DEAR MISS MANNERS: Any rules on how to answer the phone when (thanks to caller ID) we know who's calling? Seems to me it can be offensive to answer by saying "Hi John," but it's downright dishonest to pretend to be surprised. Any way out of this dilemma?

GENTLE READER: You will forgive Miss Manners if she sees this as an etiquette question, not a moral dilemma. It is not a betrayal of principle to allow a caller to identify himself, and it is perfectly polite to say hello without sounding astonished. Besides, any surprise you may register at hearing from that person need not have worn off by then.

That said, the time is rapidly approaching when it will seem natural and reasonable to greet a telephone caller by name (presuming it is an individual telephone, not a shared one), just as it is to recognize a person who is standing at your door when you open it -- or look through the peephole.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father has a fast-moving case of Alzheimer's. It's absolutely devastating. In three years, he's gone from working in a high-tech job and being sought after both at work and in the neighborhood for his broad knowledge and expertise to not knowing where he's going to spend the night (and being fearful about the possibilities).

I've been struck by the extent to which social interactions matter to him. Dad might have forgotten many things, but he still knows how to observe social conventions, and this is an area where he can still succeed. What may seem like shallow small talk is the best Dad can manage right now, and for him it's a deep and affirming connection.

Unfortunately, most people shrink away from contact with Dad. In a way, it's understandable because contact with him does require accommodation. The people who do best with him (bless their hearts) are the ones who have good manners to fall back on.

Dad might not know who is greeting him, but he knows he likes to be greeted and have his hand shook while someone is looking him in the eye. He may be confused, but he knows when he's being treated like a child or treated as if he's not there. His feelings are more important now than ever because he can't balance them with reason.

Family members and friends are just about the least likely to treat Dad with warmth, I suppose because of the pain they feel at seeing the change in him.

Watching Dad has shown me, again, what a powerful place manners have in our lives. They provide an operating blueprint for many difficult situations. For anyone looking for advice on how to visit with someone suffering from Alzheimer's, I would suggest greeting them as if they were a stranger you wanted to make a good impression on. Let them take the lead on any topics that don't fall into the category of small talk. Act friendly, because the friendliness will matter more than anything you say.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners thanks you for making this extremely important point. Contrary to popular belief, manners are far from superficial. Once ingrained, they become part of people's humanity, as demonstrated by your father's retaining them when so much else has gone. That they can be a vast improvement on natural behavior is shown by the natural behavior of people who care for him and yet shun him, as opposed to those who have the courtesy to continue the relationship.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young lady in my first year of law school. Often when I tell people this, their response is to comment on the cost of tuition at elite schools and hypothesize on the number or amount of loans that I will have when I graduate.

These sorts of comments make me very uncomfortable, as I would rather not discuss my personal finances with people who I often have just met. Moreover, as I am in the fortunate position of being faced with virtually no debt coming out of school, I find that I have no response to their inquiries. I assume that Miss Manners would consider me responding with, "Don't worry because I'm filthy rich" bad manners.

I know that these sorts of comments are more often then not meant as off the cuff remarks intended more for the purposes of conversation than offense, but I have been brought up to believe that it is inappropriate to discuss finances with people whom one is not well acquainted with. Is it wrong to find these sorts of comments off-putting, and am I wrong to wish that people would not make such comments? Is there an appropriate way to deal with inquires about finances, other then a wry smile and an awkward pause?

GENTLE READER: If you dislike the unfiltered remarks people make when hearing that you are in law school, wait until you hear what they say when you are a lawyer.

Miss Manners is afraid that a great deal of casual conversation consists of the first things that pop out of the tops of people's heads without passing through the brain. Sort of like most e-mail.

Lawyer jokes are especially popular among those devoted to cliches, although every profession attracts its share of derogatory remarks. So perfecting the awkward pause might be useful.

Miss Manners recommends a mirthless smile, rather than a wry one. The corners of the mouth rise, but nothing else on the face moves. The pause created by not responding should be awkward only for the person who made the awkward comments.

However, if you feel you have to say something, here are two suggestions:

"Education is expensive, isn't it? I don't know why anyone bothers."

"You're so kind to worry about me. I think I'll manage, but I'll keep you in mind if I run into trouble."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother received a phone call from her late husband's brother's wife this week. She tells my grandmother that her husband would like the set of china back that he gave to my grandmother and grandfather as a wedding gift 60 years ago. He brought the china back from Germany while in the service, and he wants to give it to his children. He did not tell this to my grandmother directly, he had his wife tell her.

Is my grandmother (and everyone around her) correct in feeling that this is a rude request and a gift is a gift -- you don't get to ask for it back? Please shed some light on this subject.

GENTLE READER: It is a harsh light, Miss Manners warns you, and it reveals more etiquette violations than the one you mentioned.

Not only is it wrong to ask to have a present returned, but it is wrong to angle for an inheritance, and a premature one at that. Your grandmother should refuse to discuss any such thing by saying that she is still eating from these plates.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have begun to notice that the definition of the word "fiance(e)" is changing, and in my opinion, not for the better.

When I was growing up, the love of one's life whom one intended to soon marry was for a short period referred to as a fiance. Young girls dream of one day being engaged and for a brief period becoming someone's fiancee. My boyfriend became my fiance, and six months later he became my husband.

Now, however, it seems the term has become a catch-all for all sorts of uncommitted, open-ended relationships. Couples who have lived together for 10-plus years with no real intention of ever marrying refer to one another as "fiance(e)". Young couples who find themselves to be in the family way but out of wedlock immediately raise the status of their relationship from boyfriend and girlfriend to fiance and fiancee with no real wedding plans anywhere in the foreseeable future. I'm sure this is due to their desire for others to regard their relationship with more esteem, and I don't truly care what they want to call one another, but it's been an observation of mine and I thought perhaps you would have a comment.

GENTLE READER: Well, yes, Miss Manners has noticed that in newspaper articles, the unmarried father of five children who is on amicable terms with the mother is identified as her fiance. But if he beats her up, he is called her boyfriend.

Actually, long engagements were not uncommon in the past. But then the delay would be to accumulate enough money to support a household; now it is to accumulate enough money to support a week of wedding festivities. And then, the imminent arrival of a child would speed the wedding day; now it would delay it, so that pregnancy would not interfere with the bride's figure or zest for partying.

Or, as you point out, there may be no relationship between declaring being affianced and intending to be married. Still, when children are involved, Miss Manners finds it more stabilizing to use a word at least suggesting that degree of commitment. There is always the possibility that some time after the arrival of that fifth child, the couple will decide that they are sufficiently compatible to risk more of a commitment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently went to a fancy Italian restaurant, and along with bread before the meal, they also served olives on a plate. What is the proper way to eat these olives, and also how to get the pit out of your mouth, using a napkin?

GENTLE READER: Wouldn't you think that etiquette would countenance shielding unappealing -- but nevertheless permissible, not to mention urgently necessary -- eating actions behind a napkin? Consideration for others, and all that.

Well, it doesn't. Miss Manners imagines that this is because speculating about what goes on behind the napkin is more upsetting to other diners than actually seeing you cupping your hand against your mouth and quietly spiting the pit into it, which is the correct thing to do.

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