DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's wife is very faithful in sending a greeting card for every occasion, which I appreciate very much. However, I have a small problem with the way the envelope is always addressed by her, e.g.: "Mrs. Jane and Tom Smith"

Why should I have a problem with my wife's name appearing ahead of mine on the outside of the envelope? Is this anything to get all bent out of shape about?

Greeting cards from other friends are always addressed with my name first, which seems to be the correct way -- correct me if I am wrong.

Should I ignore how the envelope is addressed and just be thankful that my name appears on it, or should I regard this as a subtle way of emphasizing that her relationship with me is incidental to that with my wife? I'm just guessing, but don't think I have ever given her cause to take offense with me personally.

We enjoy our friendship too much to jeopardize our relationship with this couple, and I have never made an issue of the matter with them. Am I just being overly sensitive over such a seemingly insignificant bit of trivia? I would appreciate a response, Miss Manners, let the chips fall wherever they may.

GENTLE READER: All right, here is one chip: The address this lady uses is wrong, but not because your wife is listed first. It should have been "Ms. Jane Smith/Mr. Tom Smith," granting you both titles and surnames.

Miss Manners realizes that your assumption that gentlemen should precede their wives is based on the "Mr. and Mrs." construction, which uses only the husband's name and therefore puts his title first. But in no other social situation does a gentleman not yield to a lady. The problem you encountered was that those who have abandoned the traditional form are inventing their own, and not doing a coherent job of it.

The other chip seems to be on your shoulder. People don't usually send Christmas cards with the purpose of making digs at the friends they enjoy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an elementary school teacher. During the holidays and other special days during the school year, I receive presents from many of my students.

However, many of my students are not in a position to buy gifts for me, and have expressed concern, dissatisfaction, and even guilt about it. I have let the students know that a handmade card, a handwritten note, or simply a, "Thank you" from them is the best gift for a teacher.

Would it be appropriate for me to let the students' parents and guardians know this as well? If so, any advice on the wording of such a notice will be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: This should be done, but it is best done with a school-wide policy. With the best intentions in the world, anyone who announces what she does and doesn't want is in the unpleasant position of showing that receiving presents and praise are on her mind.

Should you have to do it alone, Miss Manners suggests sending out a notice stating that you do not feel that you can accept presents from your pupils, however much you appreciate their intentions. (This has to be your blanket policy to avoid singling out those with financial difficulty.) Then you can add that in the past, some have taken the end of the year as an occasion to write appreciation for what they have learned -- and that you treasure such efforts.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lady and I made contact on an Internet dating site. My potential date and I exchanged 51 messages in two weeks with the conversation getting better and better as we got to know one another. After a typical message from me, suddenly there is nothing more from her.

After a couple days, I wrote to ask whether anything was wrong, but there is no reply. I still see her popping up regularly on a chat, so she is apparently alive and fine, but no, can't be bothered to issue even the slightest note message. Question is, am I owed any explanation?

GENTLE READER: Here are some explanations:

She told her husband she'd fallen in love with someone on the Internet, and after a huge fight, they reconciled and she agreed not to write to you again.

She is really a sixty-five year old man who has just retired and wants to write that novel he's always been talking about, so he's collecting material from lots of different people.

She met someone in the flesh.

Like any of these? Miss Manners thought not.

The comfort she wishes to offer you, such as it is, is that you really know nothing about this lady's life, and it is highly likely that her reason for breaking off your correspondence had nothing to do with you, and involves matters she has no wish to confide. And if it does have to do with you, any explanation will be even less pleasant. Miss Manners recommends moving on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am literally addicted to video games. I believe that if I had not given them up, I would have been fired. I gave myself carpal tunnel and have had to get rid of my CD-Rom so that I cannot have them in my apartment.

My best friend knows that I have cut out all video games, and yet he not only insists on giving me the games, he gave me his old computer because I told him I no longer have a CD-Rom. He is quite adamant about asking me about games. Contrary to your advice (before it was given), I made him promise not to give me any more games, because I just couldn't have them around. He promised, but still gives me games.

I am sure if I were an alcoholic he would not ignore my wishes, and this isn't as serious as a chemical addiction, but it is a real issue and I don't know what to do. I literally used to play for 12 hours a day. I just cannot have them around.

GENTLE READER: And you want this person around? Funny, Miss Manners has no trouble at all picturing him urging drinks on a friend he knows to be fighting alcoholism.

The usual rule against rejecting a present does not quite apply here. Where there is an assumption of good will, an unfortunate present should be disposed of quietly, without embarrassing the giver. But your best friend is not erring from ignorance: You have confided your weakness, and he is taunting you.

So this is a special case. Miss Manners still expects you to thank him, but you may do so stiffly, and you may add, "I'm delighted to be able to please others by passing these on. As you know, I can't have them around, and someone might as well enjoy them."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two issues -- my man friend staring at other women, when with me, and should he walk up stairs behind me? If so, is he checking out the rear? Help.

GENTLE READER: Help with what? Deflecting the gentleman's interest? Madam, please!

A gentleman should indeed, go up the stairs after you, and down stairs in front of you. The purpose is to give you something comfy to fall on, should you mis-step. And you surely will if you keep trying to check the height of his gaze.

However, when your friend is staring at other ladies, Miss Manners suggests a barrage of questions, none of which is "What are you staring at?" Or "Why are you checking out other women?"

Rather, these should be "Who's that? Do you know her? You must. No, wait a minute, do I know her? Help me -- have we met her?" With any day dreams thus blasted out of his head, he will come to consider that his habit is more trouble than it is worth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, I have given an annual Christmas party. It has grown more lavish every year.

It has been my custom to have a gift for everyone who showed up, invited or not. Most of the "regulars" have reciprocated, some of them lavishly. This has led to a ruinous escalation of generosity. While, in the early years, I might have given a pair of socks or a box of chocolates, lately I've been giving jewelry and crystal.

Last year, I hit my limit. I can't do it again this year; I have neither the time nor the money to shop for "perfect gifts" for people I only see once a year. I guess I could trim my guest list, and have only my closest friends over, but I also like most of my acquaintances. The ones I dislike, I will certainly trim from my list.

I can't give gifts to some of my guests, and not to others. What shall I do? Should I have one big, open house for everybody, no gifts allowed, and a small dinner for my intimates? Do you have a better idea?

GENTLE READER- Yes: taking an occasional sabbatical from giving an annual party. And not just in your case, where you have priced yourself out of your own market.

Annual parties can be charming for guests and hosts alike. "We love to have our friends in for Christmas Eve" or "We always go to the Montmorencys' for New Year's" is a cosy concept.

But then one year, the Montmorencys notice that they haven't heard from most of their guests from the time they left the last party until nearly a year later, when they didn't wait to be invited again this year before announcing that they would be there. It has become an entitlement for the guests and a chore for the hosts.

Miss Manners is by no means suggesting that you stop entertaining your friends -- only that you jolt them out of the habit you have established by giving a different party at a somewhat different time. You can, in all honesty, say, "We're not having our usual party this year," and then turn around and invite people for brunch, or for the last day after New Year's before everyone disperses -- or for Ground Hog's Day. If you later go back to giving Christmas parties, you will be more easily able to adjust the form.

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