DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended an informal weekly gathering of professional women friends wherein everyone is expected to contribute to the evening's repast. Some have time to make a dish from scratch, while others with a more hectic schedule that day bring something purchased. My offering was a carton of not-inexpensive, freshly made sushi purchased from a reputable and upscale grocery/deli.

As we were placing our dishes on the counter to be served, our hostess asked in a very loud voice and with considerable alarm WHERE I had purchased the sushi. When I told her, she replied that she was very careful about where she purchased sushi and would never eat sushi from that establishment.

Needless to say, I was mortified, but trying to keep things light. I replied that in that case, perhaps we should just feed it to the dog. My hostess barked that she wouldn't give it to her dog, at which point I calmly took the sushi, dumped it in the trash can, said "Good night, ladies," and left.

I later learned that my hostess feels I owe her an apology. I say she's lucky I held my temper and refrained from dumping said sushi over her head. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That the other guests had a rip-roaring time after you left, tearing you apart for being rude, as confirmed by the report you heard.

That is a great pity. If you had handled it differently, they would have been in shock at the extraordinary rudeness of your hostess.

But no, you had to top her. Miss Manners sees that you award yourself credit for refraining from topping her with the sushi, but still, you made an ugly scene. Or rather you made an ugly scene uglier. Simply saying, "I did not mean to offend you" and leaving with the sushi would have been the dignified way to make your point and probably sent other guests scurrying after you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On several occasions, I have been on the receiving end of rather large favors. As a thank you, I try to give my benefactor some token of my appreciation, such as a couple of bottles of good wine or the like.

Most of the time the recipients' response is something like, "You didn't have to do that," to which I have no problem responding appropriately. But sometimes I get a "Thank you." It seems I am being thanked for being grateful and it feels wrong.

How does one respond to that? Should I get into the complicated task of trying to convey just how much the person's kindness has helped me out and how truly grateful I am for their friendship or just smile and let it go?

GENTLE READER: Fear of an endless cycle of thanks seems to be widespread. Yet Miss Manners assures you that it can halted with two simple words: "You're welcome." Even if you elaborate by repeating your gratitude, the exchange will peter out on the spot.

You were not thanked for your thanks; you were thanked for that bottle. Thanks must always be given for a present, and presents given with thanks are no exception. You wouldn't care to have the recipient grab your bottle and walk away without a word, or perhaps calling over his shoulder, "OK, now we're even."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend recently stayed overnight at my home. In the morning, I found out that he'd been ill all night with projectile vomiting and diarrhea. (I was sleeping peacefully in my own room.) Only when he came downstairs the next morning did I learn what had happened.

The violent part of the illness had passed, but we decided it would be best for him to see a doctor at the emergency room just to be sure. It turned out that he had a stomach bug or type of flu that was "going around." He was treated for dehydration and kept for observation for a couple of hours. When the nurses were satisfied that his stomach had settled, he was given a page of dietary instructions and allowed to go.

By then it was noontime, and he decided to drive home, but not before insisting that he pay for any expenses involved in "putting things right" upstairs.

After he left, I discovered that the wall-to-wall carpet in the guest room and hall was indeed seriously stained and smelly. Finally, I found a rug cleaner who agreed to come the next morning. He removed the stains, deodorized and disinfected the carpet.

I paid with a check and let my friend know how much the cleaning had cost. A perfect gentleman, he repaid me promptly.

A couple of friends have questioned the propriety of this transaction, saying I should have borne the cost of the rug-cleaning and that my friend should have sent a "hostess gift" instead of money. Although I feel confident that my friend and I are both comfortable with the arrangement we made, my friends have made me wonder about the etiquette of such situations. Is there a general rule, or is it relative?

GENTLE READER: There is a general rule in regard to guests who knock over a vase, spill a drink on the rug or clog up the sink. It is, as your friends say, that the guest tries to pay for the damage, the host refuses to allow this, and the guest writes a charming letter with a little present, by way of apology. When more serious damage is done, the guest is obliged to put up more of a fight, attending to the repair or replacement even after being overruled.

But this was no small, ordinary accident. We are talking here about spectacular damage of, Miss Manners has to say, the most humiliating, not to mention revolting, kind. If you ever hoped that your friend would be able to enter your house again without being overcome with fear and shame, you owed him a way of feeling that he had done something to eradicate the impression he left all over the guest room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one say to a friend who offers to sell one back one's wedding present? I gave her the gift some time before the wedding, which I was unable to attend. After the wedding, she approached me, said that she was unable to use my gift, and offered to sell it back to me. Suggestions for a civilized response would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: "This came with my good wishes. I don't know what you think they are worth."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a little disturbed about a new trend among some of my friends and colleagues -- a new duty for bridesmaids, especially maids and matrons of honors.

Many of my friends claim that one of the bridesmaids' duties is to write thank-you notes for the bride, as this takes a lot of responsibility off of an otherwise stressed and busy woman who has so many wedding details to attend to.

Did I miss something? I was a bridesmaid five times and never offered to do this! I am quite happy that no one offered to do so for me when I was a bride, because I find the new tradition a bit tacky. Although the bridesmaids are being thoughtful and doing something for the bride, I feel that the bride herself should take the time to write her own thank-you notes as a sign of her appreciation for the gifts. I personally do not want to receive a thank-you letter from someone other than the gift recipient.

After all, no one says the bride has to handle all of this responsibility solo. I did enlist some help -- from my groom, since he also received and benefited from the gifts. Please let me know if I am correct in being disturbed by this latest trend.

GENTLE READER: While they are at it, why don't they save the bride the trouble of writing little love notes to the bridegroom? Or take over the job of keeping him feeling loved while she is so busy?

The trend you mention -- Miss Manners prefers that you not dignify this revolting change by calling it a "tradition" -- is a steady increase in using bridesmaids as servants who needn't be paid and wedding guests as taxpayers who needn't be personally thanked. Why any of these people stand for it, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the process of changing my name for religious reasons. I am wondering what the proper way is to inform colleagues, friends, and family of my new name.

I do not want to interrupt them mid-sentence and say, "No, no, that is no longer my name." Rather, I would like a better way to correct them.

I am also concerned that there may be one or two people who will intentionally use my old name because of discomfort or out of wanting to be nasty. Could you give me advice for how to address such a situation, should it occur?

GENTLE READER: Changing a name in adulthood for whatever reason -- religion, marriage, divorce or to escape an outgrown or annoying nickname -- is never going to be easy. The name by which people have been thoroughly conditioned to associate with you is bound to pop up whenever they see or think of you.

Miss Manners does not deny that there may be people who misaddress you deliberately to show disapproval. But etiquette requires the presumption of good will until the contrary is proved -- and cherishes the hope that the ill-intentioned will take advantage of that cover.

So you should treat them all the same. Rather than correcting them, gently announce your name as if it must be news to them -- "I've changed my name. I'm now called...." Anyone who responds with a refusal to comply should simply be told, "Well, that's no longer my name."

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