DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I incorrect in thinking it rude when complete strangers make it their business to approach (and sometimes touch) me to tell me I look like a particular actor?

I simply do not understand why someone would think that I am interested in being told his or her very own personal opinion of my superficial attributes. I am not a celebrity; I am a private citizen and a very private person who was once quite shy and I do not appreciate the attention. I take pride in my own identity and I am making absolutely no effort to emulate this person or their considerable accomplishments.

While I realize that there are worse things to be compared to than a talented thespian, I was raised not to arbitrarily approach complete strangers and give them unsolicited feedback about their looks. It gets a little annoying after the nine hundred millionth nine hundred thousandth nine hundred and ninety ninth time.

I'm an upbeat person; in fact, when it is a teenage youth or an elderly person, I can smile, wave and forget about it. I do have a sense of humor and will even play along if it is a young child by saying something the actor is famous for and adding, "Obey your mom and dad and make sure you go to school and eat your vegetables."

But adults in their 30s and 40s should know that this is intrusive and disrespectful. Not everyone wants to be noticed. It is especially uncomfortable when I am enjoying the company of a lady, some of whom get offended by it.

I have been somewhat tempted to tell these folks that they look like famous people that I consider less than stunning, or ignore them altogether, but I have been nice so far, not wanting to appear disrespectful or arrogant because I guess the actor is considered attractive.

I sincerely hope that people will learn the difference between a pointless observation and a compliment. Am I supposed to say, "Oh, what a compliment, thank you ever so much -- I just LOVE being told every day that I look like a famous person"?

GENTLE READER: The reply that springs to Miss Manners' mind is, "Isn't he the one who went to jail for punching out a fan?"

But unlike most people, she does not believe in saying everything that springs to mind. The habit of giving people personal appraisals of their looks is rampant. Other Gentle Readers report that they are forever being told that they are tall, short, fat, thin or "foreign looking."

Miss Manners suggests replying in a fashion that, although not impolite, will puzzle these people enough to derail their thoughts while you make a getaway. Some possibilities are:

"Sorry, but you seem to have mixed me up with someone else."

"I'm afraid I'm not acquainted with the gentleman."

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry to think that he is embarrassed by being taken for me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that the correct way to eat soup is to spoon it away from one, but, since it is easier to spoon it toward oneself, can you tell me the origin of this custom and its reason?

GENTLE READER: In 1103, a wise old abbess noticed that when she spooned her gruel toward herself, it splashed on her wimple. Henceforth ...

No, we don't know its origin. Miss Manners would think it enough justification that it makes sense, which table manners are not strictly required to do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems the latest styles for women's tops and blouses is to have cleavage bulging out. My husband was very uncomfortable with his grown daughter and her nightie during a recent outing.

As soon as she was out the door, he made a comment to me that he was uncomfortable, trying to keep his eyes above board.

Now, with another holiday approaching, the ex-wife will join in with her cleavage-busting attire. Any comments? I find it amusing.

GENTLE READER: Good. Because second wives should never comment on the taste of first wives. It forfeits their chances to appear ladylike when the first wives badmouth them.

But children, even grown-up children, are different. Your husband need not have waited until his daughter was out the door -- not in her nightie, Miss Manners trusts -- to say something. Such as, "Honey, please put on a robe -- you're embarrassing me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my daughter got married eight years ago, my brother, his wife and five children came cross-country to be at the wedding. My daughter had wanted an evening, formal reception with no children invited.

I thought it rude, however, that after the sacrifice of time and much money to be at her wedding, she would not consider having my nieces and nephews there. So, my daughter conceded to my wishes and allowed the five children to attend the reception.

This May, one of those children is getting married. My daughter, her husband and three children were planning to attend the wedding. Then we found out that no children are invited to the reception -- because if all the children of the guests were invited, it would be chaos and expensive.

These are the same reasons my daughter didn't want children at her wedding. She had to explain to wedding guests why there were five children at the reception when all other children were not allowed to attend.

My daughter feels the bride should do the same for her.

She feels that her three children should be allowed to attend the reception simply to reciprocate the good will my daughter showed her family.

After all, how many other guests will be traveling 3,000 miles and purchasing five airline tickets, and a week's hotel stay to attend the wedding? Babysitting will also be a problem since my daughter's policy is not to leave her children with people they don't know. And my son-in-law is not happy about spending this kind of money to sit in a hotel room with his children during the reception!

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners understands this, your daughter had specific reasons for not wanting children at her wedding reception, and was embarrassed afterwards because some were allowed and others not. So she discounts her cousin's having the same reasons, and feels that she should risk the same embarrassment. (Miss Manners, in turn, discounts your argument that no other children would be eligible, unless you heard this from the hosts.)

Now, there are arguments to be made both for and against the presence of children at weddings. Miss Manners happens to believe that reasonably well-behaved ones add to the occasion, but she has heard that there is such a thing as a badly behaved child.

However, she does not care for that argument that the bride's childhood appearance created a debt that must now be paid. If your daughter is going to plead for an exception, she would be better advised to gush to the bride about how delightful it was to have children at her wedding and reminisce about how beautiful and well mannered her little cousin was.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of us are tired of looking like the bad guy because we declined an invitation to spend a night or two at a friend's vacation home. Why is it that people get upset if you do not accept their offer to join them?

Don't get me wrong, my husband and I like nothing better than enjoying our friends' company. But we prefer to wake up the next morning by ourselves, read a few newspapers and drink coffee. When my routine is thrown off I feel lousy the entire day.

This year we decided to decline these gracious invitations politely. In one case involving air travel, I suggested a compromise of staying at a nearby hotel (of course we would pay for it) and meeting after breakfast.

Well! Let's just say the reactions have been mixed, but one constant remains: The hosts still try to pressure us into staying with them or are personally offended!

Would you please remind vacation home bullies that an invitation is a request, not a law that must be followed?

GENTLE READER: Would you like a whole new set of friends? Miss Manners has a desk full of letters from vacation house owners who are exasperated by the persistence of would-be houseguests in inviting themselves.

But since you have made it clear that you like the friends you have, and only dislike being a houseguest, there should be a simpler solution.

High-pressure hospitality more often takes the form of hosts' urging guests to eat more than they want. Then one can only keep repeating "No, thank you" until they are worn down, because excuses are met with counterarguments.

But there is one reason you can offer for not staying overnight -- "We're really not good houseguests." Do not be tempted to be more specific. Of course you will surround this statement with protestations of how much you love to see the hosts -- but you must allow them to wonder whether this is because you snore, sleepwalk or tend to crash around at night breaking things.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a 60-member assessors office. Shortly after I started working there, my mother passed away. At that time, the office failed to acknowledge this, not sending flowers or even a card.

Since that time, I have noticed that the office's policy is definitely to acknowledge employees for relatives' deaths, new babies, weddings, even recently the operation of an employee's husband was acknowledged with a card and flowers.

Should I see this as possibly a very negative comment on me by my office colleagues and seek employment elsewhere? Is it appropriate for me to refuse to sign cards, etc., for the other employees? I am very hurt and I must face these people every day.

GENTLE READER: Now that you have been there longer, have you become aware of meetings in which employees' individual merits are weighed to determine whether they are worthy of receiving condolence or congratulatory cards?

Separate question: Have you noticed any small signs of inefficiency, such as are normal even in well-run organizations?

Miss Manners can assure you that what you perceive as an intentional slight was no such thing. As you have noticed, it is simply office policy to send cards. Her inescapable conclusion is that since you were a newcomer, they had not yet included you on the employee list, or they felt it was intrusive to offer sympathy to someone they didn't yet know. These would have been mistakes, but not insults.

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