DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised with the understanding that a spoon was to be used only with ice cream (unless it comes with cake) or soup (and a few other exceptions).

Lately, I notice at many family-style restaurants servers will bring a spoon with cake or pie. Somewhat understandable, I suppose, because of the number of small children served, but I can feel myself bristle. If the waiter hasn't already made his escape, I politely ask for a fork to be provided. I was especially surprised at a very upscale restaurant when only a spoon was provided to eat a firm, thick-crusted tart.

So I started doing some research. I could not find a stated rule for the use of spoons. I did come across a statement by one woman who said her mother taught her that peas were to be eaten with a spoon -- eating peas with a fork was "common." That sounds completely backward to me.

Can you help me uncover the truth about spoons? By the way, is it OK to cut (vegetables and soft meat) with a fork?

GENTLE READER: Are you sure you are up to hearing the truth about flatware? Miss Manners must warn you that there is some vicious competition going on in the most ordinary and innocent-looking place setting.

The fork is the late-comer here, having been in widespread western use for only a few centuries. But it quickly bullied its way to the top of the hierarchy and established the rule that everything that can be eaten with the fork alone should be. (And even some things that can't be, such as peas; your mother's acquaintance was sadly mistaken.)

The knife and the spoon had to settle for the leftovers. Well, not the leftovers you eat straight from the refrigerator while Miss Manners averts her eyes, but the foods that the fork had to admit it can't manage.

The knife kept the meat (but not fish) although now in partnership with the fork. The spoon still had the soup to itself, but for informal service, got only the mushy stuff, while the fork got solids, such as cake. In formal service, the fork and spoon are both presented for dessert, whatever its solidity, and can be used together. But it is easy to see which is the ranking instrument.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is in her eighth month and quite self-conscious about her appearance. It doesn't help when certain people make comments about her. In particular, one lady at church, who seems well meaning enough, remarked at how big she was last time and puffed up her cheeks to demonstrate.

My father-in-law also doesn't help when he talks about people who are round (meaning fat in his eyes).

I know it's all part of pregnancy and that she will be back to normal in due time. How can she politely communicate to these folks that they are hurting her feelings and persuade them not to say things like that in the future?

GENTLE READER: As you acknowledge, your wife will, in the natural course of events, get past this. But Miss Manners wishes she would get past it now.

There will always be people who make foolish remarks, and pregnancy seems to be a source of inspiration to them. If your wife wants to rattle them out of their thoughtlessness, she can reply to observations about her size by saying innocently, "But I'm pregnant!"

Miss Manners does not guarantee that this will put an end to it. But you and your wife will soon have a more promising opportunity to teach thoughtfulness. It's called child-rearing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss to understand why it is acceptable to criticize someone for dressing "too well," while the opposite is totally unacceptable. Let me explain.

Last week I attended a retirement party for my husband's co-worker, which was an outdoor Mexican fiesta. I wore a festive peasant skirt (no pantyhose), sandals, a simple top and some ethnic jewelry. As soon as we walked in the door, the host literally yelled, "Hey you were supposed to dress casual for this event! What are ya doin'?" I was speechless.

Last month, a co-worker chided me with "Why are you so dressed up?" I was wearing a skirt, with a matching cardigan and, yes, pantyhose and heels. Later in the week, when I was dressed more casually in cropped pants and a logo-ed polo shirt, she expressed her approval of my attire. I regret to say that I did respond with a very sarcastic, "I'm so glad my clothes meet your approval today!"

There have been other occasions as well. In fact, this happens to me often enough that it has really begun to irk me. Should we all just dress in our sweats and pajamas? I'm certainly no fashion plate, but I do enjoy dressing in stylish clothes. And to be fair I am often complimented on my choice of clothing.

What response can I give to such boorish statements? The one I long to give is "Why are you dressed like such a slob?" But I know that would not meet with Miss Manners' approval.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, it would not. But Miss Manners can at least relieve you of the notion that criticizing someone for dressing nicely is somehow less culpable than criticizing someone for dressing sloppily.

