DEAR MISS MANNERS: Perhaps you can assist my husband and me in resolving a friendly dispute over accepted uses of a fork. While I understand that there are many different types and sizes of forks intended for a variety of uses (salad, dinner, seafood, to name only a few), our question is one concerning the fork as an actual tool for eating, whichever specific fork it might be.

My husband is of the understanding that it is improper manners to use the tines of the fork to spear foods. He has been quick to correct the children that they are to scoop their peas and corn with their fork, rather than impale.

My position is that all of our utensils were designed to follow their function, and that if the fork were not intended as a spearing utensil, it would not have tines, but would instead resemble a garden spade and therefore be rendered redundant by the spoon.

But perhaps there are finer points to be made that I have missed.

Miss Manners, could you help us, please, by providing us the specifics of proper fork usage? It would be very much appreciated if you could also touch on the apparently forbidden "cutting with the side of the fork" issue and maybe provide a short history of utensil "evolution" that could fuel some interesting dinner conversation with the children?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were you, she would not pursue that line about what you figure forks were designed to do. Until two centuries ago, it was a popular argument that the tools most obviously designed for getting food to the mouth were fingers. And the instrument of choice with which to spear everything was the knife -- often, the same hunting knife used to spear a passing rabbit in the fields.

Although the first known appearance of the table fork was in the 11th century, it was viewed with suspicion until -- well, now, when people still declare they don't know "which fork to use" to show what genuine folks they are.

But it took over the dinner table as the instrument of choice, replacing the knife whenever possible. Far from being forbidden, cutting with the side of the fork is the preferred method for anything easily subdued, such as fish, salad and cake. The tines are there because the fork has the more robust job of impaling meat while the knife is being used to cut it.

But impaling peas is too petty a task for it. American manners require scooping them (or reciting the little poem about using honey), while Europeans use their knives to mash vegetables against the back of the tines.

You will have to decide how much of this you want to trust your children to know. They may well end up arguing that the 10th-century method was a tradition that should be respected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a correct way to decline a request to tour my home? More than ?once, I have had people (distant relatives or acquaintances) unexpectedly ?arrive; and after welcoming them into the entrance, they have expressed ?expectations of a full-house tour. Perhaps, in the future, I can graciously decline by quoting you?

GENTLE READER: Or claiming that Miss Manners is asleep upstairs and cannot be disturbed?

Citing her to say that pressing such an expectation is rude and that the host need not agree to it (although both statements are true) would propel you into the rudeness of rebuking your guests. She is afraid that you must learn to say firmly, on your own authority, "No, no, we won't bother with that. Come and sit down; I'd much rather talk with you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent two-and-a-half-hour flight, I had the "pleasure" of sitting next to a couple who insisted on kissing and smooching the entire flight. Believe me, it took all of my willpower not to shout at them to "take it to a hotel room!" Obviously, being on a full flight meant I could not remove myself from the situation but could do nothing more than simply endure the behavior. I also did not want to cause a ruckus by confronting the offending couple while the flight was in the air. Would it have been too rude of me to have given the couple a scolding remark after the plane landed and there was no longer any worry about causing a problem on a flight in progress? I really wanted to say something but decided it was not proper etiquette and just quickly scurried away, happy to be back home.

GENTLE READER: Once there was no longer a possibility of their annoying you, what would have been the point of saying something?

Oh, wait. Miss Manners understands. You wanted to embarrass them, as they had embarrassed you.

She will not allow you to say something critical, which would be rude. However, saying pleasantly, "Congratulations on your marriage" would have accomplished your purpose if the subject of marriage had not arisen in this courtship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A member of one of my ladies' clubs has a son who was ?recently charged with a rather unforgivable crime. ?Although this woman is not someone I would refer to as ?a close friend, we have enjoyed each other's company ?at club events and have worked together on various ?charity functions. Perhaps understandably, however, ?she has stopped attending these events since her son's ?arrest.

Naturally, the actions of her son in no way detract ?from my feelings for this woman. I would like her to ?know that she has my support and that I would be happy ?to help her in any way I can should she so desire, but ?I am unsure how to communicate this. Would a card ?suffice, saying that I am thinking of her and her ?family without mentioning the actual crime of her son? ?Should I call? Or, not being a very close friend, ?should I remain silent as if I knew nothing of this ?event?

GENTLE READER: It saddens Miss Manners to think how many kind impulses are stifled because of the sort of qualms you express: Are they inadequate to a tragic situation? Would they be intrusive?

Not if you express neither more nor less than your relevant sentiment, which is that you have missed this lady at various activities and hope to see her again. It is not a matter of ignoring the crime but of having nothing encouraging to contribute in that matter, as you neither know the son, nor have any idea whether or not he is guilty. The lady will be grateful simply to know that she is not being shunned because of her troubles.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two and a half years ago, I broke off an engagement because my fiance was lying to ?my face and going behind my back with a former girlfriend. As to what he was ?doing with her, I do not know, since there were no witnesses.

He knew and ?agreed that it was inappropriate for him to do what he did, and that he ?would not want me to do likewise. It was painfully clear to me that I could ?not trust him and that I should not marry him.

I did not offer the ring back, due to the circumstances. I felt that his ?actions had broken our engagement, and I deserved to keep the ring. Was this ?wrong?

Now, two and a half years later, he asks me about the ring. He says that he doesn't ?necessarily want it back, but that he might buy it from me. I ?assume that he is ready to propose to his current girlfriend. It seems as if ?he has forgotten that I have any feelings at all.

What do you think about this? I have sold the ring. He wishes to know how much money I received. He has ?not asked me to give him the money, but does he deserve to receive it?

Also, I was the second recipient of this ring -- he had proposed to his ?previous fiancee with the very same. If he could have, he would have proposed ?to a third woman with the same ring. Is that done?

GENTLE READER: You should make up your mind whether you believe that an engagement ring is a talisman, forever sacred to the engagement it symbolized, or a form of bail to be forfeited by the one who got away.

Miss Manners prefers the former definition. You, evidently, do not, as you accepted a ring that had symbolized a previous engagement. When you ask the question of whether this multiple use of a ring "is done" (and evidently it is), you must ask yourself whether there is a difference between offering it and accepting it.

You also failed to do the decent thing when your engagement ended -- to fling it back at him in distaste. Flinging back the money is not as satisfactory, particularly at this late date, but since you no longer have the ring, it would be the only proper way left to show your contempt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would one respond to a high school senior ball date when asked, "Since we're just going as friends, do you still want me to buy a corsage?"

To my knowledge, a corsage is not a romantic gift, but a formal accessory. Just the same, if one would like a corsage, how can one respond to such a question when it is so obvious that the date would rather not buy a corsage. In return, one does not have to buy a boutonniere for the date.

Is the date being disrespectful for not buying a corsage?

GENTLE READER: Never mind the respect issue, an accusation of which would soon take the friendship out of this arrangement. If it will embarrass you to go corsage-less, Miss Manners suggests saying, "Well, it's customary."

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