion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was eating at a cafe with a friend of mine when she took off her shoes and put her feet up on the chair at the empty table next to ours. There were not that many people in the restaurant, but I was still mortified. What, if, anything should I have said or done?

GENTLE READER: Well, you could have spread out, too, putting your coffee on the adjacent table -- even if you had to order a cup for that purpose and mistake the table on your return - and, oops, spilled it. That would have made the lady sit up in a hurry.

No, wait. Miss Manners does not actually advise hurting people, even when they seem to be asking for it. It would be better to warn her, after setting this up, that you are afraid you might spill your coffee and wouldn't want to take the risk of hurting her.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you give some advice to a professional opera singer who is frequently asked to give impromptu performances at social gatherings?

Much like the comedian constantly harangued for a joke or the doctor cornered for an opinion on a growth, I am struggling to find a graceful response to frequent well-intentioned entreaties for an aria from Boheme in the midst of an otherwise perfectly delightful occasion.

I feel like a heel to decline, but I don't care for winging it. I don't want to come off as the "diva" who refuses to sing except for a paying audience, and I don't see how I'm ever going to get people to stop asking. So, I need a few tools in my arsenal for handling these occasions gracefully.

GENTLE READER: If it is any comfort, you would also be criticized if you complied. Oh, sure, people would stand around admiringly. But however enchanting your performance, one or two would be bound to drift off in the middle, murmuring about your "showing off." The word "diva" would be used pejoratively -- which, by the way, you of all people should not be doing.

So do not weaken. To refuse, you should say, "Oh, I'm so sorry -- I'm flattered to be asked, but I'm under orders to rest my voice." You needn't mention that those are Miss Manners' orders.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am blessed with an 8-month-old adoptive son. He's delightful and sweet, and a very handsome little fellow, in my (perhaps biased) opinion.

When we're out together, strangers often comment to me, "How cute he is!" or "What a beautiful baby!" I never tire of hearing these comments, having waited a while for this adoption and considering him to be the light of my life.

But what is the polite way to respond to these kindnesses? "Thank you" seems a little odd, since my son is a different race than I am and it is quite obvious that I share no credit for his good looks. Silence seems inadequate, even if accompanied by the usual delighted beaming.

I've taken to addressing the baby and saying jokingly, "Now say thank you, dear!" but that doesn't feel quite right either. It doesn't seem fair to fob off my confusion on the little one, who can't yet speak for himself except for the occasional raspberry. Any guidance as to a polite response would be much appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Then you cannot escape the term "thank you." Please stop analyzing it; it is merely the conventional, polite reply when given any sort of compliment. If a guest said he liked your sofa, Miss Manners trusts that you would be able to murmur your thanks without the qualification that you did not construct it.

At any rate, you probably should get some credit for your son's charm: Adored infants tend to look adorable right back (when they are not hungry, wet or cranky). And you are certainly going to be held to account for his manners, which is why Miss Manners has no objection to your solution of prompting him to express the thanks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once upon a time, brides only wore white when it was their first marriage and to signify their purity. Today, brides wear white after living with a man for some period of time and even after having children.

Am I old fashioned and out of sync with the times to believe a bride should only wear white if she is a virgin? In my opinion, other women should wear something in a tasteful color other than white.

GENTLE READER: Once upon a time was not all it is cracked up to be. Did you never see anything wrong with the idea that brides should be publicly packaged and labeled according to their purity?

All right, neither did anyone else except Miss Manners for a century and a half.

Dear Queen Victoria launched the white wedding dress fad at her marriage in 1840. White had been a usual color for young girls before they were allowed to overstimulate themselves -- and others -- by wearing exciting colors and jewels and putting up their hair. When the color of the wedding dress came to be considered a declaration that its contents were new or used, Miss Manners cannot say. She only knows how relieved she is that this has ceased -- or so she thought, until you spoke up.

Goodness knows there is plenty to criticize in that prolonged display of expensive egoism and blatant greed that is the modern wedding without resorting to such vulgarity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I worked in the steel mill, one of the rules was "the load has the right of way." In other words, you stepped aside when approached by someone carrying equipment or materials to allow them passage.

This made a lot of sense, and I assumed that it was a rule of etiquette as well. However, if it is a rule of etiquette, it doesn't seem to be observed.

I was at a party with a buffet luncheon. As I left the buffet with my dish of food, I was pushed out of the way by another guest rushing to get in line. Such behavior seems to be more the norm these days, and I don't think it has anything to do with steel mill closures. Is there an etiquette rule governing these situations or is it pretty much a matter of anything goes?

GENTLE READER: Your steel mill sounds a lot more civilized than many buffet tables. They should both operate on that principle, but presumably steel mills don't have people barging in saying, "I'm going to get some of those lovely looking shrimp" while shoving an arm in your way, if not your plate.

Lining up and taking turns is such a pervasive rule of the society, from batting order to buffet tables, that Miss Manners knows that everyone is aware of the proper procedure. It is not the lack of etiquette rules that lets greed trample on decency; it is the lack of obedience to these rules.

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