DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?My long-term boyfriend and I have recently hit a bit of a rough patch. ?Nothing very dramatic has occurred, but we're both very busy at the moment and ?living in separate cities, so I asked him for a bit of a "break."

?The idea behind it being that we wouldn't see each other for a month or two, ?but we would stay in contact and after some time apart, and potentially ?going on a few dates, we could decide whether or not we want to be together in the long run. ?

I was hoping you could help me in figuring out how to talk about our ?situation with friends, both close and casual. When people ask me how my boyfriend is, which they usually do as we've been together for four years and usually socialize as a couple, I'm not sure how to react.

If I tell them ?that we are on a little break they always seem to express rather over-the-top remorse, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. If I go on to tell them ?that I hope it will only be temporary, they often go on to be a little ?patronizing and offer a shoulder to cry on if it doesn't work out.

I don't mind this so much with close friends, as I'm willing to have a long chat ?about it with them about the whole situation, but I'm not really sure how to act with people I do not know that well.

I can't imagine in all seriousness that they are genuinely very upset that my relationship isn't going very well at ?the moment, or that I would call on them in my time need. ?Should I simply tell them that everything is fine?

GENTLE READER: Why can't you just give them a straight answer to a simple question?

According to your report, people are not asking how "everything" is, however much that is on your mind. They are asking how the gentleman is, which is a conventionally polite question, and the conventional answer is "He's fine."

However, it has occurred to Miss Manners that you may want it generally known that you are "on break," so that people might not be shocked when they see you out with someone else, or so that they might not miss the chance to introduce you to someone else.

If such is the case, you need only add, "I don't see him quite as much as I used to, but I'll tell him you asked about him."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I have just been through the difficult and draining experience of caring for my father through his terminal illness and grieving his loss. While so many have brought comfort and care to us, this milestone has been made more difficult on occasion by allegedly well-meaning people and their almost unbelievably insensitive comments.

For example, to my unmarried sister, "I guess you'll have to find someone else to walk you down the aisle, dear" or to my mother after church, "I'll bet the hardest part is waking up in the morning alone."

What does one say to such people? Is there a polite way to let them know how inappropriate and painful their remarks are to us?

GENTLE READER: Yes: "I'm sure you meant to be kind."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a physics student and aspiring physicist, and when I answer people's questions about my career plans, I often find myself confronted with a conversation-stopping "You must be so smart!" Despite feeling a little marginalized by this common comment, I realize it is usually intended to be flattering. However, agreeing with this declaration makes me sound arrogant, and disagreeing seems unnecessarily self-effacing. Can you offer any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: "No, if I were really smart, I'd find a way to get on the football team."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to tell somebody whom you are calling, or when you are answering the telephone, and they ask you, "What are you doing?"

I feel what I'm doing is really not the caller's business. And when I call somebody, obviously I'm not doing anything but calling the recipient, and "I'm calling you," would be the likely response to that same inquiry.

When someone calls me and asks that, really it's quite an invasion of my personal life, and I don't understand why people don't say, "Hi, how are you?" anymore. With the rampant use of cellular phones, everybody has to know where everybody is all the time and what they're missing out on, I guess.

I especially feel deflated when they ask me what I am doing and I tell them I'm reading the paper or getting ready for church or whatever, they say Oh, uh-huh -- as if what I'm doing really isn't all that interesting or exciting anyway. What is the best way to handle this question of "What are you doing" without sounding snippy?

GENTLE READER: When the questioner has called you: "Hoping you would call." When you have initiated the call: "Thinking about you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my first appointment with a new dentist, I informed him that my regular dentist of 25-plus years had a serious illness and that I had not had a dental exam for several years, hoping that my former dentist would recover and return to his practice.

After examining my mouth, the new dentist (who is by no means new to practice) launched into an obviously well-practiced discussion of dental health, etc. At the end of the lecture and my polite but measured responses, he asked me, "Would you like to keep your teeth for your whole life?"

Considering that I was there for professional services, the question and the way it was asked was condescending and made me feel like I was a child or weak of mind. I told him that I thought the answer to that rhetorical question was obvious.

This man has a very good reputation as a dentist, and all I really want is good care. I also like his hygienist very much and have been very satisfied with both her professionalism and her knowledge.

I have another appointment coming up. How do you suggest that I inform him that his chair-side manner needs improvement? At least, he ought to have the courtesy to address his patients -- particularly patients who are somewhat his senior -- with respect and dignity.

GENTLE READER: By definition, rhetorical questions do not require answers. Dentists get into the habit of asking rhetorical questions because the patients on whom they are working rarely say more than "Ooomph."

Being patronizing is rude, Miss Manners agrees, but she would need more evidence to support that charge here. In contrast, she is clear that lecturing him on his chair-side manners would be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm old school about men wearing hats indoors. While I keep my mouth shut when I'm in someone else's home, I have a hard time doing the same in my own home. If a male guest arrives in my house wearing a hat, am I rude in stating, "I'm sorry Joe, but we don't wear hats in this house"?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is sure that if you believe in old-fashioned courtesy, you will not want to chastise your guests. The phrase you want is, "May I take your hat, Joe?"

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