DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently visited a remote tropical island where, upon my departure, the local inhabitants insisted on killing and eating a giant sea turtle in my honor. I do eat meat, but not turtle. Though I thanked them and ate it with a smile, was that the wrong thing to do?

GENTLE READER: As opposed to our own native habit of saying, "Yuck, how can you eat such a thing?" and then lecturing the hosts on nutrition, ecology or the sea turtle's point of view?

You would never know it from America's dining tables, Miss Manners realizes, but it is offensive to criticize other people's food or eating habits. Of course, it is also rude to monitor what guests do or do not eat, which is equally common in our society, but there is an exception. And you have run smack into it.

Between cultures, whether they are countries or ethnic groups within the same country, food is a test of whether outsiders are worthy. So unless you have an excuse that seems beyond your control (and is accompanied by a look of regret and longing), such as an allergy or a religious restriction, eat up and declare it the best thing you ever tasted. It is good training for a career as a diplomat or politician.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an acquaintance who, when asked "How are you?" always answers, "Better than I deserve."

She does this constantly. Even in restaurants to waiters. It drives me and several other of her acquaintances nuts. Although I have tried to ignore it and no longer ask, "How are you?" other unsuspecting people do, and are invariably at a loss for words. What does one say to that? She thinks she is being very cute. (Incidentally, she is 75 years old and not nearly as cute as she thinks she is.)

Do you have any suggestions for a rejoinder that would curtail this response? I hate to be rude to her, but I did on one occasion say, "I am sure that is so." It did not faze her. Most people just stare at her or look away.

Why does she, as well as many other people, think that "How are you?" is anything other than just a greeting? Not an inquiry into their health, mental or otherwise?

Incidentally, avoiding her is not an option as we are in a number of activities together, including church.

She also picks her teeth with her finger during meals. We have offered her toothpicks as a hint. She always accepts and then uses them. One friend even offered her dental floss. We held our collective breath in the hope that she would not use it at the table.

GENTLE READER: She will, though. With a lot of patience, you may be able to teach a 5-year-old that she is not as cute as she thinks she is, and that she must observe basic table manners. You will not be able to do so with a 75-year-old, and it is not even your business to try. Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to look the other way, especially during meals.

The rejoinder does not require a reply. And Miss Manners finds the ploy of offering the lady toothpicks and dental floss not as cute as you think it is. Your sarcasm is passing unnoticed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been separated for two years. We have three adult children and three young grandchildren. He is much closer to many members of my family than his own family and therefore we are in social situations often. We have a friendly relationship.

He started dating about six months ago and although I already knew this, he only informed me one week before his big 60th birthday party. He gave me a courtesy call. It took him two hours to finally stop by me to introduce her.

I have since been told that it was my place to initiate the introductions. I fail to see the logic in that. Whose responsibility was it?

GENTLE READER: Just when Miss Manners believes that the annals of etiquette contain rulings on everything and she can retreat to the porch swing, a new issue comes along. Whoops, we forgot to rule on the issue of precedence in instances of friendly husbands introducing their wives and mistresses.

Indeed, the wife does have seniority. But if you have managed to maintain friendly relations under such volatile circumstances, Miss Manners would not advise risking them on this point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I enjoy fruit after lunch and dinner. I'm afraid, however, that we don't know how to eat fruit with a knife and fork, but would like to learn. Would Miss Manners be so kind as to give a lesson? We promise not to show off our newly learned skills on future guests who haven't yet learned (or torture them, or make them feel inferior).

GENTLE READER: That's all right -- you can commit proper table manners in front of your guests. Just don't peer at them to check whether they are doing it right. That might be hard to avoid if they have apples or bananas protruding from their mouths, but remember that they may be employing equally correct, if less formal, manners.

The basic way of eating fruit with the small, narrow but sharp fruit knife and fork is to stab with the fork, cut the fruit into halves or quarters with the knife, and then convey pieces to the mouth with the fork. Miss Manners is speaking here of apples, pears, peaches and even bananas, but would not advise trying this with anything small or squishy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, before church, a lady asked for my address, as she was planning a social event. Instead of recording my address in her address book, she hands me an envelope (which I wrote my address on, in shock), an envelope which I received in the mail this morning. This lady is prone to planning events in which guests are commanded (sometimes in detail) to bring their own food, drink, utensils, chairs, and entertainment. Why she supposes that she is the person doing the hosting, I cannot say. But at any rate, must we "guests" be expected to address our own invitations as well?

GENTLE READER: And your own expression of regret at not being able to attend, Miss Manners would think.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'd like to know what type of note I should include in my thank yous that I am sending out for my wedding. The problem is that I'm sending them out almost two years after our wedding day.

Financial setbacks are the main reason why we couldn't purchase the pictures that we were including in our thank-you notes. Now that we're able to buy them, I still want to send them. Should I include a note to explain the delay or should I just send them as is?

GENTLE READER: Two years is long enough for you to have recovered from the it's-all-about-us attitude that unfortunately overtakes so many bridal couples. Miss Manners would like you to consider this situation from the point of view of your generous wedding guests.

They would like to know that you received what they sent you, and that they succeeded in pleasing you. They would have like to know this immediately, which is when letters of thanks are due. And the matter of being ignored still rankles with them.

In contrast -- Miss Manners hates to break this to you -- they are not breathlessly awaiting your wedding pictures.

This was a dreadful excuse, and she does not recommend using it in your letters. (An even worse excuse would be that you have been busy. You may be sure that your benefactors did not go out and shop for you because time was hanging heavily on their hands. To be told that your busyness was so much more important that you could not find time, in two years, to thank them, will enrage them.)

Your only hope is to take the blame and throw yourself on their mercy, groveling as much as you decently can:

"I have been criminally remiss in thanking you for your great generosity, and can only hope that you will be kind enough to forgive me ..." along with an account of how much you have been enjoying using the particular present all this time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one is dining at a restaurant with several friends, is it inappropriate to say, "Please excuse me, I need to use the restroom"?

My friend who is a teacher says it is and reprimanded me in front of our friends. If it is inappropriate, how does one excuse themselves from the dining table?

GENTLE READER: You are half way there. Whoops, Miss Manners doesn't mean that she is following you to the rest room -- only that half of your sentence -- "Please excuse me" -- was correct.

That is more than she can say for someone who delivers public reprimands.

"Please excuse me" is all one needs to say to leave the table. Your destination is not considered appetizing, and anyway, people can figure it out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it considered bad manners for a young boy to wear a ball cap inside a ?casual ?restaurant? These days I see lots of grown men doing ?precisely that.

GENTLE READER: Yes on both your points -- yes, it's rude, and yes, lots of grown men are doing that.

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