DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were fortunate enough to spend a holiday at a lovely restaurant in Paris, where the tables are rather closer than they are stateside. The restaurant was full, except for the table next to ours, which was soon occupied by a young American couple who began to talk at top volume.

We were talking quietly when the man suddenly turned and said loudly, "You're American! Where are you from?" I quietly answered "Chicago." He crowed, "We're from L.A.!" I nodded and smiled, not wishing to converse further.

The couple proceeded to discuss the state of their finances, the state of their emotions, the state of their relationship, I don't know what all, at top volume. It made quiet conversation between my husband and me virtually impossible, so we ate our dinner in silence.

I was tempted to say something like, "I'm terribly sorry, but I can't help but overhear some rather intimate details about you, which are none of my business. You may want to discuss them more quietly." Instead, I said nothing.

Should we have said something to them? If so, what? I wish to be polite, but some situations really test ?you.

GENTLE READER: Here is Miss Manners' test:

Would you have considered admonishing these people if they were speaking French?

Perhaps not, Miss Manners is guessing, although it is within reason for patrons to complain to management -- not to one another -- if they are assaulted with conversation-killing noise. Depending on your proficiency in French, you might not have understood what was being said, or you could have found this glimpse into foreigners' lives interesting. Or you may have been afraid that your protest of mere boisterousness would be perceived as rude and insulting.

The latter should also apply to those American diners. While it is your concern that you have a pleasant meal, which is why Miss Manners would not dispute a polite request to be reseated, it is not your responsibility to police your fellow citizens abroad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am employed as a secretary in a hospital, where my department has three divisions and each division has a secretary. I received the following e-mail from the Director of the Department:

"Subject: Administrative Assistants Week

Hey gals,

What would you guys most appreciate?"

My response indicated that I would be appreciative of any gift she deemed appropriate. Was I wrong to be unresponsive to a direct request to name my own gift? The whole thing left me feeling awkward.

GENTLE READER: Although your semantic problem is not as great as that of your director, who suffers from gender confusion, you do have one.

When you speak of a "gift," it is in the social sense, where it would indeed be unfitting to name your own. (And yes, Miss Manners applies this condemnation to the use of so-called gift registries.)

But this is a business situation, where you are supposedly being rewarded for your work. Can you really not think of any business concession you would like to have? A raise? Some extra time off? That supplementary help you've been promised? That was the time to name it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been mildly depressed for the past year or so. I am, thankfully, now receiving counseling and medical assistance -- but I am anxious about getting back in touch with friends around the country.

During the course of my illness, I'm afraid I have treated them badly -- failing to respond to e-mails, invitations and phone calls. I have thought of them often, and missed them deeply - but been unable to reach out.

How can I get back in touch? How can I apologize for my neglect without dumping my mental-health problems on them or making them feel awkward? Rehashing why I've failed to call makes me more sad (and less likely to call). What can I do?

GENTLE READER: That there might be an advantage to living in a society where many people neglect their social duties was something Miss Manners did not suspect. But this is what will enable you to apologize without surrendering your privacy.

Not that she would countenance your adopting their standard excuse of being "terribly busy." All that says is that the people to whom it is addressed were a low priority and seem to have nothing better to do than to try keep up with you.

Just go with the rest of it -- how dreadful you feel about neglecting them, how deeply you miss them and how much you hope they will forgive you and resume the friendships.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't say "no;" I also ?didn't say "yes." I explained that I didn't feel ready to be engaged, ?particularly as I have just started graduate school and we would ?likely not hold the wedding for several years.

I stressed that this ?didn't mean that I didn't want to marry him, and he understands my ?feelings, though he doesn't share them. We have agreed that we will ?wait to be engaged until I'm ready, and he has told me to keep the ?ring he gave me until then.

My question has to do with that ring, which is very lovely but rather ?larger and more formal than I can comfortably wear day-to-day. His ?mother helped him select it from those that had been passed onto her from his grandmother, and my boyfriend said she offered to let me ?pick a different one if I liked.

I would, however, prefer to avoid ?the symbolism of giving back his ring, and I furthermore don't like the idea of picking over his family heirlooms for those I like best.

I have always liked the idea of having a plain silver band as an ?engagement ring, and I would like to purchase such a ring to give to ?him, when the time comes. I wondered if it would be appropriate for ?me to buy myself a matching engagement ring for every-day wear at the ?same time, saving the one he gave me for formal occasions.

GENTLE READER: You don't see anything wrong with the symbolism of buying your own engagement ring? Uh-oh.

But since you are not engaged, this is not a problem. Nor, considering that circumstance, should you be hanging on to another family's ring.

Now please don't mind all this scolding. Miss Manners is using it to solve your problems.

You send back the family ring with a charming note telling the mother that you love her son dearly, and look forward to accepting this, or whichever ring she chooses, at the proper time. (The "whichever" will remind her to offer you the choice.) When the time comes, you may choose something more to your liking. But you could also confide that it is so lovely that you are afraid to wear it every day, and that if he wanted to get you something very simple for ordinary use, say a plain silver band, for example, you would proudly wear the family ring on festive occasions (which would include every time you see his mother).

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A spring break visit by my 14-year-old grandson was marred by his fascination with the handheld electronic toy he brought with him. It seemed at every idle moment, he'd be engrossed in some electronic competition, unwilling to respond to questions or participate in conversation. Needless to say, his grandmother and I seriously wanted to engage him in discussions about the family, his future and other topics of interest.

When pressed to quit, he'd explain, "I'm not at save point yet" and would play on for a minute or so more before he would shut down the game.

I wouldn't want to rob the boy his entertainment, but this was an insidious intrusion into our home and led to some strong words between us. Short of running it over with the family car, what sort of electronic-game policy would Miss Manners suggest in future visits with the lad? That is if he's ever willing to return.

GENTLE READER: Certainly no guest should escape -- electronically or by other means -- while his hosts are trying to entertain him. But you will have to forgive Miss Manners for noticing that that was not exactly what you were doing.

You were trying to grill him. A young person's family and future are not likely to be what you call "topics of interest" for him to discuss, unless he brought them up himself, which does not seem to be the case here. That they are topics of interest to his grandparents, Miss Manners does not doubt. But just as your visitor had an obligation to you, you had one to him.

You are not going to lure him to return -- at least not to return willingly -- by reopening the electronics-game question. What you should be doing instead is finding out from his parents what other interests he might have that you could reasonably share -- a sport, a play or film, a board game, a sightseeing excursion -- and issuing an invitation that he might find enticing.

You should also engage him in conversation about his interests, even if this means you have to listen to topics less thrilling to you than family gossip or his chances of becoming president.

If that toy appears, do not confiscate or deride it. Instead, ask him to show you how it works. That should get him talking and, with any luck, you may be able to move the conversation to other topics. In any case, retreating behind a newspaper or otherwise cutting him off would be rude -- the grown-up equivalent of what he did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I continue to see wedding processions where the father walks on the right hand side of the bride. (Hollywood movies and weddings coordinated by wedding consultants). Etiquette books say that the correct side of the bride is the left. Will you please tell me which you believe is correct? I'm a wedding consultant, and I'm often challenged by clients on this point.

GENTLE READER: Whether the bride and bridegroom are suited to one another may be a matter of belief, but that a gentleman always gives his right arm to a lady is a matter of custom. Miss Manners believes that you could save yourself a lot of trouble by telling your clients not to get their manners from the movies. Etiquette books are more reliable, since they don't have to worry about camera angles.

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