DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend recently stayed overnight at my home. In the morning, I found out that he'd been ill all night with projectile vomiting and diarrhea. (I was sleeping peacefully in my own room.) Only when he came downstairs the next morning did I learn what had happened.

The violent part of the illness had passed, but we decided it would be best for him to see a doctor at the emergency room just to be sure. It turned out that he had a stomach bug or type of flu that was "going around." He was treated for dehydration and kept for observation for a couple of hours. When the nurses were satisfied that his stomach had settled, he was given a page of dietary instructions and allowed to go.

By then it was noontime, and he decided to drive home, but not before insisting that he pay for any expenses involved in "putting things right" upstairs.

After he left, I discovered that the wall-to-wall carpet in the guest room and hall was indeed seriously stained and smelly. Finally, I found a rug cleaner who agreed to come the next morning. He removed the stains, deodorized and disinfected the carpet.

I paid with a check and let my friend know how much the cleaning had cost. A perfect gentleman, he repaid me promptly.

A couple of friends have questioned the propriety of this transaction, saying I should have borne the cost of the rug-cleaning and that my friend should have sent a "hostess gift" instead of money. Although I feel confident that my friend and I are both comfortable with the arrangement we made, my friends have made me wonder about the etiquette of such situations. Is there a general rule, or is it relative?

GENTLE READER: There is a general rule in regard to guests who knock over a vase, spill a drink on the rug or clog up the sink. It is, as your friends say, that the guest tries to pay for the damage, the host refuses to allow this, and the guest writes a charming letter with a little present, by way of apology. When more serious damage is done, the guest is obliged to put up more of a fight, attending to the repair or replacement even after being overruled.

But this was no small, ordinary accident. We are talking here about spectacular damage of, Miss Manners has to say, the most humiliating, not to mention revolting, kind. If you ever hoped that your friend would be able to enter your house again without being overcome with fear and shame, you owed him a way of feeling that he had done something to eradicate the impression he left all over the guest room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one say to a friend who offers to sell one back one's wedding present? I gave her the gift some time before the wedding, which I was unable to attend. After the wedding, she approached me, said that she was unable to use my gift, and offered to sell it back to me. Suggestions for a civilized response would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: "This came with my good wishes. I don't know what you think they are worth."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a little disturbed about a new trend among some of my friends and colleagues -- a new duty for bridesmaids, especially maids and matrons of honors.

Many of my friends claim that one of the bridesmaids' duties is to write thank-you notes for the bride, as this takes a lot of responsibility off of an otherwise stressed and busy woman who has so many wedding details to attend to.

Did I miss something? I was a bridesmaid five times and never offered to do this! I am quite happy that no one offered to do so for me when I was a bride, because I find the new tradition a bit tacky. Although the bridesmaids are being thoughtful and doing something for the bride, I feel that the bride herself should take the time to write her own thank-you notes as a sign of her appreciation for the gifts. I personally do not want to receive a thank-you letter from someone other than the gift recipient.

After all, no one says the bride has to handle all of this responsibility solo. I did enlist some help -- from my groom, since he also received and benefited from the gifts. Please let me know if I am correct in being disturbed by this latest trend.

GENTLE READER: While they are at it, why don't they save the bride the trouble of writing little love notes to the bridegroom? Or take over the job of keeping him feeling loved while she is so busy?

The trend you mention -- Miss Manners prefers that you not dignify this revolting change by calling it a "tradition" -- is a steady increase in using bridesmaids as servants who needn't be paid and wedding guests as taxpayers who needn't be personally thanked. Why any of these people stand for it, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the process of changing my name for religious reasons. I am wondering what the proper way is to inform colleagues, friends, and family of my new name.

I do not want to interrupt them mid-sentence and say, "No, no, that is no longer my name." Rather, I would like a better way to correct them.

I am also concerned that there may be one or two people who will intentionally use my old name because of discomfort or out of wanting to be nasty. Could you give me advice for how to address such a situation, should it occur?

GENTLE READER: Changing a name in adulthood for whatever reason -- religion, marriage, divorce or to escape an outgrown or annoying nickname -- is never going to be easy. The name by which people have been thoroughly conditioned to associate with you is bound to pop up whenever they see or think of you.

Miss Manners does not deny that there may be people who misaddress you deliberately to show disapproval. But etiquette requires the presumption of good will until the contrary is proved -- and cherishes the hope that the ill-intentioned will take advantage of that cover.

So you should treat them all the same. Rather than correcting them, gently announce your name as if it must be news to them -- "I've changed my name. I'm now called...." Anyone who responds with a refusal to comply should simply be told, "Well, that's no longer my name."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment with four girls, and we had a birthday party for one of them. Each of us invited our own friends, and some of them came very early. The party was set to start at 9:30 or 10 p.m., and people arrived at 7:30 or 8!

I began to drink early, and by the time 11 p.m. rolled around, I was pretty much done for the night. I had seen a few of my friends, and they had left, so I left with a guy for a while, just to be with people I knew.

I forgot to take my phone, and apparently when I came back (an hour later), a few of my friends had stopped by. I feel awful, because I don't know which friends came by, and I haven't talked to anyone since.

I just found out that people were trying to find me that night, and I didn't even realize I was missed! I thought it would be OK to step out (because I was a bit drunk), but I wasn't there to greet my guests who I had invited!

What can I do now? I don't want to call every single person I invited and ask: "Were you at my apt party last weekend? I was gone and don't know if you came!!" Please let me know what I can do!

GENTLE READER: "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" is not Miss Manners' idea of an attractive excuse. Yet it is preferable to the deliberate decision to leave a party one hour after the time for which one has invited guests.

Presumably you know whom you invited to the party. Want to or not, you should call them and apologize, without whatever self-blame and self-derogatory humor you can muster.

Some will reply, "That's OK, I didn't get there anyway," in which case you can console yourself that they, too, were either drunk or rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was having dinner at a restaurant with my husband in the city in which we moved from about five years ago and excused myself to the ladies room. On the way there, I ran into a former co-worker whom I hadn't seen since I moved.

Of course, I said hello and that it was good to see her.

She then followed me into the ladies room (she had been on her way out) and kept talking to me about the happenings at my former place of employment.

I listened politely but felt a little strange about having a somewhat long conversation in the ladies room and wasn't sure how to put an end to the conversation. It seems fairly obvious why one goes to the ladies room, but she didn't seem to get the hint. So I just kept standing there listening, until she finally said that she had to get back to her table.

Should I have said something to end the conversation sooner? If so, what?

GENTLE READER: "I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me." Granted that this person seems oblivious to the situation, Miss Manners is confident that with a little effort, she will be able to figure out why you disappeared into a booth.

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