DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend usually issues casual party invitations via both e-mail and livejournal. Unfortunately, he includes the phrase "complete strangers welcome" on the online diary portion and is very open about providing his name and address to anyone who requests it.

I realize that he may have established dialogue with these people over the course of time, and trusts that they aren't utterly heinous, but I and my fiance are deeply uncomfortable about attending parties of this nature (especially since my fiance -- who is quite shy -- isn't entirely comfortable with my friends yet, let alone potentially large groups of strangers).

Is there a gentle way I can ask my friend not to invite random strangers upon occasion, as he is clearly upset each time I turn down this kind of invitation?

Should I even explain why I am declining? Or shall I simply host get-togethers at our home (which, unfortunately, is much less spacious and guest-friendly than my friend's home) when I wish to see my friend?

GENTLE READER: How many crimes is it going to take before people stop dismissing etiquette's requirement of a proper introduction as prissy and ridiculous?

Or even an improper introduction. Miss Manners prefers that the order and wording be correct, but the underlying point is that while there are never guarantees about character, the odds are better when the person is known to someone you trust. At least the odds of being able to give the police that person's real name.

So while you cannot tell your friend whom to invite, you can admit to being worried about exposure to total strangers, both for yourselves and on his behalf. If he argues the point, you should say, "I'm afraid that's the way we feel. We worry about your safety. But we are always happy to see you and to meet people you know."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 25-year-old in my final year of a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in film and media studies and anthropology. Having left a corporate career within project management to pursue this line of study, I am often asked either "why?" or of "the practical value" of my courses outside of an academic setting.

Although I always give a sincere response, explaining that documentary filmmaking is what I see as my true calling, the frequently snide and judging manner in which the question is asked (usually by former business associates) often makes me feel disempowered.

As I wouldn't dream of returning such perpetual cruelty by rolling my eyes and walking off, do you have any advice for how to politely respond in such situations?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners recommends your breaking into a wide smile, as if the question reminded you of something very pleasant, and saying simply, "We shall see."

This actually means nothing more than that you don't yet know what your education will lead to in the way of a career. But if you say it happily enough, and refuse to elaborate beyond repeating "We shall see," they will be left wondering what is in the works that pleases you so. The brighter ones will come to the uneasy realization that perhaps they should stop sneering now in case they will want to drop your name in the future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few nights ago, my husband and I went out to try a new Italian restaurant. When our food arrived, waiter one set down my plate then set down my husband's. Not five seconds later, waiter two arrived, asking, "Would either of you care for some fresh ground pepper?"

I said, "Let me just take a quick taste first." (I took a small bite, chew chew chew.) "No thank you, I'm fine without pepper."

Now my husband says I was rude to the waiter for making him wait. I say the chef went to all the trouble of preparing a nice dish, I should at least try it before adding any seasonings.

We've agreed to abide by your ruling: Was it rude to ask the waiter to wait?

GENTLE READER: You mean because that is his job description? But there is waiting and waiting. His job is to wait on you, not to wait for you.

By now, your husband probably thinks that he has won, but Miss Manners is going to disappoint him.

You were actually cooperating with the waiter, who was wielding the pepper mill so that he could do his job properly. This task is not to go around mindlessly spraying the food of everyone who doesn't say no quickly enough. It is to ensure that the food is seasoned to each diner's taste. It is therefore reasonable, as well as polite, to check first whether it is already to your taste.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman I thought was my friend lost her husband about two months ago. They had tickets to an event I was dying to see, but we just didn't have the connections she did, I guess.

Then after Tony died I figured she wouldn't ?be going. I called her and told her I knew it wouldn't be the same going by herself so, rather than waste the tickets, my George has a tuxedo. She seemed ?to appreciate my offer and said, "And you are volunteering George?"

I went to a lot of trouble to get ready. I had my hair, nails and everything ?done. George rented a tux. When we went by her place to pick up the tickets, there she was in an evening dress. She thought I was going to let her date my husband!

Instead of saying she was sorry for the mix-up, she said that ?since she was going to be putting the extra ticket at the box office in case ?somebody needed it, she'd better leave. Then she put us out the door.

George ?says the polite thing would have been to let him just escort her. HA! I know ?how widows are. Inasmuch as she didn't have the good grace to let us use the tickets after we went to so much trouble, don't you think she owes us for all the ?preparations we made? I was so disappointed that I didn't get to attend this event.

GENTLE READER: Somebody here should be saying, "And I thought she was my friend!" Miss Manners is only surprised to hear that it is you.

Ah, but you say that you know how widows are. They are reclusive, so that you can safely assume that they want to be left out of things, and so befuddled that it should be easy to pluck what you want from them. At the same time, they are so predatory that husbands cannot be trusted in their company.

Even words do not deter you. Any sensible person would interpret what you said as a kind offer to have your husband escort your friend to the event and your answer to her question as a confirmation. But then you also stated that your husband owns evening clothes when he does not.

Now your idea is to dun the lady for money to assuage your suffering. Miss Manners would not advise this. Not all widows are helpless.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will soon be meeting the secretary of defense and possibly the president of the United States in September. She will be with her fiance, who is receiving an ROTC Air Force honor. How should she address each if introduced to them?

GENTLE READER: "Mr. Secretary" and "Mr. President" respectively. Aren't you proud to live in a country where even the highest officials receive the same courtesy titles as ordinary citizens?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?I recently suffered a miscarriage and, because I was 20 weeks along, it was beyond devastating. My ?wonderful neighbors sent cards, flowers and stopped by ?with wine. In a situation like this, is it appropriate ?to send out thank you cards?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is puzzled at your hesitation, unless you think, as she does, that letters would be better than cards. What would be the argument against thanking such kind people?

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 20-year-old daughter was recently married. She is also pregnant. One of the guests at the wedding gave a gift of Pampers and baby wipes. I was simply livid. It was such poor taste. I would like to know what is an appropriate response to this obvious slight.

GENTLE READER: A letter of thanks for a useful, if not glamorous, present.

Miss Manners does not understand why this troubles you. It is an insult to insinuate that a bride is pregnant, or at least it used to be. But one who is frankly so can hardly take offense when this is recognized.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend puts bacon bits on her salad, something I find disgusting. I tell her this is "gross." She says it is rude of me to comment negatively about her food. I say this is not rude of me, that I think it is gross even though she doesn't. Please help us settle this.

GENTLE READER: What is gross here is your putting your nose into someone else's salad. Miss Manners would say that the lady only erred in not going far enough. Even monitoring what others eat is rude, much less commenting on it. Even more serious an etiquette travesty is your assumption that thinking something justifies saying it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family has joined a local swimming pool that has a very nice children's pool. There is a fee for bringing guests. We occasionally invite friends and pay the fee. I know that some friends would like to be invited more frequently and wonder why we don't ask them. I am fairly certain that they are not aware of the guest fees. I would love for them to join us more often, but simply cannot afford to pay to bring guests regularly. Is there a polite way to let them know that they are welcome to join us if they are willing to pay the fee?

GENTLE READER: Although this sounds more like a neighborhood cooperative than a private club, it is ungracious to suggest to guests that they reimburse you for inviting them as guests.

But why don't you invite them to become members? People whom you like, and who enjoy going there often sound like obvious candidates. At the least, this will give you an excuse to inform them of the joining cost, the dues and other charges, such as guest fees. If they choose not to join, they will still be able to guess why you do not invite them more often.

: