DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have eight male law partners. At least once a week some or all of us go out for lunch or a drink after work. We have at least two scheduled partner retreats a year during which we go out of town to meet and work on business plans. This has never been a problem in the past even though I am not married and seven of the eight others are.

Now we have welcomed a new partner into our group, and his wife, without coming right out and saying so, has made it very clear that she resents my presence at the otherwise "all male" outings. Should I try to smooth over this situation or leave it to the husband and wife to sort it out on their own?

GENTLE READER: That the wife is insulting your new partner by insinuating that he cannot be trusted not to go after you is not your business. That she is insulting you by insinuating that you might go after him is.

Miss Manners suggests smoking this out by remarking regretfully to him that his wife does not seem to like you, and that you hope you did not inadvertently offend her. If he is as smart as you must have thought when taking him in as a partner, he will deny this and go home and tell her to behave herself. Should he be so foolish as to admit her jealousy, he needs an orientation talk about the cordial professionalism that is expected of everyone at the firm and, by extension, anyone a partner may bring to a firm event. You may want to ask one of the most senior partners to deliver this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never expected bereaved persons to reply to sympathy or condolence cards, thinking that this would be an unnecessary social burden at a sad time. Now, however, having recently become bereaved myself, and the recipient of many cards and flowers, I find myself wanting to thank all these nice people. I'm sure it's never wrong to say thank you, but what is the general expectation?

GENTLE READER: That you write letters thanking each person who has taken the trouble to write to you. Printed cards with only a signature are not in that category, but, as you surmise, it is not wrong to give thanks even for that perfunctory gesture.

Miss Manners commends you for arriving at this conclusion anyway, and letting it override what you describe as the burden of acknowledging condolences. She considers that a dangerous excuse. Ignoring your well wishers leads to loneliness later -- not because they are annoyed, but because they are left with the feeling that you want to be left alone. Besides, it is a duty one owes to the deceased to acknowledge those who cared about him and to offer them the comfort of confirming that their feelings were reciprocated and to recognize that they, too, feel a loss.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was divorced three years ago, and my children's mother asked that I take photos of my son before he went to the homecoming dance. I took the pictures, as requested, and e-mailed them to her.

Some of the photos that I e-mailed included both my son and my new stepdaughter. About a day later, I got back a response that said, "Very nice picture of Emmet. I did ask for pictures of Emmet, not Emmet and Angela. Try to redirect your passive-aggressive guilt-ridden behaviors somewhere else."

I would prefer to avoid receiving insults thinly disguised as psychological diagnoses. Is there any response that you can suggest? I don't want to return rudeness with rudeness, as I must maintain contact with my son's mother for at least another three years.

GENTLE READER: How about, "Oops, sorry, the pictures were all together, and I only meant to send you the ones of Emmet"?

Miss Manners hopes you do not consider this too tame. Whatever else may have occurred to you is bound to be rude or pseudo-analytic. Even an apology can be taken for sarcasm by someone determined to be insulted, but true passive-aggressive politeness is hard to counter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the years go by, I find myself an older woman in an interesting, varied workplace that consists mostly of men, many of them quite young. Sometimes someone will utter a four-letter word and then apologize to me. He's trying to be polite.

I'm not shocked or offended (not after being married to my husband for 16 years). I just want to be polite too, but I have trouble finding the right thing to say. "That's all right" doesn't seem to fit. At present I give a slight smile and a nod of the head, and feel awkward. Maybe I'd do better to act as if someone had burped and said, "Excuse me" (burp is a four-letter word, after all), and pretend that no such sound ever entered my shell-like ear. Can you help me find a good formula for response?

Oh, yes, another question -- when I lose my cool and utter a four-letter word or two myself, should I offer a similar apology to the men around me?

GENTLE READER: Oh, yes, and Miss Manners has a question for you: Why are you contributing to the dirty-word index?

You may argue that you are not contributing much, only an occasional slip. What disturbs her more is that by brushing it off, you are helping to normalize cursing.

She is not asking you to make a scene, nor to police your colleagues; both would be rude. She is not even asking you to make the point that swearing is worse in front of ladies. Gender distinctions do not belong in the office, but neither does swearing.

She is merely asking you to acknowledge the transgression by saying "Thank you" for the apology.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was involved in an event that was a little funny and at the same time a little aggravating. It was like the joke where the guy goes into the dressing room and thinks the person in the next booth is talking to him, only to find that that person is talking on a cell phone.

While I was in a restroom stall of a very busy office building, a man went into the stall next to mine and started a conversation. At first I was close to answering him, but fortunately I quickly realized that he was talking on his cell. Then I realized that I was about to make noises that should only be heard in a privy. Now I'm starting to feel embarrassed and a little angry at the thought of being broadcasted to who knows where.

I was at a loss. I didn't go to the restroom to listen to others conducting business on the phone. I've always been a little shy in public restrooms, and the idea of his call going to a meeting where the other party may be listening on a speakerphone did nothing for my confidence. So I just sat there hoping he would leave so I could finish in private.

Is it wrong for me to flush and make other noises that may disrupt his call?

GENTLE READER: Why do you feel that you would be the one to bear the embarrassment? Has it not occurred to you who the caller's listeners will imagine created those noises?

Miss Manners assures you that etiquette is contextual. What you did was not improper in a restroom; what the other person did was.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A baby shower invitation (for the guest of honor's second baby) that I received is trendy and rhymes, listing all the details necessary in an invitation. But included was a slip of paper (I thought it might be directions) that states, "This is not a shower, so no gifts please. However, there are contributions being taken for the "clean the stalls and feed the horses fund. We don't want ___ traipsing up and down the hill (to the barn) after giving birth."

I am puzzled how a baby shower can be turned into a feed the horses fund. I would think that she will be needing diapers and supplies!

Please advise! Should I even go? Should I bring a gift? Should I pretend that I didn't get that slip of paper with these instructions? I want to do the right thing, but am shocked at this kind of request.

GENTLE READER: The right thing for whom? For hungry horses? For someone who looks at those kind enough to honor her and sees disposable income?

Miss Manners is afraid that the hosts were correct in saying that this is not a baby shower. It is not intended to welcome the baby but to augment the income of the mother. You should treat it as you do other fund-raising events, which is to say, go only if you believe in the cause and are willing to support it.

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