DEAR MISS MANNERS: In what manner should a person act, in a conversation, when the other person tunes out of the talk for a brief time because they are distracted?

I have a male friend I meet with for coffee. If an attractive woman comes by, he will stare at her and ignore our conversation for 10 or so seconds, and then resume.

If I happen to be talking at the time, I'm not sure what to do. I usually keep talking, until my friend rejoins the conversation. But I find it embarrassing. I feel awkward talking when no one is listening, and I think his behavior is rather rude.

This has happened to me only a few other times in my life, when a person is distracted when I am talking, and I never know what to do. But it mostly happens just with my friend. I work hard at being a good conversationalist and listener, trying to steer the conversation in the direction of the other person's interests. But in this situation, it doesn't seem to help.

GENTLE READER: Because you are not steering the conversation in the direction of your friend's immediate interest.

You might try that. Not ogling ladies, of course, which is a nasty habit. But asking him brightly, "Who's that? Do you know her? Should we go over and say hello?"

If he has any sense, he will retreat hastily, saying, "No, I was mistaken; I don't know her" and return his attention to you. You will probably have to do this on more than one occasion, but Miss Manners is confident that he will eventually learn that having that exchange yet again is not sufficient compensation for those fleeting glances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm writing about a long-running friendly argument among my friends. Raymond, a superb host and our late friend, would offer a toast in honor of any new guest at his dinner table. However, that guest was never allowed to raise his or her glass and sip, since Raymond said it was in the guest's honor and one should not drink to one's self.

Others among us say that one should be allowed to drink to a toast in his or her honor. Still another friend hedges the argument by asserting that one doesn't drink to one's self, but should immediately return a toast to the host and/or hostess and may then drink.

GENTLE READER: Raymond was entirely correct: One should never drink to oneself (bridal couples, please take note), as is your friend who points out that the graceful way to catch up on the drinking is to offer a counter toast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a colleague who consistently forgets to include "attachments" ?to e-mail messages. How do I politely reply to this person (repeatedly) and request that they resend the message with the attachment?

GENTLE READER: Yes, between those people and the ones who send attachments that can't be opened by the recipients, or attachments that take forever to open and are not worth it, we are all going mad. Yet Miss Manners urges patience and a polite reply of "Please resend attachment." Manners alone mandate this, but forgoing snapping back will protect you against counter-snaps on the inevitable day when you forget to attach an attachment.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had an intense friendship that bordered on the romantic with a younger colleague of my husband's. The two of them are friends, and I expect we'll meet him when we attend a conference next month. My husband may want to socialize with him.

The colleague and I never acted on our feelings and are not speaking anymore. (We used to have an extensive correspondence.)

I don't know what attitude to take with him when I see him again. It might be awkward to avoid him, since I would then be avoiding other people my husband wants me to meet, but I think it would pain me to pretend to be light and casual over drinks. It was right to stop talking to him, but I miss him very much. Then I think that if we're going to be running into him in the course of my husband's work in the future, I should get over the awkwardness now. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: That you get over the awkwardness and deal with him as you would any other colleague of your husband's.

But suggesting and trusting are two different things. Why should Miss Manners trust you to be able to do this when you make it clear that you do not trust yourself?

So she is revising her suggestion. You are required to be polite to all these people you encounter, but you not required to be equally friendly with them all. This is one person you should avoid -- excusing yourself, when left alone with him, to greet others, to powder your nose -- as much as you can without making it obvious to anyone except him. Should your husband pick up on this, you should call on the privilege of having private preferences and say, "Oh, I don't know; there's just something about him -- and there are so many others I'd rather talk to."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever I go out to eat breakfast with a group, I order scrambled eggs, not because they are my favorite, but because I don't know the proper way to eat fried eggs.

At home, I would just cut up the entire egg with a knife and fork, but I have always had the feeling that I should use the fork to slice off a bite at a time. I would hate this because I like the yellow to cover all the white of the egg. Help! I am getting tired of scrambled eggs.

GENTLE READER: Just because Miss Manners won't let you use a knife on your eggs or cut up all your food at once, that doesn't mean she cruelly condemns you to a lifetime of scrambled eggs at public breakfasts.

Fried eggs are cut only with the side of the fork. You appear to like yours lightly cooked, in which case a preliminary stab at the yolks should lawfully accomplish your objective of spreading the yellow around. If they are firmer, you may use the fork to cut pie-shaped wedges containing both yellow and white. And Miss Manners hopes that this will be the most strenuous part of your day.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems that the immodest fad of stuffing every bride into the cookie cutter, strapless bridal uniform so popular now has left few with any sense of imagination and/or personal style. Most have too much to show to even carry off that look as they seemingly explode out of these boring garments, which all look even more alike when printed in most newspapers.

Sigh. Why would anyone even want to look like everyone else?

SO! What does one say to the repeated questioning from a bride-to-be concerning how much do I like her dress?

GENTLE READER: "It's lovely, dear." Repeat as often as necessary.

Mind you, Miss Manners agrees with you about those silly white ball dresses replacing dignified wedding dresses. In fact, she is even crankier about them than you, believing it to be disrespectful to appear that bare for a solemn ceremony, particularly in a house of worship. That brides prefer to dress for the party, rather than the service (when they could so easily do both with a bit of lace to be shed between the events) is a sad indication of which they consider more important.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners is holding fast to the idea that all brides are beautiful and that they should be told so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a new employee of the local university and medical center's development department, I inherited a list of donors which requires my attention to their pledges and payments as well as informing them of proposals which may interest them.

A regular donor is facing the imminent death of her husband and has asked us to remind her of her pledge schedule. How do we tactfully express our sincere concern about her husband's failing health and her role as caregiver while managing the financial (and, I realize, accurate) nature of this relationship?

It occurs to me that many of our donors and families are or will be facing ill health (we are a medical center) and that I do not wish to appear to be chasing them for their bequests. Is it possible to tactfully request their donations (hundreds of thousands, even millions of dollars are at stake) in any way to avoid hovering over the deathbed? I should have considered this possibility before accepting the position.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. For anyone else, the polite opening would be to inquire about the lady's husband. For you, as the representative of an organization that might benefit from his death, it would sound ghoulish.

Miss Manners suggests you open by identifying yourself and your organization and then saying, "You asked us to call, but if this is a bad time, please tell me." Be prepared to hear either, "Yes, it is," or "It's a terrible time, but we might as well talk now." You can then express your good wishes for her and her husband before getting down to business in a way as unrelated to his fate as possible.

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