DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a bit unsure how to respond to strange men who greet me on the street. (I work in an area where this is common.)

I feel rude ignoring a friendly greeting, yet I can't help but notice that this does not happen when I am in the company of others, nor do these apparently very outgoing folks seem to greet single men. Usually I smile weakly and hurry by. Do you have any better advice?

GENTLE READER- Yes: Don't smile weakly.

This society is in dire need of a clear understanding of the word "friendly." Miss Manners notices that nowadays it is mostly used to describe meager service at impersonal institutions or unwelcome liberties administered by strangers.

"I was only trying to be friendly" is the argument by which the intrusive make their hapless targets feel that they are the ones who have transgressed. It is not only predators who ogle lone females but grabbers who administer hugs on anyone they have diagnosed as being in emotional need; busybodies who probe for personal information, critics who offer unsolicited assessments and advice, and all those who address adults they have never met before (or, as in the case of telephone solicitors, whom they never will meet) by their first names or nicknames.

Are these people actually friends? Are they promising candidates for friendship?

No, but the fear that failing to respond would be rude works, as it did on you, because we Americans pride ourselves on being a friendly people. In a mobile society, as in the frontier circumstances that preceded it, it is pleasant and necessary to be open to new friendships.

However, this does not mean that we have surrendered the privilege of choosing our friends. If your greeters were simply full of harmless good cheer, why would they ignore you when you happen to be accompanied by, say a big burly gentleman? Unless you consider that rude, you should realize that you may also ignore them without being rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We will be traveling to attend a wedding of a relative. The wedding is on a Saturday, and we will be driving down on Friday and having to pay for a hotel for two nights. What is the etiquette on our gift to them? We normally would give a gift of $100. The hotel will cost $150 per night. This is getting expensive. Because the kids are coming too, I almost feel that we should be giving them more, but it is already going to cost us probably $500 to travel.

GENTLE READER: Attending a wedding is not a business deal in which the guests and the hosts should calculate their expenses to come out even. Or, in the alas-too-common case of bridal couples today, come out ahead.

There is no fee by which guests reimburse their hosts for the cost of their food, let alone help pay for the wedding, the honeymoon and the happily-ever-after. Miss Manners knows this will come as a shock to all concerned, but sensible people are supposed to put on the weddings that they can afford, and select wedding presents that they can afford.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?I am looking for advice because I discovered that my husband of three months had an affair. I was willing to work through the infidelity with counseling. I then learned by way of his family that he is not what he portrays himself to be and highly suggested to leave him for my safety and sanity.

With this in mind, I am filing for divorce. Coupled with all the feelings of hurt and embarrassment, I feel guilty about the time and expense my family put into my bridal shower and especially our wedding. I have all the wedding gifts. Is there a protocol about whether to return the gifts or not when a marriage dissolves within a short period of time?

GENTLE READER: There is, indeed, a letter-of-the-law protocol, and it allows you to keep everything because you did actually get married. That is the official cut-off point. Had you made your discovery in time to call off the wedding, it would have required you to return the wedding presents.

You should hear the outrage that last part provokes in no-longer-brides who feel entitled to any material advantage they can get, as compensation for their disappointment. You would then understand why Miss Manners is so grateful for your finer feelings. She encourages you to act on them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a volunteer basis, I maintain a Web site for an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy restoring and driving little British cars. As one of the main points of contact for e-mail inquiries about these cars, I receive several e-mails each month that I strive to answer in a timely, correct and complete fashion.

On occasion, these e-mail "threads" may extend to multiple messages. In general, these e-mails are sent by individuals I have never met and am unlikely to ever meet unless they happen to join our group as a result of their contact with us through our Web site.

The latest message I received in a recent thread requested some additional information on the original topic, and the writer also imparted the information that his response to my original reply had been delayed due to the death of his mother. As I did not have time to contact Miss Manners about the correct approach without creating some delay in my reply, I did not acknowledge his loss in my response.

Should I have offered some words of sympathy to this person in my reply, even though our only contact has been through cyberspace? I should note that this is not the type of information I would have included in correspondence of this nature, and I was somewhat at a loss as to what to do.

GENTLE READER: You could hardly be expected to write a condolence letter about a stranger to someone you have never met. The gentleman could hardly expect one, as he offered the information simply as an explanation.

All the same, a formal acknowledgment would have been nice. "Please accept my condolences," for example. You can then proceed right to business, as your correspondent did.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In what manner should a person act, in a conversation, when the other person tunes out of the talk for a brief time because they are distracted?

I have a male friend I meet with for coffee. If an attractive woman comes by, he will stare at her and ignore our conversation for 10 or so seconds, and then resume.

If I happen to be talking at the time, I'm not sure what to do. I usually keep talking, until my friend rejoins the conversation. But I find it embarrassing. I feel awkward talking when no one is listening, and I think his behavior is rather rude.

This has happened to me only a few other times in my life, when a person is distracted when I am talking, and I never know what to do. But it mostly happens just with my friend. I work hard at being a good conversationalist and listener, trying to steer the conversation in the direction of the other person's interests. But in this situation, it doesn't seem to help.

GENTLE READER: Because you are not steering the conversation in the direction of your friend's immediate interest.

You might try that. Not ogling ladies, of course, which is a nasty habit. But asking him brightly, "Who's that? Do you know her? Should we go over and say hello?"

If he has any sense, he will retreat hastily, saying, "No, I was mistaken; I don't know her" and return his attention to you. You will probably have to do this on more than one occasion, but Miss Manners is confident that he will eventually learn that having that exchange yet again is not sufficient compensation for those fleeting glances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm writing about a long-running friendly argument among my friends. Raymond, a superb host and our late friend, would offer a toast in honor of any new guest at his dinner table. However, that guest was never allowed to raise his or her glass and sip, since Raymond said it was in the guest's honor and one should not drink to one's self.

Others among us say that one should be allowed to drink to a toast in his or her honor. Still another friend hedges the argument by asserting that one doesn't drink to one's self, but should immediately return a toast to the host and/or hostess and may then drink.

GENTLE READER: Raymond was entirely correct: One should never drink to oneself (bridal couples, please take note), as is your friend who points out that the graceful way to catch up on the drinking is to offer a counter toast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a colleague who consistently forgets to include "attachments" ?to e-mail messages. How do I politely reply to this person (repeatedly) and request that they resend the message with the attachment?

GENTLE READER: Yes, between those people and the ones who send attachments that can't be opened by the recipients, or attachments that take forever to open and are not worth it, we are all going mad. Yet Miss Manners urges patience and a polite reply of "Please resend attachment." Manners alone mandate this, but forgoing snapping back will protect you against counter-snaps on the inevitable day when you forget to attach an attachment.

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