DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a slightly touchy subject, but are there any circumstances under which it is appropriate to inquire as to a person's sexual orientation?

I have a friend who does this on occasion (with people she knows who are generally close friends, not strangers), and I can't help but raise at least one eyebrow at it.

Presumably there is some convention as to what questions are appropriate socially -- after all, one can generally get away with inquiry as to someone's marital status -- but it is still considered an impertinence to query someone's sexuality, is it not? Not because of any implied insult (there is none, in my book), but because of the intrusion on privacy.

On the other hand, if close friends can inquire about one's dates and prospective crushes, then why shouldn't this be fair game?

My friend didn't offend me, and most people seem to take it well, but is she being rude? Guidelines would be greatly appreciated!

GENTLE READER: You are mistaken in your assumption that friends, even close friends, are always pleased to be quizzed about their love lives:

"So -- are you seeing anyone?"

"Well, what happened on your date?"

"When are you going to dump him?"

"When are you going to realize that she's no good for you?"

Miss Manners hears differently. People who might have been glad to disclose such information to friends nevertheless resent being probed for it.

As you acknowledge, even queries about such public information as marital status are only "generally" acceptable. Those who may bristle at being asked if they are married include the unattached, the attached-but-not-yet-at-that-stage and the attached-but-never-planning-to-be-at-that-stage.

That is a lot of people. And Miss Manners forgot to add those who are pregnant. If they are married, they are insulted at the suggestion that they are not; if they are not, they are insulted at the suggestion that they should be.

And yet your friend thinks it is all right to inquire about others' sexual orientation.

But here is the guideline you requested: You may ask if you have a legitimate reason for wanting to know, and no, curiosity doesn't count. Falling in love, wanting to fix someone up, or recruiting for an organization where this is relevant could be sufficient reasons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As retirees, my lady friend and I eat out often. Frequently, we are faced with large portions of unfinished dinner. While others ask for a "doggie bag" to take home these leftovers, we have, to the smiling face of our waitress, waiter, or even maitre d', asked for a container for our "encore dinners."

I suggest replacing one request with the other. It seems to please the staff and is more honest (after all, pets are not allowed in our condo). When others dine with us, this always ends the session with smiles.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners concurs. It is not that she thinks anyone takes the "doggie bag" euphemism for the literal truth; it is that it we are all tired of it and in need of a smile.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my friend and I parted company after a long, pleasant lunch, she commented that we should not wait so long before our next get together.

In years past, we and our spouses and several other couples were a close group of friends that socialized together frequently. I became single and, over time, with no provocation other than my being single, my inclusion in group activities diminished to become the occasional lunch, dinner or holiday party. The couples, however, still socialize together, and some of my lunch friends volunteer descriptions of their activities when we are "catching up."

As we were all close for years and we still know the same people, I want to assume that they are trying to keep me feeling involved, but it always reminds me of how much has changed and leaves me with sad emotions. Is there something I can say to head off these reports without making them uncomfortable, too?

GENTLE READER: You're not the only one this makes sad. Miss Manners finds it sadly discouraging to know that in the 21st century, there are still people who believe that it is improper for a lady to venture out socially, especially in the evening, without a gentleman to escort her.

Furthermore, your friends seem to believe that you concur. The only instances in which it is not unspeakably rude to mention a social event to the uninvited is when the event is one that this person would plainly have been excluded by his or her own choice -- the neighborhood softball game to a nonplayer, for example.

It is time to disabuse your circle of this peculiar notion. You cannot, of course, scold them for not inviting you. But every time such an event is mentioned, you could say wistfully, "I really miss those occasions. I hope you don't think I would enjoy them any less now that I'm single."

You should also be initiating such events, as you surely took some turns doing as a couple. It would be even sadder if you felt devalued as a friend to the point of having to wait for such signs of interest from them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 8-year-old daughter, Emma, has a good friend, Stephie, in school. The girls get together on occasion outside of school for play.

However, every time Stephie's mom calls to extend the invitation for my daughter to go to Stephie's house, it's always noted that Stephie's mom is running errands and her "husband is babysitting and would love it if Emma could come over to help keep Stephie company while he is watching the kids...."

I always feel that Emma is only invited to provide distraction or cheap babysitting services.

The girls are great friends and enjoy their play time together. I want to foster that. However, I feel like we are being used. I am hoping that Miss Manners can help me with some appropriate response to Stephie's mom the next time that she calls for "services" from my daughter.

GENTLE READER: Please do not teach your daughter to take awkwardness for insult.

The girls are friends and enjoy their time together; they are not being left unsupervised, and an 8-year-old cannot be considered to be a babysitter. Miss Manners would have thought it would be Stephie's father who would be miffed at the gratuitous implication that he is incompetent to amuse his own daughter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who has never used words such as "please," "thank you," etc.

She ?will not ask if I can help her with rides, etc. (she does not have a car). ?She just comments to others that she will get a ride with me. She offered one time to help pay with gas money and never paid up.

I feel like I am being used and taken ?advantage of. I am not the only one, as my sister is also on the receiving ?end of this treatment.

When we pick her up for events (which is ?approximately three times a week), she does not greet us and more often than ?not gives us the silent treatment for the duration of the ride. She is also ?notorious for putting us on the spot and calling me on the spur of the ?moment to take her to do errands. I usually end up turning her down simply because 1) I have already done my errands for the week, 2) I do not have ?extra gas money or gas to make extra trips across town and 3) I have other ?plans.

As for money, she says she doesn't have the extra money (which I know for ?hard-fact is not true). She gets reduced rent from the government, food ?stamps, help paying utilities and a Social Security check every month. Her husband has a good, steady job and income. And I have been shopping with her and she can always afford to buy movies and DVDs and eat out at expensive places.

I?can't help it that she doesn't budget her money. But the money isn't even an issue with me -- if she would just use some simple, basic manners. I ?honestly don't mind helping her -- she is younger and recently been making serious efforts to clean up her life, but I am at my wits' end. I would like to believe that she is not doing this on purpose, but enough is enough.

GENTLE READER: Let us see if Miss Manners understands this situation correctly:

Your friend does not use the most basic of common courtesies toward you. She orders you around. She does not consider the possibility that she may be inconveniencing you. She expects favors that you have not volunteered. She makes no attempt to compensate you or to reciprocate. She maintains silence rather than make conversation with you.

And we won't even go into the matter of her taking government assistance that is intended for the poor, such as food stamps, when the family has a good income.

Would you mind explaining to Miss Manners why you consider this a friendship?

She is sorry to disappoint you, but manners cannot be encouraged or taught unless the underlying premise exists that the feelings of other people matter. She would have thought this a requirement for friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have recently heard that it is the responsibility of the groom's parents to pay for the honeymoon. Is this correct?

GENTLE READER: No, that is a traditional responsibility of the bridegroom's. If he is unable to meet it, he has failed the bride's father's traditional test of eligibility to be married.

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