DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to disinfest a stranger?

I was enjoying a piano recital recently in a pavilion open to the outdoors. During the second movement of a Beethoven sonata, I could not help noticing that the enjoyment of the lady sitting in front of me was about to be curtailed by a large beetle. This insect was rapidly crawling up her dress and would in moments reach the top and almost certainly fall down her back.

Summoning the most feathery touch I could muster, I managed to flick the thing away without disturbing the woman. My friends teased me afterward about my "surgeon's hands." But I wonder: Would there have been a better plan of action from an etiquette standpoint in this situation? Alert the lady before possibly touching her? Secure her permission before proceeding? And what of the time element?

GENTLE READER: And what about Beethoven?

If not for him, you could have said, "Excuse me, there's a bug on you" and flicked it away, all so quickly that the lady would understand her plight at the same time that you were performing the rescue. Or you could have merely informed the lady of its presence and let her deal with it herself.

But there was Beethoven. Being deaf, he might not have been bothered by your talking, but all those other people trying to listen to him would have been furious.

The general rule is that you never touch a stranger without permission. (It also usually applies to acquaintances, but if Miss Manners declared that a firm rule, the human race would come to an end.)

However, she will not argue with your success, which suggests a rare exception. Even if you had not been so adroit, and she misunderstood your intention, mouthing the word "bug" would have been less disturbing than applying for permission.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today I received an e-mail from a business associate. Upon opening the e-mail and reading the first sentence, I quickly determined that the content was very personal (medical stuff) and not meant for me. With some effort, I overcame my curiosity and deleted the e-mail without reading the rest of the lengthy message or looking at any of the attached photos.

So far I have chosen to ignore the e-mail. But the sender will most likely realize her mistake at some time. I'd like to assure her that I respected her privacy (as best as I could), but I hate to cause her any undue embarrassment.

Should I have immediately replied that I apparently received an e-mail not meant for me so I deleted it without reading it, and thought she'd like to know so that she could send it to the proper recipient? (Is that even believable?) Or is it best to just pretend it never happened?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners believes you. But sadly, she believes you are right in suspecting that no one else will. What you might say that is more plausible is, "I believe I got an e-mail from you, but I couldn't open it, and now it's gone." The "couldn't" here refers to your high standard of morality.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been asked to dinner by our daughter's significant other. We assume it is to receive our blessing in proposing marriage to her.

Can we ask questions? Or are we there to give our blessing, which we do? He is a lovely young man who obviously adores our daughter and vice versa. They are each 33 years old, successful in their careers.

But coming from her mother married to her father for 39 years, I am wholly aware of "life." To ask questions about lifelong marriage to younger people entering a first and hopefully one-time marriage seems kind of silly in today's world. Least of all, should he be expected to pick up the check?

GENTLE READER: You should allow the gentleman to pick up the check, since it is he who invited you. Miss Manners also recommends allowing him the benefit of the doubt, at least for the moment.

The traditional drilling of a prospective bridegroom by the lady's father was financial, and it was done in the privacy of the paternal study. This was so he would not be interrupted by his daughter's crying out, "But Papa, I don't care about money! I love him! I'd rather starve with him than marry a prince."

That is not a scene for a public restaurant -- nor anywhere else nowadays, when both are self-supporting and the lady's agreement will already have been secured. What the bridegroom seems to have planned is a celebratory dinner, at which the engagement is announced to you and your blessing is expected.

Give it and drink your champagne. Later, in private conversations with your daughter and perhaps in carefully polite ones with her fiance, you will be able to solicit their views on marriage and impart yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine has graduated from college and is in the very long process of saying goodbye as she packs up and moves home, out of state.

I say long because, well, for nearly a month now we, her circle of close friends, have been enduring innumerable "lasts" -- the last weekend party, the last karaoke night, the last dinner out, etcetera. What I thought was her Big Goodbye, a party last weekend, wasn't. I found out that this evening she is wanting to gather us all to her boxed-up apartment and toast her and say farewell again.

Just how many goodbyes are civilized people expected to endure? Shouldn't a goodbye be bittersweet, and not just bitter? Shouldn't a person realize that focusing so much on one's own departure is likely to make one's friends say, instead, "good riddance"?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but unless the lady is summoning her friends to pack the cartons or contribute to the expenses, she is guilty only of an excess of sentiment. You may, of course decline her invitations. But Miss Manners hopes that when you can no longer bear it, you add, "But please let me know when you're actually going, so I can see you off."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an apparently interesting scar, about 3 inches long, straight down my spine on my lower back. It's not normally visible, but occasionally friends or acquaintances will inquire about it and I cheerfully tell them the rather dull truth about falling off a stool when I was a child. However, sometimes random strangers catch a glimpse (leaning over a water fountain, or on the beach and the like) and feel utterly comfortable coming up to me and asking where I picked up such an odd disfigurement. In these cases, I tend to cheerfully tell them the first thing that pops into my head -- I was born with a tail, or kidnapped by aliens or had a reverse C-section, that sort of thing.

My casual acquaintance, upon hearing about this habit, informed me that it was unconscionably rude and terribly inappropriate. I tend to feel that I'm reacting humorously, but not inappropriately, to an entirely rude question, and that if they felt the need to go to all the effort of approaching me, I ought to give them an entertaining return.

Who's in the right here? And, if I'm being rude, what would be a polite response that's still better than a blank stare or a chilly "Excuse me?"

GENTLE READER: A better response? Yours are indeed amusing, and Miss Manners will not try to top them. You need a casual acquaintance with a better sense of humor.

As long as your delivery is not sarcastic, a good-natured nonanswer is more polite than any way of conveying that it is none of their business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is an important executive with a very large travel-related American corporation. As a thank you gesture for her efforts in increasing their business, a cruise ship line invited her and 12 of her extended family to be their gratis guests on an inaugural cruise. The fortunate party included three adult men, seven adult women and three children.

During a formal dinner one evening, the president of the cruise line stopped at our table (which probably represented an outlay of about $50,000 for his company) and chatted for a few minutes. No one stood up.

Please explain to me the correct protocol in a situation like this. Should my sister-in-law, as the primary invitee, have stood, or because of her gender is that not necessary? Should my brother as her husband stand? Should all of the men at the table have stood? Or should every one of us have jumped up and given him a group hug?

GENTLE READER: This is a tricky question, and not just because of the effect 13 people all hopping up at once might have had on the balance of the ship.

In the workplace, rank and not gender determines precedence. However, the president of the cruise line was not your sister-in-law's boss but her benefactor, and, at any rate, his generosity places her on vacation. So let's leave her seated, and the other ladies as well. Miss Manners would like to see the children rise, as they should for any adult. That leaves the three gentlemen. It would have been graceful if they had stood and toasted his kindness and his health.

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