DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three sons, two of whom are married and one about to be. If they come to dinner (invited or drop-in) at our house, is it appropriate for the "girls" to either sit at the table or exit the room with the guys while I am expected to clean everything up?

The guys feel they are guests and should not HAVE to clean up. I feel that this is a home, not a restaurant, and they should at least make the offer since I fixed all the meal.

I was raised to help out. Who is correct? Please don't put gender into this since the sons are mine. Most guys including mine hit the other room.

GENTLE READER: Don't put gender in it?

Sorry, Miss Manners didn't mean her voice to get that high-pitched. She will pull herself together and give your question a try in your terms.

Here is the situation as you related it:

You were brought up to help out. You did not bring up your three children to help you out. Now you allow them to get away with declaring themselves guests in your house (although with privileges of dropping in for a meal, which guests don't generally have) and to hit the other room, as you put it, while their mother does all the work. Your complaint is that this privilege has been extended to their mates.

Why do you object? Perhaps it is because these people were brought up the same way you chose to bring up your children. Or perhaps it is because as additions to the family, they are following your children's lead about what is expected in your household.

Please be so kind as to explain to Miss Manners why you question their behavior when you do not question the identical behavior in your own children. Oh, and don't forget to leave gender out of it, just as you instructed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I, a person with a number of food allergies, politely ask ?what is in an appetizer, meal, dessert, etc., in social situations?

I ?have tried the "Oh, it looks delicious ...what's in it?" approach; ?however, this does not always work. "Trust me, you'll love it," says ?a host eagerly waiting for me to take a nibble and agree.

GENTLE READER: As an advocate of discretion on the part of guests with food restrictions, Miss Manners has to admire your subtlety. She hates to admit that there is such a thing as being too subtle, but you seem to have achieved it.

The goal is to avoid undue demands on the host as well as medical emergencies, religious and ethical transgressions and, not least, excessive talk about food. Your host could have supposed that you were acting from mere culinary curiosity, which he is not obligated to satisfy.

The succinct response to "Trust me ..." should have been a pleasant but firm "Trust me, I do need to know. I'm allergic to ...." Followed, if necessary, by an equally pleasantly delivered, "You really don't want me to spoil this lovely party by your having to call the rescue squad."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted our family's Thanksgiving dinner for more than 30 years, and when it comes to sharing the leftovers, there is always an abundance of vegetables, breads and desserts, but never enough turkey.

I could never bring myself to say no, so I have come up with a simple solution that leaves everyone happy, including my husband: I cook two turkeys. One to share and one to serve.

The sharing turkey is cooked through the night, then completely carved the next morning. I place it all in a roasting pan with drippings in a warming oven while we eat. Each person comes with their own dish or plastic bag and helps themselves. It works beautifully for us and it might work for others with the same problem.

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to dispute a family arrangement that is, you say, working beautifully. But while she appreciates your desire to be useful beyond your family, she frankly hopes that there is not a wide need for such a solution.

On a day dedicated to feeling gratitude for one's blessings, has it become customary to squabble over the leftovers? Are people who have the honor and pleasure of attending a ceremonial feast entitled to feel aggrieved if they are not given a take-out meal as well?

If this is what things have come to, we might as well give up the misleading name of Thanksgiving and declare a national Gimme Day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wearing a sleeveless (though not strapless) wedding dress for my evening wedding. I am dying to wear opera gloves, but I hesitate because I do not know what do to during the exchange of rings. I recently read that the proper procedure is to unbutton the three buttons of the mousquetaire and neatly roll or fold back the hand of the glove, which may then be tucked into the wrist.

Is this correct? If so, can you please give some pointers on how this folding is done? I have searched in vain for a photo or drawing. Also, should the hand of the right glove also be rolled back to match? Should the hand or hands remain exposed in this manner during the remainder of the ceremony and reception, to show off my newly be-ringed hand? If both hands are exposed, am I still required to remove the entire glove while eating?

I have found a beautiful pair of vintage ivory kid leather gloves. If you will instruct me in the proper etiquette, I promise to wear them.

GENTLE READER: And you must promise to take them off when you eat. The fold-back compromise, which consists of turning the empty and therefore flat fingers of the glove back under the wrist part, is not incorrect. But the fastidious (among whom Miss Manners counts not only herself but anyone who throws around French glove terms) do not care for it. It makes for lumpy wrists.

The preferred traditional method for brides was to slit the palm-side seam under the ring finger so that the finger can wriggle out at the appropriate time and receive its ring. The glove is secured before and after by the cap on the fingertip. You may wear your gloves when receiving guests at the reception and when dancing, and even use the fold-back method for holding a drink.

But lumpy wrists are not the only reasons for removing them entirely when you eat. There will be your own desire, even more than others', to stare at the ring, not to mention the cost of cleaning food stains from kid gloves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a sophomore in college, working toward an Asian Studies major. Since I started learning Japanese and Chinese, I began taking notice of Chinese characters on T-shirts, tattoos and other places. I do not know all possible characters yet, but I do know many commonly used words and a few not-so-common ones that I've managed to recognize.

One day, I had a conversation with a nice lady who happened to have a tattoo on her upper arm. When I mentioned my major, she brought up the tattoo, but I quickly realized that the tattoo didn't say what she thought it did.

She told me it said "butterfly," but I knew it actually meant bird. I didn't point this out, but felt a little guilty for letting her continue to think it meant butterfly. Another time, a man told me the tattoos he had on his forearms said "love" and "hate." "Love" was correct, but instead of "hate" the character said "bad."

Sometimes I'll see shirts, occasionally very fancy ones, with entirely nonsense phrases on them. In one instance, there was a very large, muscular man walking around with the character for "woman" on his chest.

Also, I have seen some places that offer temporary tattoos whose listings are completely wrong (I have never been in an actual tattoo parlor), such as listing "heart" as "love" and vice versa, or writing "peace" with only one symbol (it's a two-character word, and the first character alone, as I often see it, just means "flat"' or "smooth").

I tried speaking to the manager of one place about this, figuring it better to get it straightened out with him rather than the people who buy the tattoos. I explained what was wrong and showed him examples from the pocket dictionary I have, but he said that it was the list they got from their supplier, and he couldn't do anything about it.

I know there's no tactful way to approach a stranger about this, but if I'm talking to someone, such as the lady I mentioned, is there any way to point out what I read the character as?

Can you please explain to your readers the importance of being sure what a character says before buying the shirt or getting it permanently etched into their skin? It's not very hard to find a reliable source: Many large bookstores offer Chinese or Japanese dictionaries.

GENTLE READER: The key word here is "before." While Miss Manners appreciates your desire to rescue people from the danger of being misread, your instinct about not correcting the would-be Madame Butterfly was even kinder. What exactly would you have expected her to do about it?

One rule about correcting others is that you do so only if the error is something that can be easily and immediately remedied -- the Spinach on the Tooth rule. Another is you not shame innocent people by demonstrating that you know more than they do, in this case, the customers.

Those who sell misleadingly are not innocent, and since they don't seem to care, you might direct your efforts to their suppliers. But even then, Miss Manners recommends proceeding with polite caution. She is given to understand that these are not always one-on-one translations, and correctors are notoriously in danger of encountering more knowledgeable correctors.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband's girlfriend miscarried her first pregnancy, and is now pregnant again. It is well known in the community that she was my husband's mistress prior to our divorce. What is the proper response to those who ask me how she is doing?

GENTLE READER: "Better than might be expected."

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