DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in the box office of a small theater and have two Politeness Problems new with the advent of the cell phone.

Before the cell phone, people would either get directions before they got in their car and arrive on time, or they wouldn't, they'd get lost and show up just before intermission. Now, at about 7:40 p.m., when I've got six people in line, the phone starts ringing with people wanting directions from someplace where God lost his shoes.

And they want those directions one block at a time. "OK, I'm at the corner of Atticus and Finch. Turning left. Should I have turned left? Now I'm at MacArthur and Park. I can see St. Joe's Hospital -- am I going the right way?" There are almost always muffled howls of laughter from the back seat.

My response: "Ma'am, I'll be happy to help you when I've finished serving the patrons in line. Can you hold or call me back?" They usually say, "No, really, how many blocks am I from the theater if I'm right by the park with that weird fountain?"

I don't know what to say to that. It seems rude, but all I can do is chirp, "Please hold" and then abandon them. Not good. (I do make sure people get directions when they call for reservations and am trying to get some volunteer help, but I am not optimistic.)

I face another dilemma when patrons, talking on their phones, come to the box office window to pick up tickets. They don't give me a name, and then they fumble around making arcane gestures to demonstrate that they want two adult tickets, and a subscriber exchange and oh, someone in the cast was supposed to leave a comp for them.

It's rude, but it's also frustrating because these transactions take twice as long as they should and delay the other people waiting in line. I try smiling blankly, as if politely waiting for their attention. Sometimes this works, sometimes they look testy and just stand there to finish the conversation. Would it be polite to post a sign saying something like, "As a courtesy to our patrons, we will not interrupt your phone conversation with ticket transactions." And would they get it? Is there another solution?

GENTLE READER: You, too, can use arcane gestures and modern telephones.

The sign meets Miss Manners' standard of politeness, so put it up and gesture toward it when necessary. The person on the telephone may be too distracted to get it, but the person next in line will get it and move toward you when you beckon.

Next, stop answering your own telephone promptly at 7:40, and set it to a recorded message giving directions to the theater. See? Telephone technology can be your friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The day before my birthday, I received flowers delivered to my office, with a card that read "Happy Birthday! Have a great day! John."

I have two gentleman friends named John, so I called the florist to inquire if "John" had provided a last name. The florist was unable to provide any additional information.

Since neither gentlemen has inquired if I received flowers, I am still unsure whom to thank!

GENTLE READER: Thank them both. You may not find out which one sent the flowers, but you will have two bouquets on your next birthday.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine has been dating a man for 10 years. Their relationship has had its up and downs over the years. He considers himself a real man's man and has always been keen on marrying her.

After so many years, she finally agreed. He, however, insists that they live together for a year first, and if things are fine between them he will then buy a ring. He has, on two separate occasions, told her he would move in with her. He changed his mind both times without a plausible explanation.

My friend owns her place, owns her car, has great credit and is pretty much financially secure. He is the total opposite. He is still renting after 20 years of working, does not have a car or hold a license and has major credit problems.

She still loves him. After the past couple of setbacks with making arrangements for living together falling by the wayside, she now prefers marriage. She still wants to marry him.

However, at this point, she wants to get engaged first before living with him. He wants to live together before getting married because he said it would be more economical for him. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That she will move in with him, but that you need not worry about getting them a wedding present. The gentleman may not be decisive, but he is apparently persuasive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a condo, and our guest room also serves as my office. I invited friends to stay with us for a time that would have originally been three nights.

After setting the dates, they asked to extend to five nights for the purpose of getting a cheaper plane ticket. (They're not poor!) I reluctantly agreed. That was my first mistake, but to say "no" would have seemed insensitive to their potential economic savings.

The day before they were scheduled to leave, when I was already climbing the wall from being displaced and also constant entertaining and sight-seeing, they asked to stay way into that last day, as they had a late flight. I made up a lie that we had to be somewhere late that morning to get them out of the house and gave them some alternatives where they could spend the day.

I think I got caught in my lie. In the future, how should I handle a situation where I commit to a stay (three nights is long enough in our situation) and then the guests want to extend and then extend again?

GENTLE READER: But why lie, when you have such a good excuse? Why didn't you reply to the first request, "I'm so sorry -- that's my office, and I need to get back to work?"

Miss Manners does not profess the sort of crude and callous morality that considers it a sin to say "I had a lovely time" if she didn't. But false excuses are foolhardy, as you have discovered. And even if you hadn't had a good excuse, none would have been necessary. All you need to have said was, "Oh, I'm so sorry. It was lovely having you here, but alas, three days was all I could schedule with you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a U.S. government employee, I often take official delegations to foreign countries. While in these countries, my group sometimes hosts receptions where we pay for the food and drink and the meeting place.

I recently encountered a situation where the U.S. embassy in Country X attempted to dictate the dress for the reception as well as its duration. This was not a country with which I am unfamiliar, as we have hosted the same type of reception there for many years.

The embassy eventually dropped its attempts to control our reception, but I feel compelled to ask your counsel: Can the embassy do this? The invitees at the reception were a combination of local business people and government officials. I should also add that I told the embassy that they could invite some people if it would be to their advantage to do so.

Do the normal rules apply here, or are they suspended when we work overseas and with the government?

GENTLE READER: Dicate dress? Are we talking about a ban on flip-flops and T-shirts with anti-American slogans? Or a requirement that the ladies cover all but their eyes?

Probably neither, but Miss Manners knows better than to take a position on dress codes until she knows what they are and when they apply. She has received too many letters on the subject from teenagers who are indignant about the injury to their civil rights when they are not permitted to attend school displaying the body parts of which they are most proud.

Certainly a United States embassy can insist that people entering it not be dressed in such a way as to undermine the dignity of the venue. For that matter, so can any American restaurant or boardwalk souvenir shop that puts up a sign saying "No shirt, no shoes, no service."

But, of course, what specifically meets the criteria and what does not is subject to wide interpretation and, we hope, peaceful and polite negotiation. That you were able to have the code removed suggests that you took this option successfully.

The particular code you were originally given may well have been unreasonable. The mere existence of a dress code is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are both in our early 20s, eagerly awaiting our wedding date. We have made a decision to wait until our wedding night before "going all the way."

We both come from moral families that uphold traditional views on sex and marriage. Knowing my future in-laws' views on such matters, should they have the right to question our intentions or the physical part of our relationship? Is it really any of their business?

GENTLE READER: No, but they will anyway. Miss Manners recommends blushing, looking down and mumbling, "I'm sorry, but I was brought up never to mention such things." Tears and running from the room would help.

Your fiance will have a harder time, since they brought him up, but he can plead that discussing that would be a violation of the old-fashioned modesty that he treasures in you.

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