DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 13-year old daughter has an opportunity to take a one-week trip to Washington, D.C., this coming summer. The trip will be chaperoned by several school teachers. It will be a wonderful opportunity to see the White House, museums, etc.

However, the cost of the trip is not something we had budgeted. My husband and I both have good jobs and are considered middle class. We could probably swing the cost of the trip (with some difficulty). To lighten the burden, we were thinking of having our daughter send a letter to family and close friends telling them about the trip and asking for their sponsorship. Is this tacky?

GENTLE READER: For the destitute, begging is humiliating. For anyone with income to do so is simply crass. How often have you volunteered to help these people with their discretionary expenses?

Mind you, Miss Manners understands that you want to send your daughter on this trip because you want her to have an educational experience. As rewarding as that might be, it would be far more educational for her to learn that responsible people do not incur financial burdens that they cannot afford, and that they do not expect to shove such burdens onto others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an e-mail from a friend, sent to me and many others, inviting the recipients to attend her wedding online. On the proper day, at the proper time, we're to click on the link she provided, and we'll be able to see the wedding as it happens. The bride and groom are getting married in a town across the country, and I imagine this is a novel way of having people who probably couldn't come anyway still "attend" the wedding. It will be interesting to see how it works out. I suspect that this type of wedding participation will occur more frequently in the future.

I think kindly about this person; we worked together several years ago and have kept in touch over the years. I'm flattered that she thought enough of me to send me notice of the wedding and will most likely watch it, but how do I proceed?

Do I "accept" the invitation? (I sent her a response saying I thought it was a fun idea, which it is, but didn't say if I'd participate.) Do I send a gift because I'm watching the wedding, but not actually attending? Is a gift required when one is invited to an online wedding? I realize I can send a gift because I care about her, but I don't know if I have to send one under these circumstances.

GENTLE READER: Consider yourself in the position of someone to whom a bride has offered to show her wedding pictures or, if you are unlucky, the wedding video. (Oh, dear. Miss Manners didn't mean that. Of course they are lovely, dear.)

You may be delighted to see them, or you may feel cornered, but you surely cannot confuse the experience with being a wedding guest. Seeing it in real time does not incur such obligations as responding or sending a present -- only that of wishing the bride well and telling her, when you happen to encounter her afterward, that she looked lovely.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a friend's cocktail party through a Web site "e-vite." I was sent an e-mail, which contained a link to a Web site, which displayed the details of the party, the guest list and each guest's response along with any comments they chose to post for all to see!

My hostess has made it clear (through subsequent e-mail) that she wishes to keep track of her guest list through this Web site and has requested we use it.

Should I respond using the medium she chooses, although I find it abhorrent? Or would it be acceptable to respond in a way I find more genteel, as a phone call or personal note?

GENTLE READER: Normally, Miss Manners insists that guests follow their prospective hosts' instructions and respond in the manner used for the invitation -- telephoned invitations by telephone, written ones in writing, and so on.

But she has her limits. For example, she cannot bring herself to use those horrid little "M__________" cards in place of a formally written response to a formally written wedding invitation. And she will not post her responses online for general perusal.

In the case of an e-mailed invitation, you may respond with an e-mail, but you may address it directly to your hosts. However, be warned that the Web site is programmed to nag you for not having responded, but your conscience will be clear because you know you did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother recently passed away after an extended illness. A friend of mine, knowing my mother's situation, sent me a poem about a pet's death, envisioning the pet running in beautiful pastures, wagging its tail, jumping and playing.

I cannot convey how offensive and insensitive I found it to compare my mother to a dog.

I realize that she sent it out of some misguided attempt at kindness. My inclination is to just not mention it, as I cannot imagine thanking her politely for something so stupid as to actually be hurtful.

But there is another aspect that perhaps should be considered. This woman is a nurse, and presumably is experienced in dealing with families of dying patients. She also participates actively in a grief-counseling group. It is reasonable to anticipate that she will be in contact with grieving families and loved ones in the future. To what extent do I have any obligation to her, or to the future victims of her well intended but hurtful ham-handedness?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners shares your aversion to this attempt at consolation and finds it laudable that you wish to protect others, she advises you not to confront your would-be comforter. She may maintain that her pet meant as much to her as your mother meant to you, which would anger you. She may say that she just grabbed the first card from the condolence shelf, which would insult you. She may declare that the poem was meant metaphorically, which would embarrass you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is now three months since my ex-boyfriend told me that he wanted to be alone. We had been friends for eight months before he made the official move of kissing me to signify that he wanted to date.

We dated for 15 months before he broke the heart-breaking news. About one month before he decided that he wanted to be alone, he told me that I was an awesome person and that if he were to be married, that he would marry me, but if he didn't marry me, that he would not get married at all.

After we separated for a month with only business contact (we invested in a rental business together), we crossed paths at a spiritual retreat. We talked, and I was very comfortable. About two weeks later, we spent four days in a row for about four to six hours per day, talking and sharing, while we were dealing with our rental business. Again, I was very comfortable around him and he around me.

During the conversations, he commented that we had some incompatibilities (items I think that can be easily resolved with proper communication). He assumes that we will fight and not talk to each other after marriage because my strong personality reminds him of his sister and aunt.

I have never exhibited tantrums nor been queen-bee with him. At the end of all this, I casually asked him what kind of woman he was looking for. He said a "soul mate" and that I was not his soul mate. This contradicts his early dating comments that his definition of a soul mate was someone who walks beside him. While we were dating, he told me that I was one of the few people who understands him. He told me after we broke up that I walk beside him.

I keep getting mixed signals from him. He wants to be friends and we can talk for hours on the phone or he invites me for lunch or dinner.

Many of my friends tell me to simply cut him off completely (including selling our profitable business). I only get anxious and depressed when I think about having no contact with him. I love him dearly and want to be friends with him (and in some small way still hope to spend a lifetime with him, but do not have any expectations).

I know that it will take longer to "get over him" if we continue to be friends, but I think that two things can come of it -- either our friendship will grow stronger and we get back together, or our friendship will die a slow (dully painful) death. I would like to know what you think and appreciate any advice you can give.

GENTLE READER: Since Miss Manners does not give either lovelorn advice or business advice, she will address this as a matter of etiquette. Fortunately for her, there is hardly any aspect of life that she cannot cast into a matter of etiquette.

Ask yourself if you could do the polite thing in either of the following situations.

1. Your friend suddenly looks radiant and confides that he has finally met his soul mate.

2. Your business partner tells you that he will need some time off for his wedding and honeymoon.

If, in either case, you would choke on a cheerful, "How wonderful! I'm so happy for you," you should get out and buy or sell out.

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