DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a member of an Inn of Court in London (a requirement, I ?understand, for barristers practicing in the United Kingdom). His Inn is having a garden ?party in July, and all spouses are invited.

What does one wear to a garden ?party? I vaguely remember that British garden parties have specific ?expectations with regards to ladies' dresses -- the words "pastel" and "suit" ?come to mind, as does "no flat shoes" and possibly a hat.

My husband, who was raised in a part of England where garden parties never ?entered the picture, gave me the very helpful "It'll probably be a bit of a meat market."

GENTLE READER: "Possibly a hat?"

Miss Manners will not go so far as to declare that hats are the whole point of a garden party. Flowers are nice, too, and so are strawberries and tiny sandwiches. But hats are certainly one of the garden party's chief glories.

The idea is to look like the garden, although not in the way that is effortlessly achieved if you do the actual gardening. Rather it means large hats laden with flowers, bows and such above dresses or dressmaker suits in pastel colors or floral prints.

Dramatic hats have a practical function as well. They distract attention from looking down, where a sensible lady wears sensible shoes, knowing that more fetching high-heeled ones will betray her by immediately sinking into the turf and pinning her there, far from the strawberries.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is an invitation not an invitation? If our friends say drop by our beach house anytime, do we take that as an invitation and just go? Or if someone says let's go to the movies sometime, is that considered an invitation?

GENTLE READER: These are what we might call pre-invitations. Miss Manners would not advise banging on the beach house door some evening, screaming "Come out for a midnight swim!" or complaining, "I waited at the movie theater and you never showed up." But you have been invited to prompt an invitation ("We were thinking that next weekend might be a good time for the beach -- are you free then?") or to suggest one ("Would you be interested in going to a movie this Friday?").

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a multinational company. I frequently contact strangers who work for branches of our company in other countries via e-mail, seeking information for various projects. Since we haven't been formally introduced, should I use Mr./Ms., or should I use their first names, as is the custom in my office and other branches I have visited?

GENTLE READER: Don't you think that strangers in foreign countries have enough troubles with calls that confuse the time zones, without making them struggle to recall who is being so familiar with them?

Miss Manners has often wondered why it is so hard to understand that people who want you to call them by their first names will say so, while people who hate this coming from strangers are unfortunately reluctant to say so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My question is what is the proper way to inform someone they have a spider in their hair?

At an open house at my place of business to celebrate our 20th anniversary, one of our clients had a spider in her hair. This client is an older woman, who is not in the best of health. No one was sure how to broach the subject, since we didn't want to overtly startle her or embarrass her. What should we have done?

GENTLE READER: So what did you do? Stare into her hair, waiting to see if the spider would spin her a hairnet?

Oh, yes, you did. Miss Manners admires your fortitude in not screaming "Eeeek!" or plunging your hands into the lady's hair unannounced. But leaving her with a resident spider was not a happy solution.

What you should have done was to say quietly, "I think I see something that has fallen into your hair. May I get it out for you, or would you prefer to go and take care of it?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in south Florida and lately have had uninvited guests who announce their arrival just days before a prolonged stay. My husband is not retired, and I work out of the home, and these "guests," although they say not to go out of our way, really do expect us to do some amount of entertaining.

They offer no help with any household chores, nor do they offer to buy us dinner or pay for a movie or any other assistance. Since they don't rent a car, we must pick them up at the airport and drive anyplace we go. After five weeks of this kind of visitor, I confess that I am burned out and want the privacy of my own home back.

My husband doesn't seem to mind so much, but that is because he works long hours and is not around them like I am.

If they could reciprocate the hospitality, it might be different, but they either cannot or choose not to invite us to spend an equal amount of time at their home up north.

Please, you always seem to have the correct words to handle this type of situation. What can we say to these people to discourage them the next time they call announcing their arrival?

GENTLE READER: "Why, what a coincidence! We were just leaving to go and visit you."

Miss Manners promises you that would stop them dead. But if you don't want to go that far, there are a number of other things you could say at any stage of this takeover: "I'm so sorry, we won't be able to have you here now" or "Why don't you rent a car at the airport, because I'm afraid I won't be able to pick you up, and that way, you'll be able to get around town during your visit" or "Sorry, I'm exhausted and I haven't done a thing about dinner tonight."

However, if you have misled Miss Manners, she may be misdirecting you. Are these people, by any chance, your husband's family? In that case, it is he to whom you should be setting limits.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having immigrated here 30-plus years ago, I understand that life in a new country is intimidating. We go through culture shock and try to hang on to our customs, because they're familiar.

Yet I am appalled at the manners of many immigrants. Of recent years no one has been forced to come to this country. So, we can only assume that those who are here have come because the U.S.A. offers a better life.

Yes, there are some Americans who are unpleasant, but I have found the vast majority to be wonderful. Initially, I was critical, but it's a passing phase, based in insecurity. This country has been better to me than the land of my birth ever was. It is my home. There comes a point where we have to decide to either embrace this country or depart for another destination.

Do not continue to "use" the benefits provided by life here while insulting those who provide you with that opportunity. I think that what initially appeared to be a handicap (the fact that I knew no one from my original country) turned out to be a blessing, as it forced me to integrate. God bless America.

GENTLE READER: Yes, indeed. And one of our blessings is the ability to grouse without its putting one's basic loyalties into question.

It seems to Miss Manners that you are in an excellent position to say that you, too, felt critical at first, but have come to appreciate the very benefits that probably prompted you -- and them -- to immigrate. An American tradition that ought to be practiced more often by everyone is that of helping smooth the way for newcomers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 30-year-old daughter, who has been with her husband for seven years and married for two, came over with her husband for lunch last Saturday and announced with a big smile that she had some good news -- she was pregnant.

I, of course, squealed with excitement. This would be my first, long-awaited, dearly desired grandchild.

The next remark, delivered deadpan, was my husband's: "Are you going to keep it?"

I was shocked and my daughter looked offended, so I tried to act if my husband was just joking outrageously and admonished him playfully. Later, when I asked in private why he had made that remark, he said he was just joking. But he has said before in public that he is not ready to be a grandfather, so I believe his mixed feeling about the event produced this negative response.

Should he apologize to my daughter and her husband for spoiling the most exciting news my daughter has ever delivered by implying that she might be considering destroying her baby?

GENTLE READER: Of course -- but saying that he is sorry he said it is not enough to do the job. Especially if your daughter is aware of his idiotic feeling that the child will block his delusion of youth, she will think him sorry only that he blurted out his feelings.

So part one of the apology will have to stick with the story that he was joking, along with an admission of shame about what poor taste it was. Part two will be to bolster the joke excuse by declaring heartily that he was sure everyone would realize that it was the exact opposite of his true feelings.

Lame, Miss Manners admits. But if he then smothers everyone with congratulations and enthusiasm, it will do.

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