DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been acquainted with another couple, Mary and Ethan, for 20 years. While never the best of friends, we've had the sort of friendly relationship that develops among parents of same-age children who participate in school and extracurricular activities together. As our children have grown, the time we spend with this couple had dwindled, and now we see each other only occasionally when we are out in the community.

Last month, Ethan was convicted of a federal crime and will spend the next five years in prison. Yesterday, I ran into Mary while shopping. We exchanged pleasantries, she inquired about my husband and children, and I inquired about her children.

I did not inquire about Ethan, as I was unsure what to say, and did not want to put her in an awkward situation.

Later, I wondered if I had behaved correctly. Since Mary had inquired about my husband, was it rude for me not to inquire about hers? I could hardly pretend not to know that Ethan is in prison, since it was headline news in our community. But I certainly couldn't ask, "How is Ethan enjoying prison?" So I said nothing at all.

Was I correct in avoiding the subject, or should I have said something -- expressed condolences, perhaps?

GENTLE READER: You should have said something, but not too much. Like so many people, you are under the impression that tragedy is an all-or-nothing situation for outsiders -- that you should either pretend that it doesn't exist or initiate a thorough discussion of the matter, replete with opinions and suggestions.

Yes, you should have said something, but Miss Manners is afraid that even "How is Ethan?" won't quite do. If the lady does not wish to discuss the matter, she can hardly be expected to choke out "Fine, thank you."

You are better off with a statement, rather than a question. Something as simple as "Please tell Ethan we are thinking of him" will show sympathy without getting into the question of justice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is selling cosmetics through word-of-mouth contacts. She asked me to try out her product line, and I declined, explaining I was skeptical about the company's claims.

About a month later, she called again to ask for names of other friends she could contact. I told her I couldn't give her friends' names in good conscience because I didn't believe in the product myself, although I wished her well in her business venture.

Since that time, it has become clear to me she is not talking to me, beyond the obligatory terse response to a direct question. Am I taking too hard a line on this? Should I give her the names of friends, as she asks?

GENTLE READER: So she can annoy them, too? Don't you like your friends?

Why you want to placate this one, Miss Manners cannot understand. She has dropped you as a friend and has made it clear that she is only interested in you as a customer or the provider of customers.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my great nephew married a precious little blonde, they had several showers plus wedding presents from many people. The bride asked (or told) the groom to send thank you notes to his side and she would send them to her side. (Frankly, I have never heard of the bride not sending all of the thank you notes.)

The groom never sent a thank you note to anyone. There are many hurt feelings, and even after all this time, it is still being talked about. I am sure neither the bride nor her mother is aware of this.

Who do you think is at fault in this -- the groom who never was good at thank you notes, the bride for not following up to make sure it was taken care of, or the mother of the bride for not overseeing this as she did everything else? The mother of the groom cannot be faulted because she tried many times to get him to write the notes.

GENTLE READER: At first, Miss Manners thought that only extreme family loyalty could leave a question in your mind about whose fault this shocking omission was.

After all, your nephew not only failed to write the notes that were expected of him, but led his wife to believe that he had. Apparently, he still hasn't confessed.

Do you not wonder why, when the matter was first mentioned, the gentleman did not say, "I'm no good at writing letters" and offer instead to perform some task that his bride preferred to avoid?

But when Miss Manners looked at your suspects, her own suspicions arose. Is there a bit of a sniff in your declaration that you never heard of a bridegroom's writing letters?

It is, in fact, not uncommon. About two generations ago, many couples abandoned the strict allocation by gender of household tasks and started sorting them by turns or by individual preferences.

That you ignored the obvious and went so far as to suggest not just the bride but also her mother as candidates for blame is what made Miss Manners think there might be more here than the natural inclination to believe that there is no place for one's own family to marry except down.

She suspects a case of Female Fault -- the sort of reasoning that has a wife forgiving her adulterous husband and casting all blame on the nearest (to the husband) female. Indeed, generations of ladies used to be admonished that they were responsible for making the other gender behave.

If you think you might harbor such notions, Miss Manners begs you to banish them. They are neither fair nor seemly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was a guest at a small dinner party where the host offered continuous commentary about the cost of the meal. Each time someone took a handful of unusual imported almonds, he said, "You wouldn't believe what we paid for those!"

When we expressed enjoyment of the organic chicken dish, he said, "It ought to be good -- it certainly wasn't cheap!"

A close friend of the host ventured to say, "How much do you suppose you paid per nut?" Lacking that familiarity, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suggests putting down your fork or your handful of nuts and saying, "I feel unworthy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is in the midst of planning his wedding and needs your help! His bride wants to require all 175 guests to wear either khaki or white.

My friend has suggested that maybe they could just require "neutral"-color attire instead, but he still feels that it's not appropriate to require any specific colors.

We feel that only a clear direction from you, if you are in agreement, of course, that it's not a good idea to mandate colors worn by wedding guests can persuade the bride to leave this request off of the invitation.

GENTLE READER: By all means, tell the bride that Miss Manners says to calm down, take a deep breath and get a grip on herself. Her wedding guests are not extras whom she has hired to fill out a show and can therefore costume as she chooses. All she can do is to inform them of the general style of the wedding (formal or informal) and hope for the best. And do, please, reassure her, that color-coordinated guests would add nothing to her wedding except, perhaps, a humorous challenge to her authority on the part of the rebellious among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hired a tree service to remove two large trees that were very close to my house. While these workers were competent in their jobs, I was a bit taken aback when one of them asked if I had something to drink. (I recall that when I was younger and my mother had work done to our property, the workers would ask if they could take a drink of water from our outside hose, but never asked her for something to drink.)

Is this request proper? Was I supposed to have offered them something to drink in the first place?

This is not the first time this has happened. Should I have told these gentlemen to drink from the hose? What should I tell them this if it happens in the future?

GENTLE READER: It would be kinder to ensure that this does not happen in the future by offering glasses of ice water (or cold soft drinks or juice) to people who are working hard for you in the heat. But if they should ask first, you should reply graciously, "Of course," and bring it to them in whatever glasses you normally use. Miss Manners will not comment on your mother's approach, except to say that it was once common but fortunately no longer is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you do when a friend invites you to dinner and then serves a frozen dinner? How do you tell her that this is not appropriate? Or is it OK? This seems like a major lack of social etiquette if you ask me. I didn't say anything at the time. I ate the dinner and thanked her for inviting me.

GENTLE READER: And now you feel remorseful because you failed to insult her?

Presuming that your friend defrosted the meal before serving it to you, Miss Manners does not acknowledge that you have cause for complaint. It is bad enough that people treat their friends houses like restaurants -- failing to show up, arriving late, bringing extra people -- without their reviewing the meals.

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