DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who has never used words such as "please," "thank you," etc.

She ?will not ask if I can help her with rides, etc. (she does not have a car). ?She just comments to others that she will get a ride with me. She offered one time to help pay with gas money and never paid up.

I feel like I am being used and taken ?advantage of. I am not the only one, as my sister is also on the receiving ?end of this treatment.

When we pick her up for events (which is ?approximately three times a week), she does not greet us and more often than ?not gives us the silent treatment for the duration of the ride. She is also ?notorious for putting us on the spot and calling me on the spur of the ?moment to take her to do errands. I usually end up turning her down simply because 1) I have already done my errands for the week, 2) I do not have ?extra gas money or gas to make extra trips across town and 3) I have other ?plans.

As for money, she says she doesn't have the extra money (which I know for ?hard-fact is not true). She gets reduced rent from the government, food ?stamps, help paying utilities and a Social Security check every month. Her husband has a good, steady job and income. And I have been shopping with her and she can always afford to buy movies and DVDs and eat out at expensive places.

I?can't help it that she doesn't budget her money. But the money isn't even an issue with me -- if she would just use some simple, basic manners. I ?honestly don't mind helping her -- she is younger and recently been making serious efforts to clean up her life, but I am at my wits' end. I would like to believe that she is not doing this on purpose, but enough is enough.

GENTLE READER: Let us see if Miss Manners understands this situation correctly:

Your friend does not use the most basic of common courtesies toward you. She orders you around. She does not consider the possibility that she may be inconveniencing you. She expects favors that you have not volunteered. She makes no attempt to compensate you or to reciprocate. She maintains silence rather than make conversation with you.

And we won't even go into the matter of her taking government assistance that is intended for the poor, such as food stamps, when the family has a good income.

Would you mind explaining to Miss Manners why you consider this a friendship?

She is sorry to disappoint you, but manners cannot be encouraged or taught unless the underlying premise exists that the feelings of other people matter. She would have thought this a requirement for friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have recently heard that it is the responsibility of the groom's parents to pay for the honeymoon. Is this correct?

GENTLE READER: No, that is a traditional responsibility of the bridegroom's. If he is unable to meet it, he has failed the bride's father's traditional test of eligibility to be married.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?My long-term boyfriend and I have recently hit a bit of a rough patch. ?Nothing very dramatic has occurred, but we're both very busy at the moment and ?living in separate cities, so I asked him for a bit of a "break."

?The idea behind it being that we wouldn't see each other for a month or two, ?but we would stay in contact and after some time apart, and potentially ?going on a few dates, we could decide whether or not we want to be together in the long run. ?

I was hoping you could help me in figuring out how to talk about our ?situation with friends, both close and casual. When people ask me how my boyfriend is, which they usually do as we've been together for four years and usually socialize as a couple, I'm not sure how to react.

If I tell them ?that we are on a little break they always seem to express rather over-the-top remorse, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. If I go on to tell them ?that I hope it will only be temporary, they often go on to be a little ?patronizing and offer a shoulder to cry on if it doesn't work out.

I don't mind this so much with close friends, as I'm willing to have a long chat ?about it with them about the whole situation, but I'm not really sure how to act with people I do not know that well.

I can't imagine in all seriousness that they are genuinely very upset that my relationship isn't going very well at ?the moment, or that I would call on them in my time need. ?Should I simply tell them that everything is fine?

GENTLE READER: Why can't you just give them a straight answer to a simple question?

According to your report, people are not asking how "everything" is, however much that is on your mind. They are asking how the gentleman is, which is a conventionally polite question, and the conventional answer is "He's fine."

However, it has occurred to Miss Manners that you may want it generally known that you are "on break," so that people might not be shocked when they see you out with someone else, or so that they might not miss the chance to introduce you to someone else.

If such is the case, you need only add, "I don't see him quite as much as I used to, but I'll tell him you asked about him."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I have just been through the difficult and draining experience of caring for my father through his terminal illness and grieving his loss. While so many have brought comfort and care to us, this milestone has been made more difficult on occasion by allegedly well-meaning people and their almost unbelievably insensitive comments.

For example, to my unmarried sister, "I guess you'll have to find someone else to walk you down the aisle, dear" or to my mother after church, "I'll bet the hardest part is waking up in the morning alone."

What does one say to such people? Is there a polite way to let them know how inappropriate and painful their remarks are to us?

GENTLE READER: Yes: "I'm sure you meant to be kind."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a physics student and aspiring physicist, and when I answer people's questions about my career plans, I often find myself confronted with a conversation-stopping "You must be so smart!" Despite feeling a little marginalized by this common comment, I realize it is usually intended to be flattering. However, agreeing with this declaration makes me sound arrogant, and disagreeing seems unnecessarily self-effacing. Can you offer any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: "No, if I were really smart, I'd find a way to get on the football team."

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