DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I went out with several girlfriends to a dinner and a movie. We split the bill, which was double what my order was since I didn't have drinks, no problem.

Then we headed to the movies and found our seat. I never buy anything at movie theaters because I think it's way too expensive, but my friends went out and bought a huge tray of stuff. When the one woman went to take her seat, she asked me to hold the tray. I waited for her to take it back after she was seated, but she seemed to want me to be a "table."

I shifted positions, and the popcorn spilled all over. It was piled on top of other things, and was at a slant. If I would have reached for it I would have dropped everything.

Should I have then paid for the popcorn I spilled? They asked me to replace it, and I just sat there in a huff and said it wasn't my fault. After all of them had finished their popcorn, they wanted me to then hold the remains, too, which I declined. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: Is there a step missing here? After they finished what popcorn?

Did you give in and buy them more? Did they buy it themselves? Or did they eat the spilled popcorn from the floor?

Never mind; Miss Manners has a more pressing question: What sort of friendship is this? Suppose she were to dictate exactly who should pay for what? Would that leave all of you enjoying one another's company in a spirit of tolerance and good will?

Here are the sorts of things friends can say in a perfectly good-natured way under these circumstances:

"Let's change places so you can both get at the popcorn."

"Whoops, sorry. But I tried to get you to take it back."

"Take it out of the extra money I put into the lunch bill, because I didn't have drinks."

But that presumes a spirit of friendship characterized by tolerance, fairness and even generosity. If all of you had that, you could have said, "Sorry, let me get you some more," with the confidence that your friends would have replied, "Don't be silly, we'll get it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dearest and oldest friend came for dinner the other night, along with other invited guests. It was a pleasant occasion with interesting conversation -- until her cell phone rang its little rumba melody. She answered and proceeded to chat -- totally causing all discussions to come to a screeching halt. Dinner resumed, and a short time later, the cell again rang. Please do advise me how to gently but firmly ask that a cell phone be far away from our dining room table.

GENTLE READER: It appears that your dearest and oldest friend would rather talk to anyone than to you. Nor does she have any qualms about ruining your dinner party.

Why you would invite her back, Miss Manners cannot imagine. But if you should, take the precaution of asking whether she would be free then, or on call. Should she admit to being available for calls, you should tell her you will invite her another time, when she is free. And should she go ahead and take calls at your table, you should get up and take her gently by the elbow and steer her into another room.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was at the swimming pool the other day, a lady came to me and asked lots of questions and then said, "I am a Realtor and if you want to sell your house, I can do it."

I was so offended! I said something but not good enough and it has left me boiling inside. Every time someone gets a Realtors license they come to me and say, "If you want to sell your house...."

It feels to me like they take a knife and stab me in my stomach right there. How should I tell them nicely "You are crazy. Why would I sell my house to a rude stranger; who has the guts to be so blunt as to ask me to give my house in your hands; and how dare you imply that my house is not good enough to live in it anymore; and imply that I was stupid to buy the house I live in right now?"

GENTLE READER: Hold on a minute, please. Miss Manners must have gotten water in the ears when she was in the pool, because she missed that stream of insults directed at your house.

How odd that you have encountered a real estate agent -- and apparently more than one -- who declares your house unlivable and yet yearns to sell it; who tells you that you were stupid to buy it and yet is confident that others would do so.

Even so, would this be comparable to being stabbed with a knife? Or could it be that you are inflating an annoyance into a crime in the hope that the punishment will increase proportionally?

The annoyance is to have someone approach you in a recreational setting with a commercial overture. The appropriate punishment is merely to cut off the discussion by saying coldly, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested," and henceforth to avoid this person both personally and professionally.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My future sister-in-law is pregnant with her first. Every time she is around, all she seems to be able to talk about is her baby. There isn't a time that goes by without her saying something like, "The music is too loud for the baby. Don't say that in front of the baby. I can't eat that because of the baby."

She also comes up with strange rules that almost seem as though she is making them up. She says she can't bowl, sit in a jacuzzi, or be around cats because of the baby. Forgive me for not knowing if these are true, I don't have children of my own.

I have begun to excuse myself when she is in the room for fear that I will lose my mind. I understand her excitement and need for precautions, but she has recently begun to call me out on leaving the room. I'm running out of excuses! How can I politely tell her that I'd like to talk about things other than the baby?

GENTLE READER: Such as what? Your wedding plans?

Miss Manners is afraid that it is one of the duties of relatives to bear with those who are overexcited at certain stages of their lives that do not, you will be relieved to hear, last forever. You are therefore free to jump in, at the first pause, and say, "What do you think of cerise for the bridesmaids' sashes?" but not to allow your future sister-in-law to know that you find her a bore.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please describe the proper way to eat escargot that is served in the shell. I was supplied with a seafood fork and specialized tongs, but I was unsure how the tongs were to be used.

GENTLE READER: Mmmmm. Garlic butter. Mmmmm.

Wait. Miss Manners is not supposed to get emotionally involved with the food. Her job is to get it into your mouth without incident. So of course that is the source and the extent of her interest in your garlic butter, which smells so good.

In contrast, the snail is wallowing in it, probably way down on the innermost curve of the shell. He is counting on your spilling melted butter all over yourself and ending the pursuit to repair the damage to your clothes.

You have the equipment to outwit him. Take the tongs in your left hand (left-handers reverse directions), using them to grab a shell, but being extremely careful to keep the shell vertical. You must hold it steady while you take up the fork with your right hand and dig into the recesses of the shell, slowing bringing its occupant out of its safety zone. You can then tilt the shell very slightly to drizzle butter over your catch before plopping it into your mouth.

Miss Manners apologizes if this sounds ruthless. Our excuse is that we only do it for the garlic butter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know there is a rule about not answering your cell phone when you are having a conversation with a friend. Is there a similar rule for instant messaging?

I was chatting with my boyfriend tonight when I realized he was taking too long in replying. Then he told me he was also having a conversation with his ex, whose birthday was today and who had just showed up online.

I felt it was rude of him to have a conversation in which I was not allowed to participate, so I excused myself and left so they could chat in peace.

We discussed the whole thing later. He insisted I was being immature about it, because I was demanding his undivided attention to me. He thinks I should have been more generous about it, instead of being jealous. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Lucky for your beau that it happened to be your predecessor with whom he was text-messaging. Otherwise, he would not have been able to distract you with the charge of jealousy.

Miss Manners is particularly impressed with the way he twisted the meaning of "his undivided attention." It came out sounding as if you expected him to concentrate on you to the exclusion of all other people. Quite a different matter from whether he should listen when you are in the act of talking to him.

The rule that you recognize was not made exclusively for cellular telephones, which are, as you may or may not realize, of comparatively recent origin. It refers back to the fact that it always has been -- and always will be -- rude to snub people who are addressing you.

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