DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to tell somebody whom you are calling, or when you are answering the telephone, and they ask you, "What are you doing?"

I feel what I'm doing is really not the caller's business. And when I call somebody, obviously I'm not doing anything but calling the recipient, and "I'm calling you," would be the likely response to that same inquiry.

When someone calls me and asks that, really it's quite an invasion of my personal life, and I don't understand why people don't say, "Hi, how are you?" anymore. With the rampant use of cellular phones, everybody has to know where everybody is all the time and what they're missing out on, I guess.

I especially feel deflated when they ask me what I am doing and I tell them I'm reading the paper or getting ready for church or whatever, they say Oh, uh-huh -- as if what I'm doing really isn't all that interesting or exciting anyway. What is the best way to handle this question of "What are you doing" without sounding snippy?

GENTLE READER: When the questioner has called you: "Hoping you would call." When you have initiated the call: "Thinking about you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my first appointment with a new dentist, I informed him that my regular dentist of 25-plus years had a serious illness and that I had not had a dental exam for several years, hoping that my former dentist would recover and return to his practice.

After examining my mouth, the new dentist (who is by no means new to practice) launched into an obviously well-practiced discussion of dental health, etc. At the end of the lecture and my polite but measured responses, he asked me, "Would you like to keep your teeth for your whole life?"

Considering that I was there for professional services, the question and the way it was asked was condescending and made me feel like I was a child or weak of mind. I told him that I thought the answer to that rhetorical question was obvious.

This man has a very good reputation as a dentist, and all I really want is good care. I also like his hygienist very much and have been very satisfied with both her professionalism and her knowledge.

I have another appointment coming up. How do you suggest that I inform him that his chair-side manner needs improvement? At least, he ought to have the courtesy to address his patients -- particularly patients who are somewhat his senior -- with respect and dignity.

GENTLE READER: By definition, rhetorical questions do not require answers. Dentists get into the habit of asking rhetorical questions because the patients on whom they are working rarely say more than "Ooomph."

Being patronizing is rude, Miss Manners agrees, but she would need more evidence to support that charge here. In contrast, she is clear that lecturing him on his chair-side manners would be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm old school about men wearing hats indoors. While I keep my mouth shut when I'm in someone else's home, I have a hard time doing the same in my own home. If a male guest arrives in my house wearing a hat, am I rude in stating, "I'm sorry Joe, but we don't wear hats in this house"?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is sure that if you believe in old-fashioned courtesy, you will not want to chastise your guests. The phrase you want is, "May I take your hat, Joe?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single female. I am friends with a married male whose wife thinks that, fundamentally, this friendship should not exist. She says that if I were married, she would think differently. He and I work together and have become dear friends over the last year.

Is his wife right? Should we NOT be friends just because I am single and he is married?

GENTLE READER: Of course Miss Manners believes in innocent friendships between the married and the unmarried. Unfortunately, she cannot tell you which ones they are.

But her opinion hardly matters here; nor, for that matter, does yours. The issue is whether your friend can convince his wife that he is trustworthy enough to be allowed the usual adult privilege of choosing his friends for himself. You should not be friends with someone who embroils you in his marital discord or puts you in the undignified position of hiding the friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to give someone digital photos on a CD/DVD, in lieu of printed copies? I often take photos at my children's school or social events. Since many of these photos also include children other than my own, I try to share them with the parents of these children.

Before I had my digital camera, this was done by offering them printed copies. Now that I have gone digital, the images will sit in my PC for weeks, even months, before they are professionally printed.

Rather than wait to give them the images on paper, I often burn them to a CD and offer that to the interested parties. My reasoning is that they can get the images nearly immediately that way, print as many copies as they wish at whatever size they wish, and still have a version reserved for future use (and yes, all of these families have a home computer, so access is not an issue).

My husband says that this might appear to be skinflint behavior, given that the price of a CD is a fraction of the cost of a single photo print. I say it is practical for all involved.

Incidentally, when a friend returns the favor -- offering images in which I might be interested -- I have no problem with paper or digital versions. The effort is what matters to me.

GENTLE READER: Don't you want them framed? And didn't you want video instead? And are you quite satisfied with the quality of the pictures your friends give you? Wouldn't they have hired professional photographers if they weren't such cheapskates?

Just as it is unbecoming to question the value of an offering, sniffing that it was done more inexpensively than it could have been, it is unbecoming to assume that the recipients will do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 8 years old. This morning I went to breakfast with my grandpa. For my beverage, I ordered a hot tea. After using the small plastic container to add honey to my hot tea, I dipped it in my tea to get all the honey out. Is this permissible? My grandpa says he thought Miss Manners would frown on this.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is afraid that he is right. Well, no, she wouldn't frown; she would sympathize with you, but she would agree with your grandfather. Thank him for the lesson, and then ask him to get the waiter to bring you another helping of honey.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you can assist me in determining the appropriate means and milieu to announce an engagement.

As of yesterday, I became "officially" engaged to my long term, live-in boyfriend. I use the term "officially" since I actually received the ring I had picked out approximately 18 months ago and we have been living together for nearly two years. A number of circumstances (including a sibling who was diagnosed and subsequently passed away from an extended illness) delayed the time between our decision to wed and the presentation of the ring.

In response to my family's numerous questions about when we would marry during that time, I responded that we had already decided to do so and were not in any hurry (which is true). However, I have been referring to him as my "fiance" since that time.

Now that I've received the ring, I am joyful. I want to share my joy with others (including former co-workers whom I consider close acquaintances and with whom I wish to share this good news, since they supported me during difficult times), but I am uncomfortable for two reasons:

??1) Since I have been referring to him as my fiance for so long, I assume that these folks might rightly wonder what the big deal is about the ring.

2) I fear that providing this information is the equivalent of soliciting congratulations. I am not comfortable being the object of attention, nor do I wish for others who are not very close friends to think that I am merely telling them as a means of bragging or of soliciting gifts. (We are not planning any sort of engagement party.)

Although a date is not set, we plan to have a small intimate wedding with only very close friends and family -- these colleagues would not be invited. With all this in mind, is it appropriate to mention my engagement or to send an informal e-mail with a photograph of us together?

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners would like to help you prolong the excitement by declaring 47 stages of engagement, she is afraid that your forebodings are accurate. There are only so many times you can expect a burst of enthusiasm by announcing the same engagement.

Whatever terminology you and your fiance enjoy using is fine between you, but you actually became engaged whenever you agreed to marry. You then went public with it and, Miss Manners trusts, received everyone's good wishes. You may now go around confiding to friends that you received an engagement ring, which is, indeed, tantamount to asking for admiration, but is generally indulged.

But one is allowed only so many "Guess what!" moments.

Once you let go of the idea of "official" occasions, you will be able to revert to your normal polite consideration of who would like to know what, and to put it in a normally friendly form.

That you now have an engagement ring will be of interest only to those who are close to you, or those whose engagement rings you have admired. Relatives should be receptive to pictures of you and your fiance, as should any good friends who have not met him. As long as you think of all this as part of the normal give and take of minor news that friends and family trade, rather than as An Announcement, you should be able to spread the word without undue self-aggrandizement.

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