DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am thinking of purchasing a diamond ring. What are the etiquette rules as to the hand and finger on which I wear the ring? And is it an etiquette faux pas to buy myself a ring that is generally associated with engagement and marriage?

I love my boyfriend dearly but we have no plans to become engaged or marry, and I don't want a jewelry purchase to prompt others to pry into our relationship.

GENTLE READER: Is a sparkle on the hand worth having an elephant following you around?

Miss Manners acknowledges that there are times when a diamond ring is just a piece of jewelry, and a lady can buy one for herself without exciting any more comment than an occasional compliment. Worn on the right hand, it should not be mistaken for an engagement ring.

But you are in love and not planning to marry. Do you think for one moment that everyone you know will refrain from zeroing in on your diamond ring and asking when the wedding will be? (No doubt they do already, the nosy things, but this will reopen the subject.) And if you deny it, they will assume you are equivocating.

Furthermore, the elephant will show up when you and the gentlemen think you are alone. Even if you manage to refrain from asking him how he likes it, the thought will occur to him that it is intended as a reproach.

So the answer is that buying yourself a diamond ring is not an etiquette faux pas, except in that it will encourage nervousness in at least one person and nosiness in many others. Perhaps a more attractive answer would be rubies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a breakfast party at the end of Yom Kippur, I came late because I wanted to wait until services were completely over -- three stars in the sky. Many of the other guests had come earlier and had eaten.

I had fasted and made a plate for myself and sat down at a table consisting of people I knew, who had already eaten -- and didn't fast in the first place. I was starving. I was just about to take a bite out of my lox, bagel and cream cheese, when someone at the table asked me a question; "What happened at the Smith's party you were at last week?"

It's not the kind of question you can answer with a few words, and I was really, really hungry. I answered their question and the subsequent questions, but finally said, "Just let me take a bite of this delicious bagel." What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Taken a bite of that delicious bagel. Under special circumstances, the conventional signal for "Just a minute, my mouth is full" (forefinger raised, face composed in a regretful smile) can be invoked in anticipation of the fact. Considering the occasion, Miss Manners would expect your questioners to understand, but you could take the precaution of murmuring, "Let me just break my fast" on the way to your bagel.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Thirteen months ago, I had a seizure that resulted in several skull fractures and injury to my brain. I have had many trying times and challenges during my recovery and have done well in handling those. But as I get back into my job (a chef) and my social life, a problem has flared up.

I have lost my sense of smell and taste. I don't find this to be problematic at work, as I know that I am secure and good at what I do, and when I need a taster there are plenty of volunteers to help me. It becomes a difficulty when I am invited to a friend's house for dinner or when we go to a restaurant for a meal.

My friends know of my disability and understand that I cannot tell them how wonderful a meal tasted. But when I am at a dinner party hosted by someone who doesn't know me, it becomes awkward when the meal is finished. I give compliments on the great presentation, the textures of the food, how great it was to be invited for dinner, but it always comes down to avoiding the issue of how the meal tasted.

This is something people expect to hear when they have invited a chef to dinner and people take it the wrong way when a chef avoids telling them how the food was -- good or bad. Sometimes I overhear the hostess making comments about my not commenting.

If I get into explaining my disability, it brings up questions that I really do not wish to answer, such as "How can you be a chef if you can't taste your food?" This is going to be a lifelong disability for me and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Did you not realize what was going on in such situations before you acquired your disability?

Miss Manners has no doubt that your hosts expected and relished your comments. But not, she dares say, to hear whether you found the food good or bad. You didn't really tell friends who had invited you for dinner that you had suffered through a bad meal, did you?

Whatever compliments you offered, however guarded, they took as proof that they had earned accolades from a professional chef speaking impartially. Furthermore, Miss Manners regrets to say, they balanced this with the idea that when you spoke critically of the food at a restaurant, there might have been an element of professional jealousy.

Miss Manners' point is that you should always have been excusing yourself from pronouncing judgment on the cooking of friends. She recommends declaring happily, "I'm so happy to enjoy a delicious meal without having to analyze and evaluate it."

"Delicious" sounds like a judgment and will satisfy them at the moment. If repeated, however, it sounds like the sort of thing every polite guest would say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the difference between "Excuse me" and "Pardon me"?

GENTLE READER: "Excuse me" is the polite way of acknowledging that you are inconveniencing someone else. "Pardon me" is the polite way of pointing out that someone else is causing you inconvenience.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last month I attended a wedding in the south of France as the guest of one of the bride's friends. (The bride and groom are acquaintances of mine.) After the travel plans were already booked and paid for, the bride advised my friend that, although I could attend all the other activities around the wedding, she would have to "uninvite" me to the reception in order to save money unless one of her "A-list" guests could not attend.

Right after the wedding ceremony at the church, the bride's father told me that her cousin and his wife could not come, and insisted that there would be a place for me. (The wedding couple was occupied with greeting guests and taking photos, and couldn't be consulted at that time.) However, at the reception two of the groom's cousins showed up with uninvited dates, so the bride asked me to leave, which I agreed to do graciously, although I was both hurt and humiliated. She even left me to my own devices to find a telephone to call a local cab company. (Fortunately, one of the guests witnessing my dilemma kindly made the call on his cell phone.)

I feel the bride was tacky, rude and ungracious, and could have asked the on-site wedding coordinator to accommodate one more guest; my friend insists that what she did was within reason and stayed at the reception. What is your take on this? By the way, the bride was more than happy to take my wedding gift.

GENTLE READER: This is the sad result of two badly thought-out innovations now common to the modern wedding.

One is the Guest Once Removed, who is not someone that the bridal couple or their families particularly want to have and may not even know. But they have ceded a slot to each of their single guests to bring their own guests.

The other is the Make Our Wedding Your Vacation plan. Rather than being married where they or their parents live, they choose a vacation spot and have as guests not necessarily those closest to them, but only those who are able and willing to spend their vacation time and money to travel there, too.

Under ordinary circumstances, Miss Manners has little patience with single people who claim they would not enjoy weddings without companionship of their own choosing. If they have no pleasure in seeing their friends married and meeting their families and other friends, why attend at all?

But if they are to devote days instead of hours to the event, it is different. Even Miss Manners does not expect them to vacation alone.

And if there are to be Guests Once Removed, gracious -- no, not just gracious, but decent -- hosts refrain from making them feel they have second-class status. Miss Manners would hardly expect a bride to leave her wedding reception to call anyone a taxi, but there would have been no necessity to do so had she behaved properly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a luncheon riding on this. I say that a lady should always follow behind the host or hostess first to a table in a restaurant. My friend says that if it is a host the lady follows first, but if it is a hostess the gentleman follows first. Please settle this for us.

GENTLE READER: You are correct; the gentleman goes ahead only if there is no host or hostess and he must lead the way. Miss Manners is afraid your friend expects ladies to pay far too much attention to the genders of restaurant personnel.

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