A great many people seem to think it is. On a mission to dumb things down, they bully gentlemen to take off their ties and complain to hostesses that they should have used paper plates and napkins instead of china and linen. Presumably they want to make their own lapses into the general standard.

But they profess to believe that informality is liberating (in spite of their tyrannical attempts to impose it). So a polite answer can be, "Well, I dress as I see fit -- as I'm sure you do, too."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some friends of mine were delayed several hours returning to a campsite where I'd agreed to keep watch. It turned out that they'd had car trouble and, as there was no cell phone reception where we were camped, had no way of reaching me.

I'd known they wouldn't have been late without a good reason, and I accepted their apology. But their despair at trying to assure me that the delay wasn't their fault made me wonder: At some point does giving an involved excuse for tardiness imply disbelief on the part of the listener? Should one give an excuse for being unavoidably late, or simply apologize?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners was waiting to hear that they had chastised you for subscribing to a telephone service that had no reception at the campsite. That would have been rude.

But apologizing is not rude, even if goes on exasperatingly long, and yes, some sort of excuse is required. A mere "Sorry we're late" after you had been waiting for hours would have been infuriating. Instead of looking for a subtext, you should have ended a response you probably gave several times --"That's quite all right; sorry you had trouble" -- with "But you're here now, so let's forget about it and enjoy ourselves."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one say (if anything) when one overhears profanity by the teenagers who hang out at the same park where one brings one's toddlers?

This is a regular occurrence where I live. The little ones play on the playground equipment, and the 12-17s hang out nearby playing catch or talking loudly. The profanity isn't directed abuse, but rather the unfortunate habits of conversational profanity that seem to be common among the younger teens. (e.g., "Harry, throw me the f_____g ball!").

In ?the past I've ignored the language, and I've also glared at the offender. Last week I spoke rather sharply to the above-mentioned Harry, stating that neither I, nor my toddlers, needed to hear that kind of language. None of these options seems correct, and the only other option I see is to deny my little ones the playground -- an option which annoys me quite a bit.

GENTLE READER: It is good of you to attempt to bring up strange teenagers when you must surely have your hands full with your own toddlers.

But then, you did not exactly take a pedagogical tone with the offenders, and you did make it clear that it is for your children's benefit that you want to clean up the playground.

It is not going to work. The days of "Yes, Ma'am, I'm sorry, please don't tell my mother" are gone. You are more likely to bring on the natural reaction to being scolded by a stranger, which will not be pleasant for you or for your children to see.

Miss Manners does not disagree with your taking offense at offensive language. But she believes that your time would be better spent setting a higher standard for your own children by speaking sharply to them when they begin to repeat words that they are bound to hear everywhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student who will be spending her summer doing Good Work, which is to say canvassing for an environmental cause. This work will involve asking for donations. Unfortunately, I am the first to recognize that this kind of work can quickly devolve into being a professional nuisance, and many people respond (not exactly without reason) to the sight of a clipboard-carrying stranger on their doorstep with dread.

I'm hoping you might be willing to give me some advice on how to conduct myself in a proper manner. I know I will be obliged to pretend to not see people ducking behind their curtains and pretending to not be at home as soon as they see me (having used that ruse a few times myself!) and must always thank people for their time even when I've been cussed out thoroughly, but I'm wondering how to handle trickier issues like forestalling people hostile to my cause from drawing me into political arguments on their front stoop, how to react to having a door shut in my face, etc.

GENTLE READER: Just keep in mind why you pretended not to be at home when you saw clipboard-carrying strangers on your own doorstop. Remembering that it can be a nuisance to be interrupted at home for a pitch, even if it is for a good cause, should prompt you to be grateful to those who listen to you, and tolerant of those who do not.

Miss Manners hopes that the latter will retreat politely. But if doors are shut in your face, you should not take it personally. And if counter-pitches are made to you, political or otherwise, you should avail yourself of the courteous negative response that your targets can use: "Thank you, but please excuse me."

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