DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I received an invitation to a "Tree Trimming Party" for the son of a friend and his live-in girlfriend, being given by the young man's siblings. The couple have been together for almost two years and plan to marry sometime next year.

The invitation stated that all guests should bring ornaments to decorate the tree, specifying a specific brand of blown-glass ornaments that cost between $50 and $100 apiece.

A week before the party, one of the organizers called to ask if it was clear what type of ornaments to purchase. When I assured the caller that the intent of the invitation was crystal clear, I was told that we had better show up because anyone who didn't would be fair game for the gossip mill.

My spouse and I strongly considered making excuses. However, the family of the young man wields a great deal of social and political power in our community and to offend them could provoke unpleasant repercussions.

We attended (bearing the requisite ornaments) and were assured that this is just the first of many engagement parties and showers that will be held over the coming year since the young couple want to furnish their home in style.

Were we right to be offended by the tasteless invitation? Any suggestions on how to discreetly distance ourselves from the coming onslaught without incurring the wrath of the family?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners knew how to placate blackmailers without complying with their demands, she would be working in law enforcement. But surely everyone knows that compliance only invites more blackmail. You have even been warned.

Given the choice between sponsoring this couple's life and becoming the subject of gossip, Miss Manners would choose the latter. If word gets around that you refused to succumb to a shakedown that has terrorized the town, you may find yourselves heroes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an e-mail Christmas card (actually, a letter for mass distribution). The sender said that she was donating the price of the postage stamp to a charity. Do you have any comment?

GENTLE READER: Only the wish that this person will limit her philanthropy to making financial donations. In Miss Manners' opinion, someone whose idea of holiday warmth is to brag to her friends that she put to better use the cost of sending them greetings should not be oppressing the disadvantaged with her presence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our office Christmas party calls for "holiday casual" dress. Some of us have joked about wearing a t-shirt with a tuxedo print, or Santa Claus jammies with feet.

GENTLE READER: Go ahead, have a good time making fun of those made-up dress codes, which Miss Manners agrees are ridiculous. You are not the only ones looking at such puzzling instructions as "elegant leisure" and "festively informal."

But then, Miss Manners can afford to laugh, because she doesn't work in your office. Please let her know if you need instruction about proper job interview dress.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I recently accepted reality -- that without outside ?intervention, the kitchen, and especially the bathroom, were never going ?to receive the weekly attention they needed. We hired two women to ?do the work we can't seem to get done, despite the tiny apartment space ?we share.

But just before that, I had read that when one goes on vacation, thus ?negating the need for housekeepers, the housekeepers still need the ?money (more than us) and therefore, we should pay them for our weekly ?service, even though we won't be using their service.

I would have to ?have an extravagant vacation period to allow the costs to get serious; ?and quite frankly, I don't get that much time off. So it's not the ?money, but what is right? If I go away for two or three weeks, do I pay ?for each week, or make a token payment, or, what?

Also, where is the ?line between me cleaning for the housekeepers, and letting them do that ?for which they were hired?

Our agreement does not include dishwashing. I ?don't mind leaving a cup or two, and/or something else not requiring ?scrubbing, in the sink, but I will do my breakfast dishes before they ?arrive. I also try to get through the bathroom well before they ?arrive. I may not wipe down the tiles of the shower, or the sink, that ?morning, but neither will I subject them to any unpleasant aesthetics. ?

They are cleaning my apartment; they are not my mother when I was a ?child. I try to put papers and magazines away, or into recycling, and ?generally make the place ready for cleaning, not pick up.

GENTLE READER: That you understand that human beings make some kinds of messes that no one else should be expected to clean up for them is something that Miss Manners appreciates, as, no doubt, do your housekeepers. We need not go into specifics, she hopes. Less unappetizing chores, such as cleaning dishes, can be negotiated.

But if your idea is -- as it should be -- to provide a decent job, then you should be as fastidious about the work year as you are about each day. Decent jobs provide a reasonable amount of sick leave and vacation, which your housekeepers should have in proportion to the amount of time they work for you. And you should not have a lockout when you go on vacation. An alternative might be to have them come in then and do cleaning jobs that go beyond the weekly routine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a Christmas party that is sponsored by a co-worker's wife. I was not told until the tickets were handed to me that there was going to be a charge for them. Money is tight and I probably would not have accepted the invitation had I known it was going to cost me anything.

I feel as though I have been scammed. At this point, am I obligated to pay for the tickets or should I send my regrets immediately?

GENTLE READER-When a friend pulls such a thing, it is a scam, Miss Manners agrees. When the office party is run that way, it is only a scam if there was no advance notice and no tradition by which everyone understands that this will be a cooperative venture. It is time to cancel your reservation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's wife is very faithful in sending a greeting card for every occasion, which I appreciate very much. However, I have a small problem with the way the envelope is always addressed by her, e.g.: "Mrs. Jane and Tom Smith"

Why should I have a problem with my wife's name appearing ahead of mine on the outside of the envelope? Is this anything to get all bent out of shape about?

Greeting cards from other friends are always addressed with my name first, which seems to be the correct way -- correct me if I am wrong.

Should I ignore how the envelope is addressed and just be thankful that my name appears on it, or should I regard this as a subtle way of emphasizing that her relationship with me is incidental to that with my wife? I'm just guessing, but don't think I have ever given her cause to take offense with me personally.

We enjoy our friendship too much to jeopardize our relationship with this couple, and I have never made an issue of the matter with them. Am I just being overly sensitive over such a seemingly insignificant bit of trivia? I would appreciate a response, Miss Manners, let the chips fall wherever they may.

GENTLE READER: All right, here is one chip: The address this lady uses is wrong, but not because your wife is listed first. It should have been "Ms. Jane Smith/Mr. Tom Smith," granting you both titles and surnames.

Miss Manners realizes that your assumption that gentlemen should precede their wives is based on the "Mr. and Mrs." construction, which uses only the husband's name and therefore puts his title first. But in no other social situation does a gentleman not yield to a lady. The problem you encountered was that those who have abandoned the traditional form are inventing their own, and not doing a coherent job of it.

The other chip seems to be on your shoulder. People don't usually send Christmas cards with the purpose of making digs at the friends they enjoy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an elementary school teacher. During the holidays and other special days during the school year, I receive presents from many of my students.

However, many of my students are not in a position to buy gifts for me, and have expressed concern, dissatisfaction, and even guilt about it. I have let the students know that a handmade card, a handwritten note, or simply a, "Thank you" from them is the best gift for a teacher.

Would it be appropriate for me to let the students' parents and guardians know this as well? If so, any advice on the wording of such a notice will be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: This should be done, but it is best done with a school-wide policy. With the best intentions in the world, anyone who announces what she does and doesn't want is in the unpleasant position of showing that receiving presents and praise are on her mind.

Should you have to do it alone, Miss Manners suggests sending out a notice stating that you do not feel that you can accept presents from your pupils, however much you appreciate their intentions. (This has to be your blanket policy to avoid singling out those with financial difficulty.) Then you can add that in the past, some have taken the end of the year as an occasion to write appreciation for what they have learned -- and that you treasure such efforts.

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