DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and several of our closest friends are immigrants to this country. Through them, I often meet other immigrants and we generally tend to get on quite well. As we are discovering that we enjoy each other's company, I am often told that I "don't seem like an American."

I know that they mean this as a compliment, but I can't help bristling at the back-handedness of it. The implication -- that because I am bright, good-natured, tolerant, polite, I am somehow "un-American" -- is, as I'm sure you understand, an insult to my country more than it is a compliment to me. (I admit I bristle even more at the knowledge that there are bright, good-natured, tolerant, polite Americans who would take this as a compliment of the highest order.)

Generally, I affect a saddened look and try to laugh it off, saying something to the effect of: "Really? My grandmother must be rolling in her grave." But usually this only spurs them to explain that I should be flattered because Americans are generally so ugly.

When appropriate, I've enjoyed using this as a stepping stone to a discussion of perspective and personality types -- and generally I've gotten my point across -- but there isn't always room for that kind of discussion. I'm wondering what I could say at this point to defend my country and my honor without causing or betraying any consternation.

GENTLE READER: As you know, it takes more than an offhand comment to jar people out of their prejudices. Miss Manners not only commends you for undertaking those discussions, but thoroughly understands why you long for an abbreviated version.

The problem is that indication that you are not flattered by these comments will puzzle those who assume that you share their assumptions. So Miss Manners' assignment, as she understands it, is to produce something that will only vaguely trouble them, prompting them to think about it later rather than to argue with you at the time.

Try out these:

"Well, I'm working on it (seeming American)."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"But that's the beauty of America -- all of us 'look American.'"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What with the increasing lack of manners we are exposed to in America, I am in need of guidance as to when, if ever, one may correct or point out someone's rudeness.

I am especially irritated by those who plainly take advantage of those with good manners in order to get what they want, be it cutting ahead in line, blocking aisles, using cell phones, etc. Frequently those in authority will do nothing.

When is the line crossed between showing good manners and willingly being used as a doormat? I am frankly getting tired of deferring to rudeness.

GENTLE READER: Then don't practice it. One of the great sources of rudeness in this society is the bizarre notion that being treated rudely is a license to be rude oneself. Besides, it never solves anything. Retaliatory rudeness never inspires a response of "Whoops, I'm so sorry, please don't be mad." It inspires more retaliatory rudeness -- and so the cycle continues, until someone gets punched, sued or shot.

Frankly, Miss Manners is getting tired of that.

But deferring to annoying treatment is not the only alternative. The term you need is "Excuse me," as in "Excuse me, but the end of the line is over there," "Excuse me, may I please get through?" and "Excuse me, could you talk a little more quietly, please?" In many cases, that is all it takes. As for the hard cases, at least you will not have pushed them to new depths of rudeness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family enjoys playing board games, and my sisters, father and I are good sports and courteous losers. But my mother is not.

If she wins she gloats, brags and lectures us on the strategies that led us to failure (even if it is strictly a game of luck), and if she loses, she is sour for the remainder of the day.

The rest of us try to defend ourselves as best we can and let it go. We assume that everyone has their rough areas and better she gloats over a game than something more important.

Then one day my friend Alix and I went to play pool, and Mom had to come, too, since we didn't have IDs to play without an adult. Mom played Alix, who has played pool maybe twice in her life. Mom won and proceeded to do a victory dance and gloat in front of her and the rest of the pool hall.

Alix looked as if she would cry; not from losing but from wanting to slap Mom. (I have had this feeling quite often.) She felt guilty about that idea and sat out the next game.

I have told Mom in private before not to gloat and brag as this makes people uncomfortable, but she doesn't listen or can't help it. I was wondering if there was a polite yet firm comment I could make in front of my friends to stop her from ruining an otherwise fun game. Your advice would be appreciated throughout the family.

GENTLE READER: Is your mother training for professional sports?

To Miss Manners' dismay, that is where flagrant examples of bad sportsmanship, such as the repulsive victory dance, are set.

Not that this is any excuse for your mother. Even if she were misguided enough to think her rudeness funny, she compounds it by ignoring the entreaties of her family and the reaction of a young guest.

What you all must learn to say before a game is, "Oh, we're just going to play by ourselves." And if she insists upon joining, "That's OK, we'll play another time."

It is the only hope of her learning that no one likes a bad sport. Except, of course, crazed sports fans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Desperate male in his 40s finds equally desperate woman online. They meet, and after two dates decide to get married. He is eager to lose his virginity and she is about to lose her welfare benefits. They decide to get married at City Hall.

Invitations are sent for their reception. Printed on a home printer, the ink is smeared, making it hard to read. In it is a list of all the stores they registered at, including Web sites.

The reception was for two hours at the home of his parents. Neither has a job, and they were banking on a lot of gifts so they could return them to finance a honeymoon trip.

I did not attend, but I sent a congratulations card. I take marriage vows very seriously and didn't feel like being taken advantage of. Several co-workers felt the same way and chose not to attend or send a gift. Your opinion, please.

GENTLE READER: That you do not like these people. Miss Manners hopes it will not disappoint you to learn that there is nothing rude about declining the invitation and sending only your congratulations.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I have noticed a lessened interest in the maintenance of consideration for people and their time and were wondering if you have as well. It seems to be a new trend when arranging social get-togethers.

I am not talking about the "Hey, if you don't have plans tonight let's go to the movies" kind of invitation. I am talking about arranging a special meal for friends or a work get-together. For example, a long-time friend of mine traveled here for a business trip, and I asked him for dinner with a few friends on that Wednesday. He told me that he was waiting on another friend to confirm a night before he could commit to my invitation. Do I wait patiently or do I rescind the offer?

Another example is a manager wants to arrange a night for the team to go have a drink at a local pub for the following week. Monday, the week of the "get-together" comes with no confirmation. Does the employee make plans or wait for the manager?

GENTLE READER: People do seem to be tossing their friends into social limbo with wild abandon these days. It is rude of them. But Miss Manners assures you that it is not rude to refuse to stay there.

In the case of a guest who hedges, you might want to grant a small amount of leeway, saying, "Please let me know by..." a few days later. But you can also withdraw the invitation by saying, "I'm so sorry -- I'll try to catch you another time."

If it is the host who is actually wavering -- if he has failed to name date, time and place -- you can make other plans. But if the necessary information was given and you still feel you need confirmation, you can ask, "Are we still on for drinks this week?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a big city where the politics of dining out can be complicated. The delicate dance of earning a tip and leaving a tip has changed to a figurative wrestling match.

Instead of the waiter taking your money and bringing your change, they often ask if you'd like change. When they grudgingly bring the change instead of pocketing it, it's usually in denominations that don't allow a fitting tip. For example, you give them a $20 bill for a $14.50 (a tip of $3 +/-), and they bring a $5 bill and two quarters. Where are the $1 bills?!

I left the server the 50 cents and not-so-nice note, and feel crummy about not dealing with this more directly.

Lately, even if the service during the meal was excellent, and I'd be tempted to leave all the change, the bill-wrangling spoils my generous mood. This is no way to end a fine meal!

Has Miss Manners come up with a sufficiently effective way to head this wrangling off at the pass?

GENTLE READER: Credit cards? Carrying small bills?

Easier still would be to hand back the five-dollar bill, asking pleasantly, "May I have singles for this, please?"

Miss Manners deplores maneuvers intended to embarrass people into increasing their tips. But she sees no reason for the targets to cooperate by becoming embarrassed.

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