DEAR MISS MANNERS: The wife of our neighbor committed suicide in their place two days ago. With many police, detectives, and the medical examiner all over our sidewalks for most of the evening and night, it was an unavoidable major event.

He was visibly distraught and obviously uncomfortable around the neighbors that night, and has gone away for a few days.

What can we say to him when he returns? To say nothing to him would feel like shunning him and would be cruel, yet almost anything we could say might be painful. I might add she was young and, we thought, happy; this was not an end-of-life choice for medical reasons.

GENTLE READER: You don't know that. With your lack of success in diagnosing the lady's emotional state, Miss Manners is surprised that you are now making medical pronouncements.

But you do not need to know the motivation of this lady's suicide to offer condolences to her husband. You are neither the doctors nor the coroners in this case, but merely the neighbors. And the job of neighbors is only to say how sorry they are about his loss and to offer any practical assistance they can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and his then fiancee announced via Web site post that they have decided to change their last name to a new name when they married. This caught many family members by surprise (as well as many wedding guests who had not necessarily read their Web site and then were confused when the new couple were announced as Mr. & Mrs. New Name).

It has been about a year since then, and although they use the new name in correspondence, e-mail and Web sites, they apparently have taken no steps to change their names legally, so at this point, I suppose, the new name has the status of an alias. Drivers' licenses, social security cards, checking accounts, etc., are all still in their legal names.

To what extent is the family obligated to use the new name? When we send them e-mail, cards and letters, on checks as gifts, when we introduce them to friends, when we send out intra-family address list updates?

Hard feelings were created when the new name was sprung on the family and was not immediately acclaimed to be the best idea since shoelaces. We are trying to smooth over the rough spot in the relationship, but are unsure how to proceed.

GENTLE READER: How much are you willing to annoy your son and daughter-in-law? Miss Manners assures you that refusing to use the name you know they have chosen will do a good job of that.

The invented surname is one of several solutions people have sought to the problem of representing both families when a new one is created. None of them has solved the problem, but we no longer have a standardized system of nomenclature.

It therefore behooves people to respect the individual choices that are made when these are known. Miss Manners also expects the choosers to be tolerant about when honest mistakes are made by those not in a position to know, but that excuse is of no use to you. You can either use the names they announced or you can take the consequences of becoming a constant irritant to them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and several of our closest friends are immigrants to this country. Through them, I often meet other immigrants and we generally tend to get on quite well. As we are discovering that we enjoy each other's company, I am often told that I "don't seem like an American."

I know that they mean this as a compliment, but I can't help bristling at the back-handedness of it. The implication -- that because I am bright, good-natured, tolerant, polite, I am somehow "un-American" -- is, as I'm sure you understand, an insult to my country more than it is a compliment to me. (I admit I bristle even more at the knowledge that there are bright, good-natured, tolerant, polite Americans who would take this as a compliment of the highest order.)

Generally, I affect a saddened look and try to laugh it off, saying something to the effect of: "Really? My grandmother must be rolling in her grave." But usually this only spurs them to explain that I should be flattered because Americans are generally so ugly.

When appropriate, I've enjoyed using this as a stepping stone to a discussion of perspective and personality types -- and generally I've gotten my point across -- but there isn't always room for that kind of discussion. I'm wondering what I could say at this point to defend my country and my honor without causing or betraying any consternation.

GENTLE READER: As you know, it takes more than an offhand comment to jar people out of their prejudices. Miss Manners not only commends you for undertaking those discussions, but thoroughly understands why you long for an abbreviated version.

The problem is that indication that you are not flattered by these comments will puzzle those who assume that you share their assumptions. So Miss Manners' assignment, as she understands it, is to produce something that will only vaguely trouble them, prompting them to think about it later rather than to argue with you at the time.

Try out these:

"Well, I'm working on it (seeming American)."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"But that's the beauty of America -- all of us 'look American.'"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What with the increasing lack of manners we are exposed to in America, I am in need of guidance as to when, if ever, one may correct or point out someone's rudeness.

I am especially irritated by those who plainly take advantage of those with good manners in order to get what they want, be it cutting ahead in line, blocking aisles, using cell phones, etc. Frequently those in authority will do nothing.

When is the line crossed between showing good manners and willingly being used as a doormat? I am frankly getting tired of deferring to rudeness.

GENTLE READER: Then don't practice it. One of the great sources of rudeness in this society is the bizarre notion that being treated rudely is a license to be rude oneself. Besides, it never solves anything. Retaliatory rudeness never inspires a response of "Whoops, I'm so sorry, please don't be mad." It inspires more retaliatory rudeness -- and so the cycle continues, until someone gets punched, sued or shot.

Frankly, Miss Manners is getting tired of that.

But deferring to annoying treatment is not the only alternative. The term you need is "Excuse me," as in "Excuse me, but the end of the line is over there," "Excuse me, may I please get through?" and "Excuse me, could you talk a little more quietly, please?" In many cases, that is all it takes. As for the hard cases, at least you will not have pushed them to new depths of rudeness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family enjoys playing board games, and my sisters, father and I are good sports and courteous losers. But my mother is not.

If she wins she gloats, brags and lectures us on the strategies that led us to failure (even if it is strictly a game of luck), and if she loses, she is sour for the remainder of the day.

The rest of us try to defend ourselves as best we can and let it go. We assume that everyone has their rough areas and better she gloats over a game than something more important.

Then one day my friend Alix and I went to play pool, and Mom had to come, too, since we didn't have IDs to play without an adult. Mom played Alix, who has played pool maybe twice in her life. Mom won and proceeded to do a victory dance and gloat in front of her and the rest of the pool hall.

Alix looked as if she would cry; not from losing but from wanting to slap Mom. (I have had this feeling quite often.) She felt guilty about that idea and sat out the next game.

I have told Mom in private before not to gloat and brag as this makes people uncomfortable, but she doesn't listen or can't help it. I was wondering if there was a polite yet firm comment I could make in front of my friends to stop her from ruining an otherwise fun game. Your advice would be appreciated throughout the family.

GENTLE READER: Is your mother training for professional sports?

To Miss Manners' dismay, that is where flagrant examples of bad sportsmanship, such as the repulsive victory dance, are set.

Not that this is any excuse for your mother. Even if she were misguided enough to think her rudeness funny, she compounds it by ignoring the entreaties of her family and the reaction of a young guest.

What you all must learn to say before a game is, "Oh, we're just going to play by ourselves." And if she insists upon joining, "That's OK, we'll play another time."

It is the only hope of her learning that no one likes a bad sport. Except, of course, crazed sports fans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Desperate male in his 40s finds equally desperate woman online. They meet, and after two dates decide to get married. He is eager to lose his virginity and she is about to lose her welfare benefits. They decide to get married at City Hall.

Invitations are sent for their reception. Printed on a home printer, the ink is smeared, making it hard to read. In it is a list of all the stores they registered at, including Web sites.

The reception was for two hours at the home of his parents. Neither has a job, and they were banking on a lot of gifts so they could return them to finance a honeymoon trip.

I did not attend, but I sent a congratulations card. I take marriage vows very seriously and didn't feel like being taken advantage of. Several co-workers felt the same way and chose not to attend or send a gift. Your opinion, please.

GENTLE READER: That you do not like these people. Miss Manners hopes it will not disappoint you to learn that there is nothing rude about declining the invitation and sending only your congratulations.

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