DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young lady in my first year of law school. Often when I tell people this, their response is to comment on the cost of tuition at elite schools and hypothesize on the number or amount of loans that I will have when I graduate.

These sorts of comments make me very uncomfortable, as I would rather not discuss my personal finances with people who I often have just met. Moreover, as I am in the fortunate position of being faced with virtually no debt coming out of school, I find that I have no response to their inquiries. I assume that Miss Manners would consider me responding with, "Don't worry because I'm filthy rich" bad manners.

I know that these sorts of comments are more often then not meant as off the cuff remarks intended more for the purposes of conversation than offense, but I have been brought up to believe that it is inappropriate to discuss finances with people whom one is not well acquainted with. Is it wrong to find these sorts of comments off-putting, and am I wrong to wish that people would not make such comments? Is there an appropriate way to deal with inquires about finances, other then a wry smile and an awkward pause?

GENTLE READER: If you dislike the unfiltered remarks people make when hearing that you are in law school, wait until you hear what they say when you are a lawyer.

Miss Manners is afraid that a great deal of casual conversation consists of the first things that pop out of the tops of people's heads without passing through the brain. Sort of like most e-mail.

Lawyer jokes are especially popular among those devoted to cliches, although every profession attracts its share of derogatory remarks. So perfecting the awkward pause might be useful.

Miss Manners recommends a mirthless smile, rather than a wry one. The corners of the mouth rise, but nothing else on the face moves. The pause created by not responding should be awkward only for the person who made the awkward comments.

However, if you feel you have to say something, here are two suggestions:

"Education is expensive, isn't it? I don't know why anyone bothers."

"You're so kind to worry about me. I think I'll manage, but I'll keep you in mind if I run into trouble."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother received a phone call from her late husband's brother's wife this week. She tells my grandmother that her husband would like the set of china back that he gave to my grandmother and grandfather as a wedding gift 60 years ago. He brought the china back from Germany while in the service, and he wants to give it to his children. He did not tell this to my grandmother directly, he had his wife tell her.

Is my grandmother (and everyone around her) correct in feeling that this is a rude request and a gift is a gift -- you don't get to ask for it back? Please shed some light on this subject.

GENTLE READER: It is a harsh light, Miss Manners warns you, and it reveals more etiquette violations than the one you mentioned.

Not only is it wrong to ask to have a present returned, but it is wrong to angle for an inheritance, and a premature one at that. Your grandmother should refuse to discuss any such thing by saying that she is still eating from these plates.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have begun to notice that the definition of the word "fiance(e)" is changing, and in my opinion, not for the better.

When I was growing up, the love of one's life whom one intended to soon marry was for a short period referred to as a fiance. Young girls dream of one day being engaged and for a brief period becoming someone's fiancee. My boyfriend became my fiance, and six months later he became my husband.

Now, however, it seems the term has become a catch-all for all sorts of uncommitted, open-ended relationships. Couples who have lived together for 10-plus years with no real intention of ever marrying refer to one another as "fiance(e)". Young couples who find themselves to be in the family way but out of wedlock immediately raise the status of their relationship from boyfriend and girlfriend to fiance and fiancee with no real wedding plans anywhere in the foreseeable future. I'm sure this is due to their desire for others to regard their relationship with more esteem, and I don't truly care what they want to call one another, but it's been an observation of mine and I thought perhaps you would have a comment.

GENTLE READER: Well, yes, Miss Manners has noticed that in newspaper articles, the unmarried father of five children who is on amicable terms with the mother is identified as her fiance. But if he beats her up, he is called her boyfriend.

Actually, long engagements were not uncommon in the past. But then the delay would be to accumulate enough money to support a household; now it is to accumulate enough money to support a week of wedding festivities. And then, the imminent arrival of a child would speed the wedding day; now it would delay it, so that pregnancy would not interfere with the bride's figure or zest for partying.

Or, as you point out, there may be no relationship between declaring being affianced and intending to be married. Still, when children are involved, Miss Manners finds it more stabilizing to use a word at least suggesting that degree of commitment. There is always the possibility that some time after the arrival of that fifth child, the couple will decide that they are sufficiently compatible to risk more of a commitment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently went to a fancy Italian restaurant, and along with bread before the meal, they also served olives on a plate. What is the proper way to eat these olives, and also how to get the pit out of your mouth, using a napkin?

GENTLE READER: Wouldn't you think that etiquette would countenance shielding unappealing -- but nevertheless permissible, not to mention urgently necessary -- eating actions behind a napkin? Consideration for others, and all that.

Well, it doesn't. Miss Manners imagines that this is because speculating about what goes on behind the napkin is more upsetting to other diners than actually seeing you cupping your hand against your mouth and quietly spiting the pit into it, which is the correct thing to do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I moved to a small town three years ago, I have had the good fortune to have made many, many friends and acquaintances through work, fundraising groups, professional associations and church.

I am happy to be so popular, but I find that I tend to get invited to every wedding/baby shower that comes along. Many times, I only know the person casually (we don't get together socially, only interact though our organization).

I am single and on a tight budget. At the last baby shower I attended (for a woman I didn't know that well from my youth group at church), I felt embarrassed that I could only spend $15 on a gift, when all the other women (with big double incomes) could afford entire playsets, strollers, etc.

I have been invited to another shower in two weeks for another woman in my church that I don't know at all. I was one of only eight people invited. I have $30 in my checking account that needs to last two weeks.

Should I attend and not bring a gift? Offer to help in some other way? Or make up an excuse and skip it?

Many of these women have two to three showers, one for church, one for family and one for friends. This is the eighth shower to which I have been invited, and I am getting bled dry. Not to mention that after the obligatory thank you card, I usually never hear from the person again.

GENTLE READER: So far, you haven't mentioned any friends. A friend would be someone you have gotten to know and like well enough so that, for example, you rejoice that she is expecting a baby. And someone who likes you well enough to treasure any token present you gave her.

Participating in financial competitions to honor near-strangers does not constitute friendship, and frankly, does not sound like much fun, either, if you ask Miss Manners. The solution to your problem is to decline any such invitations with thanks and congratulations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a walking routine which I love, where I pass five times the same places. Now, with the nice weather, I often walk by elderly people sitting on their porches. How often do I have to acknowledge them?

I would like to say a hello the first time I pass and goodbye on the last round, but there is one person in particular who says something to me every time I pass his house. Is it necessary for me to respond every time? I feel guilty when I do not, but at the same time, I enjoy my privacy and my own thoughts. Is twice enough?

GENTLE READER: You are not walking fast enough. By the time a neighbor spots you and says something, you should be out of earshot.

This is not to say that Miss Manners wants you to ignore these people. She is just trying to protect you from getting caught. If you wouldn't mind lifting a hand in greeting, you should be able to get away without breaking your pace.

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