DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a very professional environment, so it caught me completely off guard today when a new co-worker asked if I had a stick of lip balm. I replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" thinking that would give the hint.

But she inquired further, "Can I use it?" in front of a fellow co-worker. I wasn't sure if I should have declined and risked insulting her hygiene by not sharing or instead obliged and looked too unconcerned about my own by lending it.

I opted to share. Did I do the right thing?

This new co-worker also has some other habits that reflect poorly on her level of professionalism, such as picking at her fingernails while someone is trying to explain something to her, cutting her cuticles while sitting in a meeting with someone in their cube, etc.

Should I pull her aside privately to let her know this is not appropriate at work? (She is right out of school and this is her first professional job.) Or is this her manager's job (who is already aware of such behavior)?

GENTLE READER: Now that you and your colleague are on the same stick of lip balm, Miss Manners has a hard time saying that you are not on sufficiently intimate terms to attempt reforming her. Nevertheless, you should let the manager do it and concentrate on protecting yourself from unreasonable demands and flying cuticles.

A vague "sorry" at the start would have covered whether you actually possessed lip balm or were simply declining to share; as you discovered, bringing on the second question was not a good idea. If you are caught trying to explain work matters to this lady while she is busy grooming herself, the polite thing to do would be to offer to postpone work until she has finished her toilette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for serving and taking butter at a dinner table? Sometimes I am rushed to serve a family dinner and add the store-bought butter tub to the table rather than place a portion of it or a stick onto a separate butter dish.

I contend that despite the presence of a tub, a separate knife should be used to serve the butter from the tub to a plate rather than the knife at the place setting. My partner gently chides me that only when a proper butter dish is present do you use a separate knife.

GENTLE READER: If you find your partner too rigid, you are not going to soften to Miss Manners. She maintains that only when a proper butter dish is present should you be entitled to have any butter.

Yet she is not insensible to the demands of time. For goodness' sake, find a covered butter dish or tub that is presentable at the table, transfer your butter when you buy it, and store it that way in the refrigerator. Your meals will be prettier and your partner will be happier.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to turn off or ignore your phone, ignore a knock at the door, or ignore an IM on your computer screen when you have left your computer and messenger on at night while you were sleeping?

I say that it is elective to answer (or even make possible) these summons to attention, and they may be ignored at will for any number of reasons, including sleeping, resting, doing homework, doing telecommuting work, and even just taking some private time when you do not wish to be interrupted.

I have a friend whose mother has taught her she must always answer door knocks, phones ringing, IMs on the computer, regardless of what she is doing or why, or she is guilty of rudeness. Please enlighten us.

GENTLE READER: All right: Your friend's mother has a hard time getting in touch with her. Possibly for good reason.

It is true that everyone gets impatient if unable to reach anyone else immediately, now that there are so many ways of attempting this. However, Miss Manners has noticed that when the matter is considered in the abstract -- Do you believe that everyone is obligated to be on call to everyone else all the time? -- few would agree. And, funny thing, those few tend to be suspicious parents, lovers and bosses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The waiter at a high-dollar restaurant asked me, in reference to my salad, if I was "done working on that."

I grimaced a little and said, "No, I'm enjoying it. I don't work on my food."

My husband said, "That's a pet peeve of hers."

The waiter said, "Well, everyone is entitled to their own pet peeves, I suppose, but I work on my food," thereby managing to both disagree and insult me at the same time.

I didn't point out that she was also, in fact, working for tips, so a less negative response would have been self-serving.

I labor when I clean my kitchen floor and when I rake the lawn, but tend to enjoy the process of "eating" as opposed to "working" on my food. Other phrases in her repertoire that evening included, "no problem," when being thanked for bringing something she had forgotten to bring earlier, "Can I steal your plates?" when we had finished eating, and "'Bye, you guys" as we were leaving.

I am, I know, an aging English major, but I do long for more precision in our language. Am I asking too much?

GENTLE READER: You are asking a hard-working person to work on her language skills while trying to get your dinner on and off the table. Yes, that is asking too much.

Mind you, Miss Manners dislikes these expressions as much as you do, and finds the idea of "working on" food particularly unappetizing. How this expression originated and instantly made its way into restaurant parlance everywhere, she cannot imagine.

All the same, it is you who insulted the waitress, not only by correcting her, but also by taking umbrage at her attempt to defend her dignity.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I stay overnight in friends' and relatives' homes, I often find three to seven decorative pillows on the bed and pillow shams on the pillows. I usually look around for a chair to put the decorative pillows on or an open shelf in the closet. If there is no chair and no open space on the closet shelf, should I put them on the floor?

Can they ever be used? Are pillow shams removed from the pillows before using them? Sometimes additional pillows with just the usual pillowcases are underneath the ones with pillow shams and sometimes not. Some pillow shams are made from stiff brocade material, and I don't think I am supposed to use the pillow with the sham on.

All of these decisions are too much for me when I am sleepy and want to go to bed. Please give me the quick course on pillow etiquette.

GENTLE READER: The first rule is that guests should be able to find the bed under the pile of pillows. Miss Manners considers it the responsibility of the host to make it possible for them to go to sleep without first redecorating the room.

However, the polite guest who encounters a puffy mountain range is obliged to stay awake, sorting things out. The rule is to sleep only on pillows protected by pillowcases, wherever they may be found, and to toss the ones in pillow shams back on the bed in the morning so that no one will be able to detect where they spent the night.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who enters and exits an elevator first, the lady or the gentleman? (Exiting, of course, seems to be governed by the practical principal that the person nearest the door leaves first.)

I understand that the social norm of "ladies first" governs many situations like this. However, I was once informed by a well-bred Southern lady that the gentleman always enters and exits first, because doing so is a step into the unknown and, in the event of mishap, the gentleman should be the one to take the fall, so to speak.

This makes sense to me in light of the historical development of social conventions. Unfortunately, when I have acted upon this theory and entered an elevator first, I have occasionally received the icy glare of the sort usually directed at boors.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman allows a lady to precede him into an elevator. For his own safety, as well as the lady's, Miss Manners acknowledges that a fastidious gentleman might check first to see that there is actually an elevator there, and not an empty shaft.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss's daughter was getting married. I sent her a very expensive gift, but a few days before the wedding I was fired for no reason. The daughter kept the gift rather than return it to me. Was this proper or should she have returned it?

GENTLE READER: Only if she fired the bridegroom would she be required to return it. Or if he fired her.

Whatever your motivation, Miss Manners is afraid that your offering still counts as a wedding present, not a gesture to ingratiate yourself with your boss. Thus the only rule that applies is that presents must be returned if the wedding -- not your career -- is canceled.

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