DEAR MISS MANNERS: A brother whom I love is planning his wedding in a religious ceremony I disagree with. Is there a way to honor him and his bride while in no way implying I endorse the religious ceremony?

I seem to remember reading in the past about standing when they proceed up and down the aisle but sitting through everything else. (Although I also heartily disapprove of the father "giving" his daughter away so would choke on the walk up the aisle.) Or I've thought of skipping the wedding ceremony and attending the reception.

Sometimes I remind myself that this is their day and it may not matter to anyone else what I choose to do. However, over the last couple years, I've been making tremendous progress in thinking about what I believe in and acting on it. I do not want to make a scene but I do want to be true to myself.

GENTLE READER: Then you should not attend if you don't approve of the bridesmaids' dresses. And stay away from the reception if you haven't been given approval rights over the flavor of the wedding cake.

Where did you get the vainglorious idea that your presence at your brother's wedding would constitute putting your seal of approval on any theological or social ritual involved? You are not there as a judge, but as a witness. Anything you do to show disapproval, including boycotting the ceremony, will only symbolize disapproval of your brother or of his bride.

Miss Manners has learned to be wary of those who declare too roundly that they are true to themselves. Too often it turns out to be at the expense of decencies toward others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I often attend springtime home and garden tours put on by various neighborhood and historic preservation groups.

On many of these tours, we find ourselves trying to exit from a house after touring it and are unable to do so as we open the door and large numbers of folks keep entering -- showing no pause in relenting to let us exit. The same happens when we are at an upstairs level attempting to descend on often-narrow staircases that only allow one-way traffic. The person at the top is stuck as one person after another comes up and never glances up to see if anyone would like to come down.

I've also run into this problem during large parties at private homes and at open-house real-estate showings. My instinct is that the person wanting to exit or descend has the right-of-way, but this is obviously not the general instinct, as people continue to barge in or pile up the stairs as those stranded at the top landing or just inside the door stand helplessly back against the throng, creating ever more of a crowd inside. What is the appropriate procedure?

GENTLE READER: Let's assume that those entering don't see that there are people at the top. Miss Manners doesn't believe it, either, having encountered those people while she was trying to get off a bus, but let's assume it. To enlighten them, you tell them, "Coming out, please. Let us get out of your way so you'll have room to get through."

Then you stand helplessly back as they barge through anyway.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Perhaps you can assist my husband and me in resolving a friendly dispute over accepted uses of a fork. While I understand that there are many different types and sizes of forks intended for a variety of uses (salad, dinner, seafood, to name only a few), our question is one concerning the fork as an actual tool for eating, whichever specific fork it might be.

My husband is of the understanding that it is improper manners to use the tines of the fork to spear foods. He has been quick to correct the children that they are to scoop their peas and corn with their fork, rather than impale.

My position is that all of our utensils were designed to follow their function, and that if the fork were not intended as a spearing utensil, it would not have tines, but would instead resemble a garden spade and therefore be rendered redundant by the spoon.

But perhaps there are finer points to be made that I have missed.

Miss Manners, could you help us, please, by providing us the specifics of proper fork usage? It would be very much appreciated if you could also touch on the apparently forbidden "cutting with the side of the fork" issue and maybe provide a short history of utensil "evolution" that could fuel some interesting dinner conversation with the children?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were you, she would not pursue that line about what you figure forks were designed to do. Until two centuries ago, it was a popular argument that the tools most obviously designed for getting food to the mouth were fingers. And the instrument of choice with which to spear everything was the knife -- often, the same hunting knife used to spear a passing rabbit in the fields.

Although the first known appearance of the table fork was in the 11th century, it was viewed with suspicion until -- well, now, when people still declare they don't know "which fork to use" to show what genuine folks they are.

But it took over the dinner table as the instrument of choice, replacing the knife whenever possible. Far from being forbidden, cutting with the side of the fork is the preferred method for anything easily subdued, such as fish, salad and cake. The tines are there because the fork has the more robust job of impaling meat while the knife is being used to cut it.

But impaling peas is too petty a task for it. American manners require scooping them (or reciting the little poem about using honey), while Europeans use their knives to mash vegetables against the back of the tines.

You will have to decide how much of this you want to trust your children to know. They may well end up arguing that the 10th-century method was a tradition that should be respected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a correct way to decline a request to tour my home? More than ?once, I have had people (distant relatives or acquaintances) unexpectedly ?arrive; and after welcoming them into the entrance, they have expressed ?expectations of a full-house tour. Perhaps, in the future, I can graciously decline by quoting you?

GENTLE READER: Or claiming that Miss Manners is asleep upstairs and cannot be disturbed?

Citing her to say that pressing such an expectation is rude and that the host need not agree to it (although both statements are true) would propel you into the rudeness of rebuking your guests. She is afraid that you must learn to say firmly, on your own authority, "No, no, we won't bother with that. Come and sit down; I'd much rather talk with you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent two-and-a-half-hour flight, I had the "pleasure" of sitting next to a couple who insisted on kissing and smooching the entire flight. Believe me, it took all of my willpower not to shout at them to "take it to a hotel room!" Obviously, being on a full flight meant I could not remove myself from the situation but could do nothing more than simply endure the behavior. I also did not want to cause a ruckus by confronting the offending couple while the flight was in the air. Would it have been too rude of me to have given the couple a scolding remark after the plane landed and there was no longer any worry about causing a problem on a flight in progress? I really wanted to say something but decided it was not proper etiquette and just quickly scurried away, happy to be back home.

GENTLE READER: Once there was no longer a possibility of their annoying you, what would have been the point of saying something?

Oh, wait. Miss Manners understands. You wanted to embarrass them, as they had embarrassed you.

She will not allow you to say something critical, which would be rude. However, saying pleasantly, "Congratulations on your marriage" would have accomplished your purpose if the subject of marriage had not arisen in this courtship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A member of one of my ladies' clubs has a son who was ?recently charged with a rather unforgivable crime. ?Although this woman is not someone I would refer to as ?a close friend, we have enjoyed each other's company ?at club events and have worked together on various ?charity functions. Perhaps understandably, however, ?she has stopped attending these events since her son's ?arrest.

Naturally, the actions of her son in no way detract ?from my feelings for this woman. I would like her to ?know that she has my support and that I would be happy ?to help her in any way I can should she so desire, but ?I am unsure how to communicate this. Would a card ?suffice, saying that I am thinking of her and her ?family without mentioning the actual crime of her son? ?Should I call? Or, not being a very close friend, ?should I remain silent as if I knew nothing of this ?event?

GENTLE READER: It saddens Miss Manners to think how many kind impulses are stifled because of the sort of qualms you express: Are they inadequate to a tragic situation? Would they be intrusive?

Not if you express neither more nor less than your relevant sentiment, which is that you have missed this lady at various activities and hope to see her again. It is not a matter of ignoring the crime but of having nothing encouraging to contribute in that matter, as you neither know the son, nor have any idea whether or not he is guilty. The lady will be grateful simply to know that she is not being shunned because of her troubles.

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