DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dancing salsa for more than 10 years, and most of my friends have as well. Either they were dragged into the scene through my own enthusiasm or I met them while dancing and we became friends. I have a 6-year-old daughter, and many of my friends have children of similar ages.

OK, so my daughter, whose birthday was this week, just switched to a new school and, as it turns out, the mother of one of the (very nice) kids in her class is also a salsera -- from way back -- with a history. She has slept with the husbands of well, like three female friends. One couple was dating at the time, another was married and I don't know the circumstances of the third. It's a VERY touchy issue.

So here's my question. THIS year we didn't invite any kids from my daughter's class, mainly because she had only been at that school a few weeks and didn't know them that well. BUT what to do with party number seven?

Having this woman at a party would make many people (men and women) uncomfortable. Should I invite whomever my daughter wants to invite from school, and let others know ahead of time and risk some of my closest friends "declining" an invitation?

I am prepared to put on my "big girl panties" in the interest of doing the right thing.

GENTLE READER: Oh, good. Miss Manners would not want you to be caught without them.

Your problem is easily solved by having your daughter invite her friends at the time, with your providing enough supervision that their parents need not attend. However, Miss Manners thanks you for all the interesting details you provided.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 23-year-old young lady who appears much younger and who recently moved from Iowa to Michigan to work as an intern. I've had several experiences where I addressed an older person by his or her first name, only to sense an awkwardness in the person's response.

When I asked my mentor/boss about it, he said an important way to show respect for an older person is to address them as "Mr." or "Ms." followed by their last name, and to continue to do so unless invited by them to use their first name. I was surprised to hear this, as I was raised to be respectful toward older adults but had never heard of this rule.

Following my mentor's advice feels really awkward, which may actually make things worse in my interactions with others. (If I'm ill-at-ease, they may assume I am insincere.) How can I know when to use this method and when not to use it, and how can I become more at ease using it?

GENTLE READER: Through practice. Meanwhile, Miss Manners asks you please to re-examine the reasoning by which you concluded that it is worse for older people to feel that you feel awkward than for you to make them feel awkward.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I thought I understood men's formal wear -- "white tie," "black tie," and so forth. But I was recently at a wedding where the men (apparently) wore formal wear, and I was flummoxed. Please help me.

This was an evening wedding, and I naturally expected that if the gentlemen wore formal wear, it would be what many call a "tuxedo" -- that is, a black suit with satin lapels, a satin stripe down the trouser leg, black bow tie, and either a cummerbund or a vest.

Not so! The male members of the wedding party wore black satin four-in-hand ties (not bow ties) and white vests.

Somehow, I thought this was "morning wear," or a type of morning coat (which I thought involved striped trousers and a gray-and-white striped tie). After 6 p.m., I thought proper etiquette required a bow tie. I was further confused when I checked a few formal-wear Web sites, all of which showed a great variety of jackets, trousers, and ties -- most of which were not bow ties.

Help! I now know what's available, but what is correct?

GENTLE READER: You don't watch the Academy Awards, do you?

Not, heaven forbid, that Miss Manners is suggesting that gala show-business events are the places to find out what is correct, or, for that matter, entertaining. Rather, they would alert you to a peculiar phenomenon that explains the incorrectness you have observed.

In the past few years, these folks seem to have reversed the dictates of clothing that had been in effect since the mid-19th century. And no, this has nothing to do with sartorial decency. Victorian ladies' evening dress was notoriously low-cut, and gentlemen were still wearing form-fitting trousers.

When people got sick of Georgian dandyness, it was tacitly agreed that ladies would be the show horses of fashion and gentlemen would provide sober relief. No longer vying to be outrageous, they hoped to be distinguished by the subtle excellence of their tailoring within strict and inviolable limits of design and color.

You can imagine how that goes over in post-Cary Grant Hollywood. Actors have been making pathetic little attempts to tweak their evening clothes, with results that are neither correct nor pretty. Meanwhile, actresses, tired of provoking merriment at their own taste, have handed themselves over to professional stylists who put them into the uniform of the day. So they will all appear in versions of, for example, the same slip dress with fish tail.

Etiquette is neither inspired nor intimidated by all this nonsense. The rules you recite remain in effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A bone of contention has arisen between my husband and me regarding seating of four couples at an oblong table. I say the host and hostess should sit at the head and foot respectively. My husband contends that seating should alternate male and female. This cannot work with eight people. Please settle this once and for all.

GENTLE READER: Once and for all, there are two legitimate schools of thought on this. The only difficulty arises when members of the opposing schools are married to each other. Miss Manners recommends investing in a round table.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister's husband is on the board of trustees of a local charitable organization. It is a first-rate operation and serves a worthy cause. I am upset, however, with how my brother-in-law solicits me for contributions.

I am a high school teacher, currently paying college and university tuitions for three people. Nonetheless, I donate somewhere around 8 percent to 10 percent of my income to charitable causes of my choosing.

My brother-in-law, who lives next door, has brought up the issue of my making a capital gift to his organization more than once in social settings in which I find it is impossible to get him to drop the subject. On Christmas Eve, he handed everyone envelopes stating a contribution had been made in our name to his charity. My envelope included a brochure and a pledge envelope.

I find this social aggression extraordinarily uncomfortable, and, as worthy as his cause is, I am progressively more disinclined to donate to his charity. He has certainly not been responsive to my polite demurring and attempts to change the subject. I have asked my sister to give him a clue to back off, but that has not worked either. Do you have any suggestions how to handle this problem in the future?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Try not changing the subject. You need to tell your brother-in-law plainly, but of course politely, what you have told Miss Manners: that you give what you can to charity and will not be contributing to his.

But there are two more things he needs to be told. One is that you do not discuss your personal finances, even with members of the family. And the other is that, in fact, you have already given to his cause, as he has kindly made that your Christmas present, for which you must thank him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I thought I'd share with you a "thank you" note I received last Christmas:

"Dear _____,

I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. Thank you for the bowl. I am not fond of blue; did it come in other colors?

If not, would you like to have it back?

Our home is rather full. In the future, gifts of wine or food would be appreciated. Thank you for understanding.

Love, ______."

Though tempted to gift this "friend" with a bottle of Blue Nun and a pound of Bleu Cheese this year, I decided simply to send a nice card. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

GENTLE READER: And did your friend like the card you sent her? Did it have a theme she approved? Were the colors used ones that she likes? Was it mailed when she thought it ought to be?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel an obligation to attend a certain goodbye party. I said I would attend. I also made reservations for a theatre event on the same evening.

Now I am wondering what is the least amount of time I can spend at the party without appearing to be rude?

GENTLE READER: While it is true that the purpose of the party is to say goodbye, slightly more is expected of a guest who has accepted an invitation. If it is a stand-up party, you need a pause of at least 90 minutes between that and the time you have said hello. If it is a seated dinner, Miss Manners is afraid that you need time to find someone who can use your theater tickets.

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