DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman I thought was my friend lost her husband about two months ago. They had tickets to an event I was dying to see, but we just didn't have the connections she did, I guess.

Then after Tony died I figured she wouldn't ?be going. I called her and told her I knew it wouldn't be the same going by herself so, rather than waste the tickets, my George has a tuxedo. She seemed ?to appreciate my offer and said, "And you are volunteering George?"

I went to a lot of trouble to get ready. I had my hair, nails and everything ?done. George rented a tux. When we went by her place to pick up the tickets, there she was in an evening dress. She thought I was going to let her date my husband!

Instead of saying she was sorry for the mix-up, she said that ?since she was going to be putting the extra ticket at the box office in case ?somebody needed it, she'd better leave. Then she put us out the door.

George ?says the polite thing would have been to let him just escort her. HA! I know ?how widows are. Inasmuch as she didn't have the good grace to let us use the tickets after we went to so much trouble, don't you think she owes us for all the ?preparations we made? I was so disappointed that I didn't get to attend this event.

GENTLE READER: Somebody here should be saying, "And I thought she was my friend!" Miss Manners is only surprised to hear that it is you.

Ah, but you say that you know how widows are. They are reclusive, so that you can safely assume that they want to be left out of things, and so befuddled that it should be easy to pluck what you want from them. At the same time, they are so predatory that husbands cannot be trusted in their company.

Even words do not deter you. Any sensible person would interpret what you said as a kind offer to have your husband escort your friend to the event and your answer to her question as a confirmation. But then you also stated that your husband owns evening clothes when he does not.

Now your idea is to dun the lady for money to assuage your suffering. Miss Manners would not advise this. Not all widows are helpless.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will soon be meeting the secretary of defense and possibly the president of the United States in September. She will be with her fiance, who is receiving an ROTC Air Force honor. How should she address each if introduced to them?

GENTLE READER: "Mr. Secretary" and "Mr. President" respectively. Aren't you proud to live in a country where even the highest officials receive the same courtesy titles as ordinary citizens?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?I recently suffered a miscarriage and, because I was 20 weeks along, it was beyond devastating. My ?wonderful neighbors sent cards, flowers and stopped by ?with wine. In a situation like this, is it appropriate ?to send out thank you cards?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is puzzled at your hesitation, unless you think, as she does, that letters would be better than cards. What would be the argument against thanking such kind people?

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 20-year-old daughter was recently married. She is also pregnant. One of the guests at the wedding gave a gift of Pampers and baby wipes. I was simply livid. It was such poor taste. I would like to know what is an appropriate response to this obvious slight.

GENTLE READER: A letter of thanks for a useful, if not glamorous, present.

Miss Manners does not understand why this troubles you. It is an insult to insinuate that a bride is pregnant, or at least it used to be. But one who is frankly so can hardly take offense when this is recognized.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend puts bacon bits on her salad, something I find disgusting. I tell her this is "gross." She says it is rude of me to comment negatively about her food. I say this is not rude of me, that I think it is gross even though she doesn't. Please help us settle this.

GENTLE READER: What is gross here is your putting your nose into someone else's salad. Miss Manners would say that the lady only erred in not going far enough. Even monitoring what others eat is rude, much less commenting on it. Even more serious an etiquette travesty is your assumption that thinking something justifies saying it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family has joined a local swimming pool that has a very nice children's pool. There is a fee for bringing guests. We occasionally invite friends and pay the fee. I know that some friends would like to be invited more frequently and wonder why we don't ask them. I am fairly certain that they are not aware of the guest fees. I would love for them to join us more often, but simply cannot afford to pay to bring guests regularly. Is there a polite way to let them know that they are welcome to join us if they are willing to pay the fee?

GENTLE READER: Although this sounds more like a neighborhood cooperative than a private club, it is ungracious to suggest to guests that they reimburse you for inviting them as guests.

But why don't you invite them to become members? People whom you like, and who enjoy going there often sound like obvious candidates. At the least, this will give you an excuse to inform them of the joining cost, the dues and other charges, such as guest fees. If they choose not to join, they will still be able to guess why you do not invite them more often.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's bachelor habit was to accept invitations to other people's homes, yet never invite those people to dinner at his home. Did I acquire all of his social debt when we married?

Now, most of it is good debt, to people with good character who I'm looking forward to knowing. However, there is also bad debt to a certain couple he was chummy with. It's not a matter of personality, but of character. They were open adulterers at one point, and they have always been gossips. I'm acquainted with them.

Going forward, he's agreed with me that "we" don't have to condone their kind of behavior by socializing with them. He's said that he'll do me the favor of not accepting invitations to their home anymore. In the future, he will limit his time with them to public spaces and I can decline pleasantly.

But what about the past social debt? Does it ever expire? If it doesn't, is there any way to minimize the pain with this gossipy couple? Can one dinner in my home pay off, say, five in their home from the past three years?

GENTLE READER: The situation is worse than you thought. Miss Manners is sorry to have to tell you that the very people who never held it against your husband for failing to reciprocate will soon be declaring you antisocial. "She won't let him see his friends," they'll say, as if you kept him locked in the basement.

You could, of course, ignore this, since you are not crazy about these people anyway. But it is also kind of you to recognize his debt and make a token repayment. By that, Miss Manners means that yes, you can reciprocate with a single dinner. The household is, after all, under new management, although Miss Manners trusts it is still a partnership and that you will not run up social debts you do not intend to pay.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother passed away after being in the hospital and nursing homes for over 13 months. Although her rheumatoid arthritis didn't cause her death, she suffered from it for many, many years. I had made it known to family members through my husband and in-laws that if anyone wanted to make a donation in her name that I would like it to be made to the Arthritis Foundation.

Imagine our surprise when I received a note from my sister-in-law's parents informing me that they made a donation in my mother's name to a charity they supported (it was to the school her father went to which my mother did not have link to). We have asked several friends and family members what they thought of this and have had a mixed response.

What do you think? Is it proper to make a donation to a charity you support in the name of someone else as a memorial?

GENTLE READER: No, but neither were they obliged to donate to the charity you chose. Miss Manners notes that you, as well as they, have accepted the notion -- widely promoted by charities -- that donations can serve another purposes in addition to helping the direct beneficiary: Honoring someone else and getting credit for oneself. You intended the former, but they chose the latter -- and it was their money.

: