DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are taking a vacation to England this fall, and I have a tiara I wore with my prom dress. What places can I wear it out in England? I know they use them a lot there.

GENTLE READER: No, not a lot. Not nearly as often as Miss America wears hers, for example.

Elderly British duchesses have been known to get fed up waiting for an opportunity to wear theirs, despairing that when their saucy daughters-in-law inherit them, they will pluck out the gem stones to use for heaven knows what. Probably belly-button decorations.

This is because tiaras are worn only for full dress occasions, which nowadays pretty much means only grand state banquets or ceremonies, and the occasional full-scale royal wedding. Perhaps Miss Manners had better explain that full dress means something more than prom wear and the full-scale wedding means something more than a royal second wedding you may have seen on television. In any case, the days of private balls and grand opera nights where tiaras were worn seem to have faded away. Furthermore, tiaras are not supposed to be worn by unmarried ladies, with the exception of those who are being married within an hour of placing them carefully in their hair.

Miss Manners hopes she hasn't spoiled your vacation. You may find there a daring young lady or two who doesn't care about the rules governing tiaras as a sign of rank and wealth and plops something sparkly in her hair to go out dancing. It is just that you are no more or less likely to do so than in the United States.

Besides, tiaras are a nightmare to pack.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to people who ask when my boyfriend and I will become engaged?

GENTLE READER: "We haven't set the date."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out about my surprise 40th birthday party within days of my wife, sister and friends planning it.

My wife made the mistake of saving the invitation on our computer; being a computer guy and seeing a strange file, I opened it. If I tell everyone how I found out, my sister and others may get mad at my wife for making the mistake.

What should I do? Do I tell them I know or play dumb to the end?

GENTLE READER: Of course you should play-act. That is what it takes, under any circumstances, to be the guest of honor at a surprise party.

Even if you didn't know about it beforehand, you would have to maintain an astonished look on your face for the entire duration of the party, while one guest after another asked if you were "really" surprised. Even if you fainted dead away at the door, all the guests would ask you during the course of the evening if you were really surprised.

The correct answer to that is yes. Miss Manners presumes that you were surprised when you came upon the invitation in the computer, and you needn't be specific about the timing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife insists on sending out birthday/anniversary cards exactly two ?days before the event, hoping it gets there on the very day. Many times ?it arrives late, because no one can predict how long it takes the USPO to deliver a letter.

I prefer to send it four or five days early, to be sure it gets there BEFORE the event. I believe a late-arriving card is inconsiderate, suggesting I didn't care enough to send the card on time.

My wife believes an early-arriving card says "I don't care much about you. I just send these cards out ?whenever," meaning, I didn't take enough thought to get the card to you on the very day of the event (which, I believe, is impossible without using overnight delivery).

Am I right to be embarrassed by the late-arriving cards she sends, with my name on them? Is there anything wrong with a birthday card arriving a few days before the birthday? That's how we deliver wedding/birthday/Christmas presents.

GENTLE READER: There is something wrong -- no, just sad -- about the two of you speculating on the number of ways that your friends will hate you for sending them your good wishes. Sending cards is not the usual way of letting people know you don't care about them.

If Miss Manners had to choose, she would favor getting them there before the date, rather than after. But she would also choose friends who did not take insult when kindness was intended.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking toward the entrance of my condominium carrying a pile of loose uniforms as another older lady approached at the same time. She stopped several feet from the door, fumbling through her purse for her keys. I already had my keys in my hand, so I unlocked the door, walked in but still held the door open for her with my one free hand. She said thank you. Two seconds later, as she followed me, she yelled loudly, "You're welcome!" She was obviously mad that I didn't say "you're welcome."

I always say thank you to anyone who holds the door for me, but I never require anyone to stop and turn around (especially when someone was carrying tons of items) and formally acknowledge the fact that I said thanks. Many times, a smile, a nod, or an uh-huh is given but even then, I don't expect anything. I open a door because it's the nice thing to do. I don't expect thanks (and sometimes I don't even get it) or an acknowledgement of the thanks. Did I make a mistake by not acknowledging?

GENTLE READER: Not as big a mistake as she did. Trying to teach manners by being rude is as unpleasant as it is futile. Miss Manners has never yet heard of someone who was humiliated into reforming in the hope of pleasing the stranger who caused that humiliation.

But rude would-be reformers keep trying. The particular method practiced on you is more often directed at those who neglect to say thank you -- a fat, dripping "Well, thank you" is said by the person who should have been thanked. Whichever way, it doesn't work.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While recently visiting a local "cruelty-free" organic grocery store, I was treated in a shocking manner by a cashier.

I have only recently returned from living in Japan, where we customarily put our full shopping baskets on the counter prior to checking out. Evidently, I neglected to read a notice placed nearby notifying me that I needed to empty my basket. I said to my 10-year-old son, probably in a Mommy voice, "I think I'll just put this basket up here since it's so heavy."

The cashier then snapped at me (mimicking my Mommy voice), "Well, I guess I'll just UNPACK the basket." (I had been planning on unpacking it myself, actually.) When I apologized, she berated me in a loud voice saying, "It's just so much easier if you unpack the basket."

I again apologized and offered to go to a different cashier. By this time my own voice was far from calm.

I decided to just shut up, pay and get out of there. And never shop there again. Should I have complained to the manager or openly berated the cashier in turn?

I was so shocked I literally was about to cry. In Japan people are so polite and kind, even if you are new in town and make mistakes. It actually occurred to me that this person might have had some sort of mental illness and was hired there on some special program, and I might have to endure even more humiliation if I were to complain.

I wonder what I should have done or not done. I generally consider myself a gentle, polite person, who doesn't talk down to cashiers.

GENTLE READER: Good. Because berating cashiers is just as rude as berating customers. Maybe worse, because the customer has some recourse.

This is not to match or outdo the offender with a counterattack, but to report the incident to the manager. It would have relieved your indignation, and a conscientious manager would want to know why the business is losing a customer. And you should leave your speculations about mental health out of it.

What Miss Manners would have been tempted to say is, "Isn't this supposed to be a cruelty-free store? Then why do you allow your cashier to mimic and ridicule the customers?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has a very large extended family (both his mother and father have 12 brothers and sisters, who have myriad children and grandchildren of their own). They all live in another part of the country.

Several times a year, we receive announcements in the mail for graduations, births, weddings, etc. Most of the time I don't have any idea who the person is, and my husband often seems to be only slightly less perplexed: "I think that may be my Uncle Steve's granddaughter?"

I don't usually feel obligated to send a gift, but should I send a note of congratulations? Because we know little about the people, I would only be able to write, "congratulations, good luck, etc." However, if it is rude for me to let the announcement go by without a reply, I'll cheerfully get out the pen and paper.

GENTLE READER: Please do. It won't take you all that long to write simply, "We appreciate your letting us know and we wish you all the best." Even many times over.

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