DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you give some advice to a professional opera singer who is frequently asked to give impromptu performances at social gatherings?

Much like the comedian constantly harangued for a joke or the doctor cornered for an opinion on a growth, I am struggling to find a graceful response to frequent well-intentioned entreaties for an aria from Boheme in the midst of an otherwise perfectly delightful occasion.

I feel like a heel to decline, but I don't care for winging it. I don't want to come off as the "diva" who refuses to sing except for a paying audience, and I don't see how I'm ever going to get people to stop asking. So, I need a few tools in my arsenal for handling these occasions gracefully.

GENTLE READER: If it is any comfort, you would also be criticized if you complied. Oh, sure, people would stand around admiringly. But however enchanting your performance, one or two would be bound to drift off in the middle, murmuring about your "showing off." The word "diva" would be used pejoratively -- which, by the way, you of all people should not be doing.

So do not weaken. To refuse, you should say, "Oh, I'm so sorry -- I'm flattered to be asked, but I'm under orders to rest my voice." You needn't mention that those are Miss Manners' orders.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am blessed with an 8-month-old adoptive son. He's delightful and sweet, and a very handsome little fellow, in my (perhaps biased) opinion.

When we're out together, strangers often comment to me, "How cute he is!" or "What a beautiful baby!" I never tire of hearing these comments, having waited a while for this adoption and considering him to be the light of my life.

But what is the polite way to respond to these kindnesses? "Thank you" seems a little odd, since my son is a different race than I am and it is quite obvious that I share no credit for his good looks. Silence seems inadequate, even if accompanied by the usual delighted beaming.

I've taken to addressing the baby and saying jokingly, "Now say thank you, dear!" but that doesn't feel quite right either. It doesn't seem fair to fob off my confusion on the little one, who can't yet speak for himself except for the occasional raspberry. Any guidance as to a polite response would be much appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Then you cannot escape the term "thank you." Please stop analyzing it; it is merely the conventional, polite reply when given any sort of compliment. If a guest said he liked your sofa, Miss Manners trusts that you would be able to murmur your thanks without the qualification that you did not construct it.

At any rate, you probably should get some credit for your son's charm: Adored infants tend to look adorable right back (when they are not hungry, wet or cranky). And you are certainly going to be held to account for his manners, which is why Miss Manners has no objection to your solution of prompting him to express the thanks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once upon a time, brides only wore white when it was their first marriage and to signify their purity. Today, brides wear white after living with a man for some period of time and even after having children.

Am I old fashioned and out of sync with the times to believe a bride should only wear white if she is a virgin? In my opinion, other women should wear something in a tasteful color other than white.

GENTLE READER: Once upon a time was not all it is cracked up to be. Did you never see anything wrong with the idea that brides should be publicly packaged and labeled according to their purity?

All right, neither did anyone else except Miss Manners for a century and a half.

Dear Queen Victoria launched the white wedding dress fad at her marriage in 1840. White had been a usual color for young girls before they were allowed to overstimulate themselves -- and others -- by wearing exciting colors and jewels and putting up their hair. When the color of the wedding dress came to be considered a declaration that its contents were new or used, Miss Manners cannot say. She only knows how relieved she is that this has ceased -- or so she thought, until you spoke up.

Goodness knows there is plenty to criticize in that prolonged display of expensive egoism and blatant greed that is the modern wedding without resorting to such vulgarity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I worked in the steel mill, one of the rules was "the load has the right of way." In other words, you stepped aside when approached by someone carrying equipment or materials to allow them passage.

This made a lot of sense, and I assumed that it was a rule of etiquette as well. However, if it is a rule of etiquette, it doesn't seem to be observed.

I was at a party with a buffet luncheon. As I left the buffet with my dish of food, I was pushed out of the way by another guest rushing to get in line. Such behavior seems to be more the norm these days, and I don't think it has anything to do with steel mill closures. Is there an etiquette rule governing these situations or is it pretty much a matter of anything goes?

GENTLE READER: Your steel mill sounds a lot more civilized than many buffet tables. They should both operate on that principle, but presumably steel mills don't have people barging in saying, "I'm going to get some of those lovely looking shrimp" while shoving an arm in your way, if not your plate.

Lining up and taking turns is such a pervasive rule of the society, from batting order to buffet tables, that Miss Manners knows that everyone is aware of the proper procedure. It is not the lack of etiquette rules that lets greed trample on decency; it is the lack of obedience to these rules.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I have recently joined a gym. My question concerns what to do in the locker room when you encounter someone you know.

If the person is naked, do you pretend not to notice them? I have found myself uncomfortable when recognizing an acquaintance either partially dressed or nude. I am very modest and prefer to use the changing rooms, but quite a few of the ladies walk around nude.

Do I wait until they speak to me first? We live in a culturally diverse area, and I didn't know if this was common practice for other cultures, and I am being puritanical.

GENTLE READER: You don't have to travel far from your gym to find subcultures that squelch whatever modesty has survived the culture at large. Boarding schools, theatrical dressing rooms, military barracks and hospital wards, not to mention the communal dressing rooms of outlet stores, are among the places that have accustomed people to same-gender undress.

Far from attempting to dislodge your modesty, Miss Manners merely urges you to preserve it by looking the other ladies straight in the eye, just as she hopes you would if they were wearing suits, hats and gloves. You will not embarrass them, any more than if you had met them on the beach. But you should stop worrying about being "puritanical," a silly insult if there ever was one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please comment on the increasingly common practice of carrying one's own purchased coffee drink into a home at which one is a guest for a shower or other party.

Could you also comment on carrying such drinks into charity luncheons, etc.?

GENTLE READER: It is the liquid equivalent of chewing gum: fine in private, but not when out socially.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A man who I recently became happily involved with, who is wonderful in so many ways, has this awful habit of telling me explicit details about women from his past and good things they made him feel.

I am not bothered by someone I'm dating mentioning their exes. It is the way he does it -- with a tone of delight upon remembering sensual or physical or other romantic types of details about them.

I have told him that this bothers me. However, it seems to be an impulse he cannot or does not wish to control.

How can he not understand how hurtful and rude this behavior is? Also, how might I impress upon him, without sounding controlling or suspicious or insecure, that this kind of thing can damage trust in a relationship?

GENTLE READER: You can at least trust him to gossip about you.

Miss Manners notes that in your anxiety not to seem jealous (presuming that this represents that mix you describe as controlling, suspicious and insecure), you are overlooking what this says about his character. Someone who cannot control himself enough to stop bragging about his conquests to anyone, let alone to the lady whose heart he has most recently conquered -- and who has asked him to stop -- is, in a very fundamental way, decidedly not wonderful.

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